I thought I had problems..

This story seems a little off.. A little over the top.. but.. sadly I believe it..
I found it on Criagslist.org my new favorite place to read crap and laugh...
I actually posted something in the Missed Connections part in Atlanta..
Was nothing really..

I am going to Nashville in a few hours.. I cannot wait.. It is Halloween and my favorite time of year..
I am also going to find out about some jobs..
After finding out the infomration I did yesterday I am VERY JADED and just plainly pissed off about things..
I should not be pissed at all because I am pulling in a grand or more a week... But I am because I could be pulling in more.. Yes that is GREED.. I should just appreciate what I have and go on.. But I do not feel appreciated.. I feel used currently..
I could have a life.. I could have the things I want..
BUT..

ANYWAYS here is the story some poor smuck told..
I feel for him.. I know how he feels of just wanting better for someone he loved..
But we all never get what we want.

Date: 2005-10-20, 1:00PM CDT


Most people rant about bad drivers, people who have wronged them, or other such day-to-day problems. I have a much deeper problem, and feel the need to openly, anonymously confess it. Here's a warning -- if you're not into drama, don't bother continuing to read.

I've changed some of the names of places and people to protect everyone's identity, but generally this is how it goes.

I'm a male. I was a junior in college in a southern state (not TN), and I was 21 years old. It's a very difficult university, and I had difficult double majors, so I spent most of my free time studying. When I wasn't doing that, I was working or getting stoned. I had only had a couple of serious relationships earlier, but nothing earth-moving. And, certainly, no one I wanted to marry.

I met a girl at a party who lived about 45 minutes away from where I lived. She was in highschool -- 16 at the time, and in 11th grade. I've heard conflicting reports on this, but ageofconsent.com says what I did was legal for the state in which I was living. She says it may have been statutory rape. Whatever. In any case, we started talking on the phone.

It quickly became your typical, overly-passionate, immature relationship... even though it was mostly by phone. She was going to high school, and I was really busy, so we just decided to see where it went by getting to know each other this way.

For our first true date, weeks later, I took her to a beautiful park near where I lived. I had prepared a picnic, poetry, and a stuffed animal that somehow related to our telephone conversations (don't ask me what it was or how it related... but it made sense at the time). We held hands, talked for hours, and walked all around the park. I took her home that afternoon, and we kissed goodbye.

The relationship got serious very quickly. We fell in love, but were clearly not ready for it. We also got sexual very quickly... another mistake. She dropped out of highschool without me knowing about it, and told me weeks later that she did so as to be able to always be around when I was off from class or work (as I regularly was during odd hours of the day). I was upset, but at the same time flattered that this girl who I loved so much would do such a thing for me. I convinced her to re-enroll in a private school, and she soon moved in with me to my apartment.

Things were not perfect. She depended on me to replace 100% of her friends, family, and social interactions she had while she lived at home. She's now 17, and I'm still 21. She stays at home all day while I am out working and going to class, and when I come home it's like everything is ok again. But I know the truth -- that she is miserable and wants me to just be with her every hour of every day. I want the same thing, but would never quit my job or school.

Things progress, and we start to deal with problems. I am about to graduate college now, and I have accepted a job about an hour north of my current apartment. She tells me she wants to move with me, even though that's another hour in the opposite direction of where she grew up. I graduate, we move, and we agree that any problems we once had would be solved when we got out of our surroundings, into a larger apartment.

I was used to living the poor college life, and now all of a sudden I was making $80k/year. We were going on trips we had never dreamed of, buying plasma TVs and new cars, and filling the voids in our lives with... stuff. She is unhappy because she is away from her family and her friends, and I am unhappy because I felt as though she should try to make new friends and visit her family when she could.

She wakes up one day and tells me she's bisexual and wants to experience sex with another girl, with me as well. We meet a girl in a resort town near where we lived one weekend during a town celebration. She is a few sizes smaller than my girlfriend (neither were fat -- just, the other girl had a smaller bone structure) and bigger boobs. My girlfriend wants to go for it. They get naked, I get naked, and all I could do was give oral sex. I sit on the floor and watch in devastation as my girlfriend has sex with someone else. I think that she is going to leave me to become a lesbian, or some stupid shit like that, and when it's all over I freak out on her during the ride home. She tells me she thought it was every guy's fantasy and why wasn't I enjoying it... I come to my senses and just go with the flow.

She now constantly thinks I am cheating on her with a girl who works in my office. I am gone for long hours and away on business trips, and while I'm being faithful, she just doesn't believe me. She sits and home and cries, and falls into a deep depression. I become not-the-best-boyfriend in the world, although I do make attempts to make her happy.

She decides she wants some time off, and goes to visit her father about 2 hours from where we live. She is going to live there for a while, straighten out her life, and then give me a call one day. I freak out, pretty much stay outside her house, and try to see her as often as possible. Eventually she comes back to live with me, but she goes out for drives and stays out for days at a time.

New Years' is coming, and we are barely talking. She lives out of her car, and I don't know where she is or if she's alright. She comes back to me in early January, and tells me she has had four relationships with guys, and two relationships with girls. She is sorry but wants me back.

I take her back, reluctantly, but I never treat her the same. I am always skeptical of her, I have panic attacks, I am overly jealous in a bad way, and the trust is just not there. Slowly things begin to return to normal, although she tells me I am treating her the same. She is trying very hard, as am I, to make it work.

I propose to her. I rented out a movie theater, spent every dime I had on an engagement ring, and rented the movie Ever After with Drew Barrymore to play in the theater. I propose to her and she says yes.

Summer comes. I get a new job in Chattanooga, and I am making preparations to move. All of a sudden -- I snap. I stop talking to her, I stop wanting to be with her, and I am mean to her. I kick her out of the apartment, move to Chattanooga, and want nothing more to do with her.

Why? I honestly wish I knew. It's like it JUST hit me, 6 months later, that she cheated on me. Some of them were our friends. These were people I knew and trusted. I freaked out. I didn't sleep, I barely ate, and I wanted her out of my life. I am very open with her and tell her all of that, and I tell I want to date other people.

She tries in the sweetest and most sincere ways to get me back. She makes constant trips to Chattanooga and sneaks into my apartment to lay beside me. She kisses me awake in the mornings. She is loving, and caring, and sweet. But I don't see it at the time. I am angry, and I felt betrayed and cheated.

So I started dating someone. A girl from Nashville. She is a slut who I really can't stand, but she fills the emptiness in my life. She ends up being an ok person -- a little sweet, a litle understanding. I eventually break up with her, come to my senses, and start trying to get my old gf back.

But not before the new girl calls up my old gf and is truly, deeply, hurtful to her. She shares our sex life, how she met my friends, and the nice things I do for her.

I didn't know it, but at that time my old gf was pregnant with my child.

The new girl leaves the picture. Old gf tells me about the abortion, and how she lied to me when she told me she had cheated on me. She has a nervous breakdown, and tells me she just wanted more attention. That she made out with a few guys, but no sex. And it wasn't even the guys she told me it had been with.

I start smoking.

She comes back to Chattanooga and tries to work things out, but it just isn't happening. She is too upset -- rightfully so.

So she goes and dates another guy. She tells me today that she's pregnant again, now with his child. She doesn't know what to do and she wants to kill herself. She won't tell me where she is living, and her family wants nothing to do with her. I contact as many family members and old friends as I know, but none of them know anything. They all hate her for having an abortion when she was last pregnant. The time she was pregnant by me.

I begged her on the phone to let me take care of her. To let me hold her. To let me love her again. I begged her to be with me. She told me she wants to, but that she can't face me. She is in a horrible state. Sick. Poor. Alone.

I drive around the areas I think she is living late at night, looking for her. I try to be there for her but she won't let me into her life. I don't even know if I want to marry her anymore -- I don't know if I love her the way a boyfriend loves a girlfriend, or the way a man loves a woman. Maybe I love her as my closest friend. I don't know. I just want her to be ok. I want her life to be alright, and I don't want her to feel pain anymore. She doesn't deserve this.

She tells me it's my fault. I tell her it's both our faults. But neither is correct. I don't know what went wrong, or why life was unfair. I feel guilty because I have a stable job, a place to live, medicine, and I'm generally ok. I got a puppy, I mountain bike very chance I get, and I am even making friends in TN. But I would give it all up to make her happy for just one day.

I don't know if I want to be with her, only because I think when I am with her we are so much in love that we are unable to do anything else with our lives. But at the same time, my heart tells me to quit my job and spend every day and night searching for her. Just so I can see her again, smell her hair, and hold her. I would give anything in this world to hold her one more time while she falls asleep. But I guess none of that matters now.

My friends and family tell me it should be a learning experience for me. But I don't know what I've learned. Just that life is unfair, having money makes life easier, and cops treat poor people differently from rich people.

That's it. Thanks for reading.

I am tired..

I am just plain tired of lots of things..
So much to complain about right now but yet no time to complain.
I think I am ready for life but...
I am scared to go and look for the life..

Real Post

Since I have not posted a real post of substanace in a long time here goes..

When you look at your life and think things are in the past and you have long since let things go you realize that things are still there and nothing has been let go.
I will say things in my life have been a little better lately but solitude brings a lot of things back to the surface..

I have come a long way but I think that in life I have only just begun on a lot of things..

This weekend I went home to try and get enrolled in a diabetic study for type 1 diabetes. They are studying the effect on some new insulin on people that have type one.

I went home Friday and saw the whole family. It was interesting. They all come together when I am there. But when I leave it is back to the normal of being a dysfunctional family.

When I gotup there Friday I went to my mothers after the doctor visit. I ate dinner with my mother at the Mexican place right around the corner from the place where my and BB lived together. Then I went to my grandmothers and saw her for a little while. I spent some good time there.

Went to sleep and woke up Saturday morning. I had some bug in my pants and started cleaning my mothers garage. I do not know why. But, I pressured washed the whole enitre garage after I emptied the contents of the place. I NEVER thought I would see my mothers garage like that. I was actually a little embarrassed. She keeps the cleanest house of anyone I have ever meet and when I went in her garage it was filthy. Rat poo everywhere. Not after the big O stepped onto the scene and cleaned the whole place. It was spotless after the fact.

Then I got dressed and ready to go out for the night. I took the 350Z out for the first time and I cannot wait till I get that car. I have been promised it already so it is just a matter of time. I went to my grand mothers again and sat with her for a while. We talked and I ate the dinner that she had cooked. Then I went to the mills. Ahh the old Mills... Saturday night at that place was always crazy and it stil is. That car can make a dork look hot though. I went and saw my haircut lady and talked with her a lot. Got my hair cut for free.. Yet again..

After that I went back to my mothers house to pickup the truclk so I could go out, out.. I went the fastest I have ever been in a car. 130.. Man was that a rush. I was flying! only from one exit to another so it was not like I was doing this on the sidestreets...
Went out with P, S, and Double D. Went downtown to go to the Stage but as Georgia fans will dictate how we can have fun the whole place was PACKED. We did not get in there so we left for Brentwood to a local bar..
CLOSED.
SO we headed to the Ole' Faithful. The place where many of my nights started.. Jonathan's B&G. Yumm..
Saw someone from my past with BB.
SD. She used to work with him and was someone that she idolized in a way. She loved his lifestyle and where he had been in life. I saw hime with some friends sitting right behind us so I talked to him for a minute. He had no idea who I was at first but I reminded him and of course he remembered the connection.

I have brought myself a long way from having nothing and no one.
I purchased a dryer this weekend to complete my household.
Now I have my own stuff..
Washer Dryer and Microwave.
I am proud of myself.
Although I do have a court date this Wednsday for the 34 MPH over ticket that is BULLSHIT.
That is going to be at least a $300 ticket. NOT FUN.

I had a dream about her tonight. We where in a car and she was on her way to here new boyfriends house. She had no idea I knew who he was and why she was going to see him but I knew everything. It was like I could read her mind. I dunno it was weird. ANyways we got to her new boys house and I got out and started walking home. It was kind of weird. Where I cannot be friend her in real life I have in my dreams. Of course to and from NAshville I listened to the CD that was hers/mine. What is it that has made it really hard to let go of something that did not want me?
Something that I guess was not good for me. Says everyone else but me. I think that she was the best thing to happen to me since sliced bread. I mean come on. I have a job now that most people would not have until they are older and much more expereiced. I have my own place in a large city of sin. I dunno things are not bad really I have a lot to be thankful for because of her. So whatever for the people who try to consoul me and tell me that she was bad for me.

Well life goes on and people choose to stay out of your life. So be it. Not my loss anymore. I am a good person, I have a lot to offer someone. When it is my time I will know I am not going to rush anything. They will come to me.
Hummm..
So this has been somewhat of a post. I need to get back into the saddle of throwing something up everyday.
It is pretty helpful in the sense of getting things out of my head that float around and plus I want a record of things that are to hapen throughout my life.
Anyways I bid goodmornig for now.

For the need...

For those of you who feel the need to hack my shit on a constant basis, it is pretty funny. Someone asked to reset my password on my hotmail account. What a joke I guess it came to my alternate email address.. I think it is funny. Keep trying :)

You would have no clue unless you turned it over to see the other side with the dials poking through. 

Gum anyone? 

this is the back of it. The player is so small that it fits perfectly inside the orbit gun box. Actually it is thinner than the box as well as shorter 

plastic covering on the dials. 

Is it not lovely? 

case 

the case 

this shows that it is about four to five credit cards thikness this is in the case that I made it. 

size is amazing 2 gigs  

MP3 player with the phot slideshow. 

Beautiful display with the color screen and some of the pictures that I have uploaded to it. 

This is the genral size of it 

This is my new little toy. I LOVE IT. But they do not have any type of case for it as of yet. So these are the pictures showing of what I made for it to protect the ipod from the apparent scratches that these are prone to. 

What a weekend...

So I went on a small spending spree this weekend.. I guess that is what happens when you have free time and you are not working...

I bought..

A microwave.. Very much so needed.. I do not have one so I went and shopped around and found a good microwave nothing fancy for just under a hundred bucks..

So I did not have one but know I do..

NOW..

I have always wanted a radio at work..

Been dying for one..

So I killed two birds with one stone..

One IPOD Nano.. Black

That suit me just fine..

I am excited.. I love m new IPOD NANO..

 

I had to search high and low for it.. but I found one.

ANYWAYS. Gonna run at work have lots to do today.

 

 

Something that someone sent to me..

Yeah yeah I have not been blogging so what I work 70 hours a week... But my bank account is not complaining..

 

I got this email from someone who knew what I was going through..

 

This is all it said..

It made me smile..

 

When the rainbow cannot be found

and so-called best friends you're not around

I open my eyes and realize

you were always there

Email Test

Dear Grandma,

First of all I would like to apologize for the long lapse in writing or lack there of and communication. I know that there have been differences between our families but it is my fault for not nurturing the relationship between me and you. I have often said if it were not for you I would have had no contact with the other side of my family what so ever. I deeply regret not keeping in touch with you and I am sorry. I do not blame you or hold any bad thoughts towards you. It is you, who was always in touch and wanted to know who I was and what I have become. It is in the letter that I am going to tell you and show you that you would be extremely proud of who I have become and what I have accomplished in my life.

On fathers day this past year I wrote in a journal of mine that I hated this day of the year. Every year that fathers day went by it was nothing but a big disappointment for me. On that same token I also said that my father is my hero in my life. I would not be the person I am today if it was left up to my father. I attribute everything I have done in my life to myself being a self-starter and motivating myself. Throughout my life I have had to teach myself many "manly" things that a typical son or boy would have a father there in place to do. I used to be hurt tremendously by that absence in my life until later that I found it more comforting. Now the question comes on where to begin in my life. I am going to start at the last place that I know would be the best starting place, my senior year in high school.

In high school I was the kid that everyone knew and liked. I followed a straight line and did my best to walk it. Involved in everything it was hard to find time to rest. A typical day was spent getting up and going to school before everyone else to practice on the various teams that I was involved with. My sophomore year I signed up for a military science class called J.R.O.T.C.; I became very active in the organization and lead a lot of the teams. The organization did various ceremonies for businesses and local sporting teams in which we presented the American flag during the National Anthem prior to the events. We also had a rifle team that competed in numerous shooting events throughout the year.

I rose through the ranks and by my junior year I was a leader in the organization. It was that year that I competed in the state rifle competition and our team together ranked second in the state for our efforts. We also had other various competitions that we went to and our school came out on top most of the time. The unit at our school had/has everything going for it. Support from everyone and great teachers. By my senior year I was the third in command of the unit and we led the southeast in JROTC in awards. I graduated with great memories and skills that helped me throughout my life.

My other activities included playing on the soccer team my freshman, sophomore and junior year. I ran track junior and senior year along with managing the girl's soccer team my junior and senior year. My sophomore year also included another big milestone. Along with playing soccer and joining JROTC I showed interest in running cross-country. But, at the present time the school did not have a team to run on, so being me I got a small group of runners together and we put together a team. I continued running on the cross-country team and managed to fit everything else in until I graduated from high school.

My junior year was very interesting as well. During one of our home football games I was given the chance to be the mascot during the game. It started off as a joke but turned into something that changed me for the rest of my life. After that first game I wanted to do it every game since the school did not care who performed or even what we did during the game. That year after the third football game of the year I became the official mascot. During that school year our football team made it to the state championship and I followed them the whole way. I became the official "Bear" of not only our high school but also the city. Everyone loved the mascot and the antics that he pulled. The school then began getting requests for appearances around the town. Of course, I found time to go and have a little fun by being the mascot. The biggest part of the whole thing is that I kept that job quiet. No one knew who that funny little person dancing around and making fun of people was.

My senior year I decided to apply for the newspaper staff as one of my classes. It did not take long for them to come back and accept me into the class and offer me the job of senior copywriter/editor. Now along with all my other duties was added the responsibilities of putting together the school newspaper. That opened up opportunities for me during the year as well as the summer where I accepted a summer internship for the Tennessean. This is a newspaper in downtown Nashville. My senior year was action packed with many activities including performing in theater productions.

Also during my last year I hiked part of the Appalachian Trail for my senior spring break. While other students went to Florida and Cancun for their last vacation my best friend, Matt, and I went hiking. The hike lasted one whole week and we had one stop in a town for refueling and getting more supplies. After the trip our friendship was truly forged in stone and till this day I share a bond with him that will never end and even though we currently live in other parts of the country our friendship is stronger than most people would ever find in a person that lives right around the corner.

When graduation rolled around I had already chosen my college that I was going to attend and had numerous scholarship offerings. I accepted a scholarship from Cumberland University for Mascot-ting and Cross Country along with the one for the fine arts building. Cumberland University had been using me since my junior year in High School to setup their sound and lighting systems for their theatrical productions. I also had numerous rolls in the productions but I choose to mainly stay behind the scenes of the productions and be the unseen hero. So basically, my decision for college was easy. Cumberland was a college that was 20 minutes away in the town right next to where I grew up in. I already knew lots of people there so my adjusting to college life was really a joke. I lived on campus trying to separate myself from my family and strike out on my own independently. I enrolled in classes pursing a degree in biology. I stayed on the track for two and a half years. I started working for Fed-EX Ground my freshman year as well. I would work through the night and attend classes during the day. I also maintained my scholarship duties during the day of acting in plays and keeping the Fine Arts building with a sound Engineer.

By my junior year in college I was growing weary and worn down from doing so many double duties. I eventually dropped out of school to work as much as I could for Fed- Ex. I moved into an apartment on my own and got a second job waiting tables. I stayed with Fed Ex Ground for just under five years and decided to quit. My decision for leaving the company was more involved due to the fact that the young lady I was dating at the time and her wanting to move to Atlanta. She wanted to go to the Art Institute to get her degree in Interior Design. So I thought that we could move to Atlanta and start a life. I accepted a job with a company called Mohawk Industries. They are the world's largest producer of flooring and have their headquarters here in Georgia.

I continued to work two jobs to make sure that we had enough money for the both of us and so that she could concentrate on getting into school and paying for that. That was this past November. Shortly after that it was decided that we wanted our seperate lives.

In December I was admitted in the hospital with acute systems of diabetes. Two days later they discharged me and referred me to another doctor. In January of 2005 I was officially diagnosed with diabetes. Over the next 2 moths my condition declined and as of one month ago I was put on an insulin pump.

Currently I am a type 1 diabetic and live my life day to day ensuring that I lead a healthy lifestyle. I am the regional Dispatcher for the Southeast region. That entails nine facilities 64 drivers and seven states. I like my job here at Mohawk and looked forward to what my futures holds here. I am still single. No marriage on the horizon and no kids. I have never been married; except to my work. I also live with my dog Saber, my cat Sampson, and some fish. I keep myself busy by doing the day-to-day life living and not doing too many exciting things. I often sit and think about the other side of my family. I wonder where people are and what they are doing with their life.

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