New places again...

So I have started apartment hunting again..
I started last week when I told her I was moving out.
I told her I think it is for he best that I move out and maybe that
will help her out in some way..
This time though we are doing it for the right reasons..
She does not have her shit straight yet..
She does not know what she wants..
She wants to go out and be with her friends leaving me at home..
I am the person she comes home to..
That is what I feel like.
I told her I want to go out with her and spend time with her like she does with her friends..
She makes time for them but not me..

Early mornings....

Well back in my hometown of Nashville for the week..
Not good times like I was hoping..
All I have been doing is working my ass off..
Literally..
14, 15 hours lots of things to be done..
My family is who I am staying with and even then I have not really seen them or talked to them..
I come home eat a little something and go right to sleep.. I am soo tired all I can do is get to a bed at the end of the day..

I got a call from my doctor's assistant yesterday..
They are going to do some more test in the week I return from here to try and figure something more out..
I am a little worried now..

I wish that they could fix me.. find out what is wrong and fix it so that I can go on with my life..
It justs seems easy to do ya know?
But I guess it si not as easy as it sounds..

We got a my boss bback in ATL..
Since the last one was canned for sexual harrassment..
They finally put a replacement in there..

Not a moment to soon..
Too badI was not there to meet the gentleman..
Oh well.. I guess we will find out what he is like soon enough..
Well time to go to work and get something done..
Just thought I would pop in and write me a little something to remember that I was here in Nashville by.. I am sure the paycheck will remind me as well..

Ta-ta

where to begin.. lets see it has been a while since a good post soo lets rollwith it tonight.. I have alot to cover... It is soo hard fo me to comprehend ignorance sometimes.. I just do not understand.. I mean some people have the smarts and the common knoweldge and some people do not.. All my lifeI have had the same problem.. People judging MY own sexuality.. OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE thinking THEY know me.. I have choosen my friends very wisely throughout my life.. and you know it if you are a friend.. if you have any doubt then your not consider a true friend to me.. your really nothing then.. Hurts to say it but hell you would know it or not.. I choose my friends cause I do not want everyone to KNOW who I am and what Ir eally stand for.. I have VERY strong convictions.. I stand by my morals.. I STAND by my goals.. and people that get in my way I fucking run them over.. Sometimes it is soo hard to block out something that people tell you over and over.. over and over.. My whole life even from my own mother I have been sccused of being homosexual.. WHAT THE FUCK!! I mean christ come on... You stupid fucking ignorant people GROW UP.. just because I GIVE A FUCK on how I look.. I care about how I present myself.. people automatcially assume that I am queer.. because I know how to dress and match blue with blue.. people assume.. And mainly it is because of this back country redneck, goat fucking town I live in.. These people are the definition of ignorant... at least some of them... I have met some people,.... usually not from here that are of some intelligence.. but for the most part these people have no intellectual smarts.. they make snap judgements based upon pre-conceived notions of what a homosexual is.. they think they know exactly what they are what they look like and how they act.. of course we as human all do this.. we have these notions in our head.. built into our head since we were little children.. Movies... television.. books.. they all help in these notions.. We are taught what love is supposed to be before we even know what love is.. Most 7 year olds or younger have some perception what sex is and how it is done.. all from these ideas that are put into our head from other people... You know I had these ideas of what it means to love someone.. how to treat them and what your supposed to do for them.. I never had a father.. no Father figure no stepfather nothing... I taught myself.. you know from where.. you guessed it.. Shit I knew about sex at the ripe old age of five.. I had to twin sisters that lived next door to me.. identical.. and we used to light a fire in the drainage ditch beside my house so we could kiss.. cause I had always seen people kissing by a fire.. Twins.. at the ripe old age of five.. fighting over me.. I used to play with them and they would fight on which person I would pretend to marry.... who's husband I was depended on who gave me the best candy.. at least I was smart.. So that was that.. I got kissed and had my first twin experince when I was pretty young.. They moved shortly after the second grade I think.. I remember helping them move.. but that set in the notions in my young head of what stuff picture perfect would be like.. Until I learned what life really was like.. That was until laterin life when I had a first love and realized that there was soo much pain that went along with it.. The first person I loved.. this is a heartbreaking story.. I liked this girl for the longest time.. ate lunch with her daily and listen to her talk about her boyfriend,.... she complained and complained and complained.. after about six weeks of sitting with her at lunch and listening to this I decided to just to ask her out.. to dinner.. she had finally got rid of the dumbass.. She siad yes.. but.. I had to come eat dinner with the family before I could take her out.. ok.. no prob.. went to the house and yadda yadda yadda.. 3 months later we are sitting in the lunchroom like usual.. and I go to leave.. I give her a hug and turn away and she grabs my hand.. I looked her right in the eyes and she said " love you Christopher," I turned my head and walked away.. I crumpled inside,.. this is also just after she told nme she was moving across the country.. I knew I had these strong feelings inside for her but I had no idea.. I had no idea until I walked away and sat down in my class.. it took my 1 year to tell her I loved her after that.... she never sauid it again until I said it to her on surprise... We where then together for 4 years off and on.. I treated her like gold.. I gacve her enything she wanted.. or needed.. money for a speeding ticket.. I flew across country for the weekend.. my birthday to surprise her.. I went to the ends of the earth.. You know why.. Trying to make it up.. only to realize.. when she told me.. "could never love you as much as you love me.." The favor was returned.. I knew at that exact moment what it probaly felt like when I walked away without a response.. someone handing you their heart and you slapping it onto the floor.. Soo that is when I walso realized of what true pain was.. Pain physically I can handle.. I have been able to live in pain almost my whole life.. but this type of pain was unbearable.. Two years later... This beautiful little girl dances into my life.. for the first time ina long time a smile graced my face.. not a false smile but something geniune.. something true.. I would have never have guessed how hard I would fall and how quickly.. It is scary... Coming to terms with something you would think that would never happen again,... by no means is this a formal complaint.. it is however jubilation.. excitment.. I saw an expression of pain on her face.. I hurt then.. I realized that then I would do anything for this girl.. someone I still barely know,.. someone I learn something new about her every day.. whether a tidbit of history or something about her personality.. So this person that bring sme soo mucgh happines and means alot to me.. Who would want to ruin something like this.. Something that means soo much too me and ignorant people have no clue because they do not take the time to find out, they just act... Rumors.. Of course, they tell my friend.. who is going to say something to me.. tell them a lie.. something that they know I would probaly get upset about.. that erson inturn wants to tell me but because they are my friend they know that this person means soo much to me soo it hurst them to tell me cause they know I will be hurt.. hmmm a long chain of pain here.. all stemming from someone who feels no pain from doing this... Me being the paranoid person I am.. I believe it for a moment.. Then I step back.. I ask myself how reliable the source is,.. I ask myself how much do I trust this person?.. This person that I love and have come to cae for sooooo much in the past few weeks.. It boils down to their word.. just from her mouth to my ear.. no one else getting the information.. cause if someone can lie to your face while your holding them ion your arms and your semi clothed.. hmm then they might have a problem or are just to asheamed .. ya feel me.. that is when you are most vulnerable I think.. in the bed.. with someone of course.. CAUSE IF you DO ANYTHING They will know it.. espcially if you FART :) hahaha not that it has happened just an example... soo After thinking and realizing what this person has said.. this not being the first time. I asked the source since it was siad that the sourcer said it.. denial.. untrue.. which I had felt.. the circumstances did not match.. with what was said.. NOT ONLY DID SHE NOT REALLY SAID WHAT WAS SAiD... (Are you keeping up with the conver?, do not worry I would be lost to...) But the soo called person that started the whole thing said something about me!!! soo this person trying to make me look bad.. whic I really do not care as long as the people who I care for and I keep close know what is untrue and what is true.. But by now I am pissed.. soo.. whole stupid thing.. People said this and she said this.. FUCK ALL OF YOU.. MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!!! What is done and said between us is OURS NOT YOURS GOD DAMNIT!@!@!!@#`234 That does nothing but piss me off. This is something that I am soo happy about and this person is trying to fuck things up.. not only that person but other people now talk to me about it.. asking me waht I am doing.. I know when you are working with people people will talk.. that is ok.. but this is worse than talk.. this is FUCKING WITH PEOPLES LIVES!@! Emotions, feelings... TRUST most of all.. something that can in my opinion be lost ina second.. ina blink of an eye an take forever to get back.. Well they are fucking with the wrong person.. Hmmm on to today.. I have dwelled and cursed to much..Today alll I wanted to do was cry at the first job.. I wanted to walk out I was soo offended by what was happening.. I do not need that job.. I do not need those people.. but I am thankful for that job.. I was able to meet two specail people in my life.. people that mean the world to me.. That is about the only good that has come from that job,... nothing more.. soo anyways.. I am at work typing this.. do not want to go home for some reason.. but I guess that I must.. I have to sleep sometime tonight.. Work here sucked.. work this morning sucked also.. At least I have tomorrow to be the best that I can be.. today is already in the books... nothing I can do to change it.. I have to let it go forget but not forgive people.. let them Feel the wrath of me for it is about to be unleashed.. Just for trying to FUCK WITH MY HAPPINESS WELL I AM ABOUT TO FUCK WITH YOU!Christopher AKA person who sleeps with girls to marry them.. after getting them pregnant.@ @+

Life complications

Soo.. As it happens I am supposed to be going to Nashville this week..
My body will not let me..
I have been sick for a while now, but things got ALOT worse last night..
So much so I think something in my body has ruptured..
I called my doctor and asked if I needed to take myself to the hospital but he thought it would be better to just move my scheduled appointment up for this week instead of next..

I am scared..
I do not know what to think and or do..
I hope it is nothing of major importance..
But I hope they find something and fix it..
I want to be better..

Weeks later..

Soo what has been going on?
Really nothing..
Nothing but work and desperately trying to get myself in some shape of good health..
I am tired all the time..
I eat then go to sleep within a short period of time after that..
No joke..

I will be sitting at my desk doing just fine and then all the sudden my head will be plopped to the side with my mouth hanging wide open..
Not to mention that for the past 4 days my blood sugar has rarely dropped below a staggering 300..
For some reason my body is slowing rotting away..
I am in a constant pissy and irritable mood..
Sorry for the people around me..
I feel like I am in a dream state..
I cannot focus on anything..
The living situation is going to change again..
She is not happy..
She wants to be there with me but I am requiring her to pay some rent and though she cannot pay it..
She is looking now for a house and four roomates..
Soo Whatever..
I am tired of trying and it seems like I am putting fourth a ton of effort...
I understand I have been there and done alot.. I just do not want her making the same mistakes as I..
But if you try to tell someone something and they do not listen why keep wasting your breathe..
I have taken a new look on things as of late in my dream states that I find myself in..
Whatever happens and is choosen happens ans is not choosen by me..
I am not making or trying to push her to do anything..
On the other hand I am not going to freely give away anything...
She wants to live apart with her roomates that she is going to find..
I am ok with that..
I will not be around when it is conveinient only for her..
I will not sit by and wait for my phone to ring..
I do not think that th relationship will go longer than a few weeks like that..

It is not that I am throwing in the towel..
I am just feeling like I am forcing a square peg into the round hole..
I cannot offer or give anymore..
My back has to be turned..
So like I said whatever happens will happen..
I am not going to let myself get stressed out about it..
I am not going to worry about it..

I will be lonely yes..
I will be depressed yes..
But at least I will not have to try and try to show someone what is happening only to be brushed off..
At least I will not be put into someone's schedule..
Hoping I can fit in..
I do not know what to do in life now..
I feel soo lonely without her around..
Maybe it is not her but just the role I am trying to fill..
Maybe she is just the face that I am putting with the position I am looking for..

Who knows at the point..
I think she is my comfort..
My love..
But we are diffrent in ways..
She will not be in the same room as my mother..
She is afraid of what she thinks of her..
So I am giving in.. She is to afraid to admit her past then what about her future..
I cannot change someone..
I cannot help someone..
I can only help myself..

Humm

I think it is time for bed.. my body is tired but as soon as I hit the bed I know that I will not be able to sleep.. I am going to curl up witha good book and a cat that starves for attention when I am here and hopefully let nature take its course.. sometimtes though nature taking its course does not work.. Well.. if 2 rolls around and I am still up I can count on winding the whole day down on here.. letting my little figures give me great therapy... for some reason though I do not think that I will last that long.. soo I will say night all now and maybe later..

Out of the schedule..

I am WAY out of the norm of coming in and sitting at my desk and pouring my heart out...
What has happened to me?
I have fallen.
Oh well onward..

MY mother has fucked up my life..
Taken her word and turned it around..

My life has come back to normal somewhat of having something in my life to care about..

I spent all weekend traveling back and fourth between south atlanta and my house and work watching Extreme Homemakeover Live as it was being done..

Got some really great pictures of the cast.. With me and all..
Spent ALL night in 20 degree weather with a windchill of about -2 sitting outside this house.. with the wind constantly blowing and howling all around me..

She spent it with me.. Shoot she better had.. :) I mean I did not come to Atlanta on a whim because of the show..

I got to go into the house BRIEFLY, carried some supplies in..
Thanks only to the "producer"... on the street that had it on "lock down"..

He told me to hop the fence and come on over.. I did it quickly..

My life seems to be going great emotionally but now financially I am a wreck..
When will it all get to gether?
Maybe I should calla roundtable meeting of the aspects of my life..
That would be interesting...

Well.. I promise to come in and write tonight I must and have to!
But let me just tell you the cold is still in my hands from staying outside all Sat night... I found myself shivering in the warm bed last night as well..

Humm diddly..

Ok..
Now a time for relfection..
I know I have not done my daily duties with blogging here..
Not like I have people that actually read this..
But for me it is something that I feel I like to do..
Vent my feelings and my thoughts so that they are not lost forever in my vast expanse of a head
Humm where did I leave off?
Ohh yeah..
She moved back in..
Came from TN and moved right directly back into my house and life..
Full force..
Redecorated my whole apartment, and cleaned the likes of it..
Not that I am complaining at all..
I am greatful for the fact that she did all that..

It feels soo good to have someone to come home to..
Not just come home to but for you to know that there is going to be someone there..
Your not going to be alone..
There is going to be someone there you can hold and hug on to..
Share your touch and feeling with..
hum..
It is a warming feeling..
There is life back into my dull apartment..
There is a little shithead dog..
Dubbed the shitter from when he actually shit on me because I scared him soo..
The cat..
Me and her..
A typical family unit here in the US..
Parents and 2.3 kids..
Our kids are the animals..

I have been wating everyday for her arrvial..
I cannot sleep..
I just cannot wait to see her..
I dunno why.. I look forward to the keys jinglegling in the door..
It is the feeling of acceptance.
I know she does not express her emotions well..
Most especialally her sexual and her inner thoughts..
Those are saved for her friends that pose no threat to her..
I am still not that lucky..
But maybe just maybe one day I will get to go there..

All I can do is wait..
I am hungry I am going to go get food..

untitled

Where to begin...
who knows..






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fuck liars and people that are fake assholes and try to look as good as they want to make themselves





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I have come to the conclusion that I am a pathetic person.. I have no life and nothing to live for anymore







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Where to begin?

There is to much to even start to try to comprehend what has happened in the past few days..
It is soooooo overwhelming that I need to tak a few days to comprehend what has happened and try to explain or even pinch myself to wakeup from something I think is a dream..

OIL CHECK!

Humm..
Well today I ahve my first of many appointments with a new group of doctors...
Metro Atlanta Gastroenterology..
I hope they take the time to find out what the fuck is wrong with the lower part of my body..
That in turn should make the whole rest of my body fall into place..
Me being "diabetic" and all..
My sugars are still all over the place.
There is not real constant level..
When I wake up it is out of the normal parameters still..

Who the hell knows what is wrong with me..
I just need to make sure that the stress in my life stays to a minimal..
I cannot get myself stressed out because that is what made this flare up before..
I am still on meds that make me sleepy..
I have to take one pill every four freaking hours..
SO every four hours I get really sleepy and just wanna hide under my desk and sleep..
I have done it..
It is not like I have a choice though.
I am just so tired..
I am getting used to Diet Coke..
ALthough I do not drink cola that much anyways..
I still need a little caffeine during the nights once a week or soo..
I will for sure need it today because of the doctors appointment..

The one thing I am scared about being in the state am in..
No more eating a whole loaf of fresh baked bread..
Man I love my carbs..
If I have to lower my carb intake I might just flip out..
Well I have already started watching my carb intake but not as much as a should..
I still have my bagels.. my toast..

I am not big on sweets anyways..
When I need to eat sweets I know it.. and I do..

Work has the "MEETING" today..
The one where we are told where our future stands with the company..
I have to make sure though that I am outta here no later than 10am..
I do not want to be late at all for my appointment..
It is a new patient consultation..
I am sure there will be probes involved..EWWWWWWW

Life is soo strange..

I give in..

The weirdest feeling just came over me as I walked into my bathroom for the morning ritual..
How many places have I lived?
Not just styaed at but actually unpacked settled in and lived?
Home is where the heart is and i guess with the recent events in my life I am still searching for my home and my heart..
It is amazing what such a short time has done to me in my life..
Just thinking about it two months ago I was thinking my whole life was on the right track..
I was on my way to my happiness...
I was on my way to getting what I crave and yearn for..
Now look at my life..
It has done a complete 180 turn around..
I am alone.. something I actually despise..
I have nothing here along with no one to truely offer my the comfort and compassion I need..
My job just took a turn for the worse.. in my opinion..
My life has tunred into a pathetic waste of space and humanity..
My health is up in the air..
Do not even really want to go there..
I AM OUT OF FUCKING TOILET PAPER AND I DO NOT EVEN GIVE A FUCK... Kleenex does just fine on my ass..
I have slowly pulled away from even trying to be motivated..
I just do as I need to..
Oh it is as bad as I have been out of T.P. for about four days now...
I am looking at my life and am realizing that I am getting older and I am doing nothing about it..
Just being a selfish person..

I guess there are going to be more bumps in my road of life..
I am just ready for the cruise control the stability of something of substance..
Well when that time comes who knows what will happen..
I have soo much on my plate but not as much as I used to..
I would rather just be soo consumed than nothing at all..
I have to get my ass up and go to work..
FUCKITALL





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Let's shake things up..

My whole working world has just crumbled..
My boss and ofrmer supervisor was just terminated..
I am soo worried and at a loss..
I do not know what my future hold here or with this company at this point in time..
I am soo very frightened now..
What I am going to do..
My pay changing and what not..
My hours changing and what not..
I am soo worried..

Should I freak out?
Should I start looking for jobs elsewhere?
I have never had this happen to me where it is going to directly effect me and my well being..
I am sick and now I have to worry and think about this..
I am the lowest on the totem pole here and now I might be even lower..
ALthough I will say I do not think I will get laid off...
Maybe just not have as many hours as before..
Which means it si hitting me in my pocket book..

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I might just pack up and move..
I might not have a choice..
I hired on here under the premiss of a certain salary..
Under that salary I was getting overtimes made the salary..
Because in reality I am an hourly employee..
I was the first person to be hired on as a router in the company as an hourly employee..

Maybe I am just freaking out about this?
Maybe I have nothing to really worry about...
Who knows..
I will just keep coming and going like normal and not worry about things..
But on the flip side I am going to start looking for a fall back job..
Here and elsewhere..
I do not have anything here but this job..
What is going to happen to me if I loose this job?
I mean I feel that I do no tpull my weight around here just because I am still a youngster here..
Well just when you think you dodge one curveball life is deciding to throw you another one..
I have already started revising my resume on monster..
I can do it I can find another place..
I can find another home..
I have never been like this but this could be my chance to go out and do..
I have nothing really now...
No life to go home to..
The job I am doing is problay going to change so I will not have a job to go to..
So why not leave all together?
I would not be missed..
It would be just like I was never here..

A spot easily erased in someone's head..
That is what I feel now..
Geeze.
I hope for the best now..
Well..
Have a wonderful day..
Just know that yours is probaly better than mine...

Mystery solved...sort of..

Well the doc gave me some interesting information a little bit confusing but nonetheless informative..
I have diabetes..
Curently my body is in a "diabetic state,"so they are going to run more tests today to get things going.. I feel like crap I could not make my body get up and move this morning. Usually I look forward to coming into work and sitting at my desk but I just have no more motivation in my life to do anything really or even care about anything. I just give up on a lot of shit. Like you name it I just do not give a fuck anymore..

I need to clean my truck..
Will I?
No
I need to do alot of shit here at work..
Will I..
When I get around to it..
But I am not busting my balls to do anything anymore..
It really does not pay off to do that..
I will just take my time and do things when I want to do them..
Personal and professional..

I hate doctors now but the one I found I think I can have a little confidence in..
I am going to go..
I am hurting all over and the meds they have me on gives me "narcolepcy".. I just fall asleep at random times..
Later..

Crap..

Man I feel shitty this morning...
My new little toy that pricks my finger when I want it to tells me my sugar in my blood is WAY high.. hovering around a constant 260-280 the entire morning..
Could this be all the trouble causing my stomach to yell at me?
Could this be from all the stress lately?
Ah who knows..
I have a doctors appointment today around 11 am..
I am hopeful..
What else do I have?

So life is going on..
I am getting alot of sleep..
I am back to watching the constant barrage of movies..
I rented TROY yesterday and White Castle..
I am having a hard time concentrating and thinking right now..

Focusing on one thing is really a task..
I have lacked bloggin from my mobile lately..
It is kind of hard to do when you are driving..

I am really lonely..
Motivation is still lacking..
Maybe I should adopt a kid for the weekends or something..
Become a big brother in one of those programs..
Find something better to do with my time rather than lay around the house and what not...

Could I be an impact on someone's life?

I hope not..

I am ready to fall off the face of the earth now..
Win the lottery buy a boat and just leave...
Make my own adventures..
Not live by any guidelines..
Any stipulations...
Just be...

So there is no news on anything else in my life..
I wish there was..
I wish I could tell stories for days...
But well...
Great things always come to an end I guess...

Humm..

Why is it that some people can tell someone some stuff...
But they cannot tell them?
They go the round about way like they are scared or something?
Just say it already..
I mean geeze I wold rather hear it come out of their mouth instead of hearing it from someone else..
It just does not have enough merit or mean the same if they do not say it..

Almost a weekly recap..

So where to begin..
Let's see..
I almost spent New Years in the hospital..
I was discharged at 3pm and told that I am a mental case..
Basically they have no idea why I go up and down so much with my blood sugar.
Three different doctors three VERY differing points..
My nursing staff though was awesome..
Cudos to them..

My new Years?
I could not have asked for a better one really..
I got a nice surprise... I thought my new years was going to be a bust..
Sitting in my hospital bed my mother might have been there might not have been..
Who knew..
But to my utmost astonishment someone showed up..
Unexpected and very nice for them to do that...
I had been discharged from the hospital and when they got there I was not there of course..
But they..
1. Remembered which hospital...
2. Was thoughtful enough to try and surprise me..
3. Made me feel really good..

When they called and asked if where I was at I was a little astonished..
I had no idea that they did that.
Taking it upon themselves to just show a softer side that I knew they had...
To me that is a really good sign..
Something that shows..

So I was going to go and meet up with Matt and a group of his friends, but since it was so thoughtful and nice of her to come down from Nashville because she did not want me to be alone..
I thought that I should spend New Years where my heart is..
With her...
I was not too excited about doing much of anyhting but when I knew she was here I really did get excited..
I really do have someone..
She is there..
Just getting things she needs to get done before me..
It is all good..
Whatever happens will happen true..
But most of the time you make those things happen..
You make the choices and live the life you want to live..
Your are the captain of your own boat..

So the rest of the weekend was spent either entertaining my mother..
Working..
Or getting the old apartment ready for the walk-through..
I went shopping AGAIN.. but this time I had a specific thing I was going after..
Alcoholic glasses.
EX: Shot glasses, Pilsners, Rocks glasses, Tumbles, Flutes, and goblets..
I basically bought every type of alcoholic glass they make.. I
I made my own set..
Why though when I am not reall a drinker?
Why Not have those things readily availiable for anyone who wants to use them...

MY mother is driving me insane..
She needs to go and go soon..
No wonder I am stressed out.
She is a good maid though..
My place is immaculate..
Bleached to the gills..
She is a cleaner allright..

She is hounding me about everything though..
I let her sleep on the new errrr new to me again bed that has graced my apartment making it complete...
Furniture complete that is..
There is still something.. err
Maybe someone missing..
Who knows..

I am going to try that new fangled thing out called a bed today and try to get some sleep on it.. I have not truel ever slept in that bed alone..
I feel that I will not be able to and just migrate back to the couch...
I will at least give it a good shot..

I worked at the second job this whole weekend..
What a blast let me tell you..
I really hope to quit this job soon enough..
I am scared to now because of the medical bills that will be coming in..
All because my blood sugar is controlled by my mind..
HUMMMMM BLOOD SUGAR RAISE HUMMMMMMM
wow it worked.. it went up to a whole 207..
J/K...

I went and looked up some more doctors with names that this time I could pronounce..
Last time I only could say about one or two of the names on my list of doctors that I had assembled..
Now that the holidays are over and I a still putting away christmas ornamets and what not..
Life will slow down a little bit..

I think that she has made the right choice..
I mean she is getting a clearer picture of everything..
There was a reason that I said no and would not let her come back so quickly..
Call me evil or what not..
But if she came back tomorrow then what would we as a couple have learned?
I think that she is getting more confidence in herself and looking at things in a little brighter light..
Everything is only as darkl and gloomy as you make it..
I honestly believe that you will come back on your own time..
I would like you to come back and stay a few.. Of course I will have to share the burden and try to work through this as muh as you..
That means no working weekends..
Means me driving to see each other..
If that is what WE want that is.

Who knows..
It is a new year and she might find something without even looking..
Ya know?

All I know is that I am tired of feeling like and these fucking foreign doctors better find someonthing wrong with me or go back to INDIA..
Oh wait...
There is a reason there are here in our country..
They do not make any money back in INDIA so they some here to get their five year tax break of making 250g a year and then buy all the gas stations and have their wives run them while the average american pays their tax dollars for the programs that brought the imigrants here..
SO WHAT THE FUCK?
I want my five year tax break!! Screw immigrating to this country..

Another thing that I am afraid will set in..
Depression..
I am scared that things are going to hit me harder in a few days..
Why?
She has been gone out of state for 2 weeks or so..
Because the holidays are over..
The business and bustle of the season that keeps your mind occupied is gone..

My mind might go idle..
But I think there is enough work around my apartment for everything to keep my busy...
Organize my underwear drawer and what not..

All the christmas decor is down..
Mother took care of that for me..
Now I just have to find a little box of some sort to hold all the christmas gear..

One more thing..
Talk to me..
Anyone.. I mean I am not a mind reader..
Just let me know about things..
Tell me how you fell..
Write me something..
Email me something..
Comment me something..
SING me something..
But for GOD'S SAKE just let me know....
SOMETHING..
ahhhhhhhhhhh..
Ok.. I must start back to work now.. I will update later and keep the masses posted on the sleeping arrangement that I have to come up with..
Me and the big empty bed.. I think me and the red couch of love is going to have a better relationship..
"I am haveing an affair with Couch.." Christopher told Bed trying to let them down softly..
"I am not soft and supple enough for you?" Bed poutingly questioned...
"Couch just loves me more and has less empty space than you,"Christopher said staring intently at the gigantic open Bed.
"I see how it is... Go to Couch... I hope they cradle you as much as I have cradled you.." Bed mumbled while crying..

HAHAH
OMG..
I just made up dialouge between my couch my bed and me..
Damn if the furniture could talk..
Shit I would be in trouble then..

Well I will stop in a little later and finish this off.. I am sure I am missing something here or there...

So i am stil sitting my happy ass in the hospital...
Doing really nothing but seeing the death and destruction of the tidal wave...
Doctors really arguing over what is wrong with my health and trying to figure out what is happening to my body..
It is literally tearing my body apart though..
The constant rollercoaster ride of my blood sugar..
It is bewildering the doctors.. along with me...
I have had some nice nurses though..
Treatment is good but the first day they where starving me and now they are bringing me all kinds of food at my requests..
I missed work and the holiday pay..
Which sucks I think i will call my insurance agent to take advantage of my life insurance loss of income part...
This I have been told is something the will be chronic..
Whether diabetes or not...
I just want to go home and be by myself...





These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com

Well New Years could be spent in the hospital..
Not feeling good nor looking good..
Have the constant headache and also blood sugar just going crazy...





These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com

well here i sit in my hospital bed...
now for the second day..
my blood sugar has been swinging like a playground swingset..
High Low.. Normal High..
stomach has been hurting enough to make me double over and writhe in pain.. I am alone here now..
My grandmother came down along with my mother..
They stayed the night and as long as they could today..
I talked on my phone to work getting some things done but yet not enough...
Having three doctors seems to be more of a burden rather than blessing, because they are conflicting in their assumptions.
One moment i have early onset diabetes and then the next They have no idea...
So here i sit..
Alone and bored..
No one to talk to and nothing to do but watch disaster..
Ohh well I will just sit here a little longer.
Not like I have a choice...
Mobile land out





These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com

FW:

-----Original Message-----
From: cobergas@hotmail.com
Date: 12/29/04 05:48 PM
To: blog me baby

So here we go on a journey that I can only laugh at.
I begin the day at work and leave around the normal time..
I am on my way home and I have the bright idea that i could stop by the doctor if they had an opening...
Of course I picked the best time of the year to go to the doc cause there was not a single soul there.
I explain what has been going on and they decide to take my glucose blood sugar level.
Revisiting Thanksgiving where it had been elevated.
I thought I was reading it upside down when i fact i was reading it right side up..
201..
Not like WOW killer but very high for someone of my age and health and no history of diabetes.
Doc says... you got staright to the hospital..
Call grandmother inform her and tell her to get in touch with everyone and let them know that i am being admitted.
I text a few people and let them know..
Call work to let them know O might not be in on time tonight... j/k..
Then go through the admitting process..
been here for three hours now and I am starving one..
Had my asshole looked at numerous times..
Had my share of fingers there..
Had my fingers pricked ohhhhh six times..
my bloodsugar has went from 201 to 70 in a matter of hours..
It is still dropping and at 67 right now..
Waiting on my diabetic nutritionists to come and and talk to me as of now..
I like sitting here with my door wide opne staring at all the other poeople.. The people that have it worse than me..
I just have early onset diabetes..
At 24...
What does that mean for me?
A life deprived of sugar..
Something that I do not really crave now, but still like to have every now and again..
I have to apperently at more often with regularity..
Who knows what is in my dietary or personal life..
What else can I be dealt with at once..
If this does not show my strength towards the bad shit out there then Fuck it all..
I have proven to myself that I can take the shit thrown my way and have bo problem ishing it back





These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com

witha strange turn of events my worst fear is coming true...
I knew that i would have to go to the hospital when i came to the doctors..
I was right.. in the worst sort of way..
Right now as i type they are preadmitting me to a hospital..
Of course I asked if it could wait...
But with a blood sugar of 201 they did not take that idea to kindly.
He looked at me and said "No you really cannot be running around in your condition."
Me running around?
Hahahaha I laugh at that idea..
Well wish me luck on my journey of hospital land..





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Ewww..

I am officially sick..
I slept all monday.. after she left I went home and slept.. still woke up late for work..
I slept a good bit today and woke up ON TIME..
BUT, alas feeling like total shit..

It was Tuesday and I got some new movies at the buster..
Yay.. let me tell you I am so excited to have new movie tuesday..
I have to go early because believe it or not people actually do the same thing as me...
I still have yet to go by the old place..
Part of me is still holding out for some reason..

I still have yet to go to the grocery store for my place..
Yet again another hold out..
I have not moved the bed that I placed in front of the tv this weekend..
I have still yet to unpack my presents..
Man..
all the motivation is gone from me..
But I blame it all on me.
And I blame it on not feeling to well..

I cannot sleep enough.. and that is not usual for me..
Stomach problems are back again..
Yet I like to suffer..
So even though I do have health insurance i am not going to the doc..
I am scared of what they will find..
I know there is something pretty major wrong with my shit..
i will just go until I am on my death bed..
After the holidays..
That is a good procrastination excuse..

I do not feel like I will be working at this job much longer.
There is alot of disention in the ranks around here..
I am getting more and more mindless and STUPID fucking reports to make up..
I mean why complain?
It means more overtime right?
Not really..
I do not want to slave my waking moments here.
I have sleep to be catching..

I feel as if a part of me is missing..
I am a fucking moron..