Thursday, June 30, 2005
This was my trip to the NEW IKEA STORE I am so excited.. I am going to start buying furniture this weekend.. WEll tonight I am going to go and get a few things I have already designed my room online and now I am going to start putting it together. I put together a whole bedrrom for a grand. Everything from bed to mattress to sheets and comforter... Well anyways I am getting around not having INET access by posting a short summary here. I like this stuff..
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Beat down..
Where is my happy ending?
Where is my Rainbow?
Give me something to follow something to shoot for..
Please..
I have not been able to sleep good in a long time...
Best of luck Liam.
I hope everything goes ok..
Even though you have no idea I even have a blog..
I still hope you get things straight..
Everyone dexerves a break sometime in life..
Where is my Rainbow?
Give me something to follow something to shoot for..
Please..
I have not been able to sleep good in a long time...
Best of luck Liam.
I hope everything goes ok..
Even though you have no idea I even have a blog..
I still hope you get things straight..
Everyone dexerves a break sometime in life..
Monday, June 27, 2005
A few changes...
So this weekend was a working wonderful weekend.
I worked again quite a few hours and bartended. Cleaned the hell out of the bar and had a good time..
This weekend I learned of a famouse person that has been living right under my nose now since I moved here.
USHER lives literally around the corner just past Home Deopt.
He has a huge pink ass house with gates with big U's all over it.
Then after I got home this morning around 2am and went to sleep I was awakened by someone at my door. Actually Trish came to me on the couch and said there was a guy at the front door and she did not want to answer it... So since I had to go to wokr anyways I went ahead and answered the door... It was Liam..
What a pleasant surprise...
Glad to know that he is alive and well and doing ok.
He informed me that he was here to get his car towed here and pick up his stuff. They had drove all night long. So the friend that Liam moved into with..The guy I know as Lestat whom I have only met once came in and moved his stuff down to their rental car.
Then he called me at work adn told me some more stuff about them loposing his car... So tonigh I am going to have company of Lestat at William. I am making the bed for them as we speak. and cleanig up a tad..
I have to be at work at the ASS crack of dawn in the morning.. Not like I am complaining but still I will not be abe to have fun with them tonight.. Anyways.. Internet at work is now restricted until I get clearence o something if I even get it at all..
So I am either going to buy a new one or some furniture. It is not like I really NEEEEED to have a computer due to the fact that I do not do anything but keep my thoughts online. I do not get any email, or correspond with anyone really through here so I am good.
Well with that I am going to run and finish this shit and then call Liam.
I worked again quite a few hours and bartended. Cleaned the hell out of the bar and had a good time..
This weekend I learned of a famouse person that has been living right under my nose now since I moved here.
USHER lives literally around the corner just past Home Deopt.
He has a huge pink ass house with gates with big U's all over it.
Then after I got home this morning around 2am and went to sleep I was awakened by someone at my door. Actually Trish came to me on the couch and said there was a guy at the front door and she did not want to answer it... So since I had to go to wokr anyways I went ahead and answered the door... It was Liam..
What a pleasant surprise...
Glad to know that he is alive and well and doing ok.
He informed me that he was here to get his car towed here and pick up his stuff. They had drove all night long. So the friend that Liam moved into with..The guy I know as Lestat whom I have only met once came in and moved his stuff down to their rental car.
Then he called me at work adn told me some more stuff about them loposing his car... So tonigh I am going to have company of Lestat at William. I am making the bed for them as we speak. and cleanig up a tad..
I have to be at work at the ASS crack of dawn in the morning.. Not like I am complaining but still I will not be abe to have fun with them tonight.. Anyways.. Internet at work is now restricted until I get clearence o something if I even get it at all..
So I am either going to buy a new one or some furniture. It is not like I really NEEEEED to have a computer due to the fact that I do not do anything but keep my thoughts online. I do not get any email, or correspond with anyone really through here so I am good.
Well with that I am going to run and finish this shit and then call Liam.
Friday, June 24, 2005
Breaking point..
When things get so bad you just have to tell yourself they will get better because they cannot get any worse.. then you laugh about it.. I mean you have to.. Work here is just getting worse and worse.. When you have upset customers calling all the time because we have emloyed incompetent drivers it is unreal.. When I have to get out of my office and go work in the warehouse loading customers I get pissed. I have worked hard in my life to get the experience I need to get a job where I do not have to work as hard. I have poured the blood, sweat, and tears into working outside in the elements to get the training for something better. I have completed my stepping stone. So to step back out in the warehouse and help these fools pisses me off.
There is just so much shit going on no wonder I am hating myself.. hahahaha
all I can do now is laugh about it...
ALTHOUGH I did hear about a grand opening of the IKEA here in Atlanta and the first 100 people in line get a free arm chair.. You better believe that I will be there first in line.. Sleeping in my car to get that free chair and I will be going shopping for sure that day to get the furniture that I have been looking for.. Anyways.. going back to the madness
There is just so much shit going on no wonder I am hating myself.. hahahaha
all I can do now is laugh about it...
ALTHOUGH I did hear about a grand opening of the IKEA here in Atlanta and the first 100 people in line get a free arm chair.. You better believe that I will be there first in line.. Sleeping in my car to get that free chair and I will be going shopping for sure that day to get the furniture that I have been looking for.. Anyways.. going back to the madness
Where?..
I LOVE CARDIO RADIO..
I listen to it everyday sitting at my desk eating my lunch..
]I Instant message the DJ all the time because she is pretty cool to talk to.
Tracy ... AllthehitsQ100... I wish the cradio hour was a little longer. I mean she plays the greatest shiiiiiiit..
But the only thing I hate is that the show is only an hour long and it just goes by so quickly..
I remember when I first heard that show.. WOW..
I was sitting in the office of my former employer DHL. During the interview process.. BB was in the car sitting waiting and I was just literally sitting in his office... I heard the music start and I was like.. hold up wait a minute.. I asked him what station it was on.. Then I finally was released from his graps and ran out to the car to share the station with BB... Then we drov around to TACO bell right down the road and listened to it. WOW.. I so remember.. Anyways..
I have had three 12 hours days in a row now. Monday was a 10 hour day.. So my overtime this week is going to double my paycheck.. I really like having a roomate that pays rent and internet and her own phone line.... It has helped me out tremendously..
ALTHOUGH.....
Last night I got home at 10.. I did not know what I was walking into.. They being roomie and a friend where getting ready to go out.. Which is cool you know quite evening at home unwinding.. HA... They started drinking and getting ready.. Of course I had to partake in taking shots because hello why do I want to sit by and watch.. So I had a few shots with them.. then there is a knock on the door. 2 more show up.. Now I am the only dude there.. amongst these 4 dolled up women going out to have fun.. ok,ok, They where loud as SHIT.. running around the apartment singing houting and hollarring.. It was just a mess.. I just wanted to sit on the couch and VEGGGGGietate but... 4 hormonal woman where there..
So what did I do?
Laundry...
HAHAHHAA I ironed shirts and folded my underwear.. I made my bed with fresh sheets for them to come back and sleep on and blew up the air mattress in the living room and put sheets on that for them.. After all that I was POOPED so I crashed on the couch watching some of the National Geo channel.. I was not asleep to long before they came back.. Wondering where they where sleeping. I told them to go and get into my bed. Blondie Marine.. who has been to the apartment many times before leaped at the chance to get into the bed.. Which I still have not slept in.. She is one of the people that have questioned my problem with not getting into my bed.. I explained it to everyone that it is just not as comfortable as my couch.. Yeah right ;)... So she has been in my bed a few times.. From the times that her and her b--friend and other people have been over to have a good time..
ANYWAYS... sidetracked..
She jumped at the chance to get into bed HAHHAHAHA.. sounds funny... IN MY BED.. But ultimately my bed only sleeps one person.. I mean you can squeeze two people on the couch if you like the double Decker position.. but hell I get hot after a while..
Then EARLY this morning I was awakened again by all of them getting up and dressed again..
I just continued to sleep...
It felt so good to sleep off all the shit that has been going on at work..
So I come in today and I get my lunch bought for me from the salesteam due to the fact that I have been busting my ass getting their shit delivered..
So that has made this week a little better..
Well I am going to run for now.. If something pops in my head I will be back today...
Christopher
I listen to it everyday sitting at my desk eating my lunch..
]I Instant message the DJ all the time because she is pretty cool to talk to.
Tracy ... AllthehitsQ100... I wish the cradio hour was a little longer. I mean she plays the greatest shiiiiiiit..
But the only thing I hate is that the show is only an hour long and it just goes by so quickly..
I remember when I first heard that show.. WOW..
I was sitting in the office of my former employer DHL. During the interview process.. BB was in the car sitting waiting and I was just literally sitting in his office... I heard the music start and I was like.. hold up wait a minute.. I asked him what station it was on.. Then I finally was released from his graps and ran out to the car to share the station with BB... Then we drov around to TACO bell right down the road and listened to it. WOW.. I so remember.. Anyways..
I have had three 12 hours days in a row now. Monday was a 10 hour day.. So my overtime this week is going to double my paycheck.. I really like having a roomate that pays rent and internet and her own phone line.... It has helped me out tremendously..
ALTHOUGH.....
Last night I got home at 10.. I did not know what I was walking into.. They being roomie and a friend where getting ready to go out.. Which is cool you know quite evening at home unwinding.. HA... They started drinking and getting ready.. Of course I had to partake in taking shots because hello why do I want to sit by and watch.. So I had a few shots with them.. then there is a knock on the door. 2 more show up.. Now I am the only dude there.. amongst these 4 dolled up women going out to have fun.. ok,ok, They where loud as SHIT.. running around the apartment singing houting and hollarring.. It was just a mess.. I just wanted to sit on the couch and VEGGGGGietate but... 4 hormonal woman where there..
So what did I do?
Laundry...
HAHAHHAA I ironed shirts and folded my underwear.. I made my bed with fresh sheets for them to come back and sleep on and blew up the air mattress in the living room and put sheets on that for them.. After all that I was POOPED so I crashed on the couch watching some of the National Geo channel.. I was not asleep to long before they came back.. Wondering where they where sleeping. I told them to go and get into my bed. Blondie Marine.. who has been to the apartment many times before leaped at the chance to get into the bed.. Which I still have not slept in.. She is one of the people that have questioned my problem with not getting into my bed.. I explained it to everyone that it is just not as comfortable as my couch.. Yeah right ;)... So she has been in my bed a few times.. From the times that her and her b--friend and other people have been over to have a good time..
ANYWAYS... sidetracked..
She jumped at the chance to get into bed HAHHAHAHA.. sounds funny... IN MY BED.. But ultimately my bed only sleeps one person.. I mean you can squeeze two people on the couch if you like the double Decker position.. but hell I get hot after a while..
Then EARLY this morning I was awakened again by all of them getting up and dressed again..
I just continued to sleep...
It felt so good to sleep off all the shit that has been going on at work..
So I come in today and I get my lunch bought for me from the salesteam due to the fact that I have been busting my ass getting their shit delivered..
So that has made this week a little better..
Well I am going to run for now.. If something pops in my head I will be back today...
Christopher
Thursday, June 23, 2005
I just want to give up..
Are there times in your life where you just want to give up on everything and live on the street? I figure if I lived on the street I would only have to worry about a few things. Eating, sleeping, and shelter. I could roam the streets aimlessly and not really give a fuck about anything anymore..
I mean that seems reasonable.
I just wnat a simple life that is all..
I am so hard on myself it is not even funny anymore. I find it harder and harder to be happy. I am sleepy and grumpy all the time. I am rarely in the good moods i used to be in all the time. I do not have the energy to accomplish the things I need to.
Ahh well I just need to start motivating myself again. I think I need to find someone down here to talk to professionally. I mean I am thankful for things but I just do not appreciate what I have I guess. I need to volunteer or something to give my interest back into the whole living thing. I just plainly do not feel like living and going through life anymore. Everywhere I turn I seem to see pain and the hurt that this world has. The hatered and the just plain mean ways.
I know lately I have been down and I have been notating it in this journal but I cannot help it. These things have been heavy on my mind and I am sure that no one but myself would listne to it anyways. I mean people would probaly think I am crazy.
Why do you still lament over someone who basically wants no interest or friendship in you.
Why do you still care what happens to this person after all the things they have put you through?
Why are you so upset about what you have in your life right now.
I mean I think it is a combination of a few things.
Like the life changing events that have taken place with my health..
My family has all moved into new houses and I am still in a rinky dink apartment.
The people I know here where I live now are shady and I cannot find an honest person to save my life. I mean it is not like you need to lie about stupid shit. If you say your going to do something please do it. The older I get I hope it does not mena it si going get more and more bitter.. That is not what I want.
I want something to look forward to someone to give me a reason to come home instead of staying at work constantly fdoing more than I should.
I want just plain to be happy.
But I guess the thing is that I need to be happy with myself before I can share and give happiness to anyone else. That right now is not what I can do.
I cannot trust anyone. I do not believe a word anyone says anymore. In my life the people that I have trusted outside of my family even some of them have really let me down. They have destroyed my ability to not think of anyhting but someone lying to me. I do not beilieve what comes out of peoples mouth. I need proof. I told my boss the other day to prove it. I did not believe what he said so I asked for proof. AM I some naieve freak? I used to take everything someone said for what it was worth and I gambled that is was the truth. I stuck up for them all the time. My mother is the instance... So who knows.. I just wanna give up sometimes..
I mean that seems reasonable.
I just wnat a simple life that is all..
I am so hard on myself it is not even funny anymore. I find it harder and harder to be happy. I am sleepy and grumpy all the time. I am rarely in the good moods i used to be in all the time. I do not have the energy to accomplish the things I need to.
Ahh well I just need to start motivating myself again. I think I need to find someone down here to talk to professionally. I mean I am thankful for things but I just do not appreciate what I have I guess. I need to volunteer or something to give my interest back into the whole living thing. I just plainly do not feel like living and going through life anymore. Everywhere I turn I seem to see pain and the hurt that this world has. The hatered and the just plain mean ways.
I know lately I have been down and I have been notating it in this journal but I cannot help it. These things have been heavy on my mind and I am sure that no one but myself would listne to it anyways. I mean people would probaly think I am crazy.
Why do you still lament over someone who basically wants no interest or friendship in you.
Why do you still care what happens to this person after all the things they have put you through?
Why are you so upset about what you have in your life right now.
I mean I think it is a combination of a few things.
Like the life changing events that have taken place with my health..
My family has all moved into new houses and I am still in a rinky dink apartment.
The people I know here where I live now are shady and I cannot find an honest person to save my life. I mean it is not like you need to lie about stupid shit. If you say your going to do something please do it. The older I get I hope it does not mena it si going get more and more bitter.. That is not what I want.
I want something to look forward to someone to give me a reason to come home instead of staying at work constantly fdoing more than I should.
I want just plain to be happy.
But I guess the thing is that I need to be happy with myself before I can share and give happiness to anyone else. That right now is not what I can do.
I cannot trust anyone. I do not believe a word anyone says anymore. In my life the people that I have trusted outside of my family even some of them have really let me down. They have destroyed my ability to not think of anyhting but someone lying to me. I do not beilieve what comes out of peoples mouth. I need proof. I told my boss the other day to prove it. I did not believe what he said so I asked for proof. AM I some naieve freak? I used to take everything someone said for what it was worth and I gambled that is was the truth. I stuck up for them all the time. My mother is the instance... So who knows.. I just wanna give up sometimes..
Good Morning...
After a horrible day yesterday I come back into the office a little late.
Tired and exhausted..
I have not been looking forward to today..
I did not leave work until close to 10'o clock last night due to the mayhem.
I hope today does not go like that. It is rough to work like that. The are paying me good. It is good I guess.. There is nothing for me to go home to or anyhting like that. So basically I am burying myself in work which for the mos part it keeps my mind off of things going on in my life.
You know the hardest thing to do is not picking up the phone and calling. I have been extremely good. I have dialed here number a few times.. But just looked at the phone. Thought to myself why I was calling. Why did I type out a text message.
Then i just closed the lid on my texter and cleared my phone out. I understand that she does not want to talk to me. If I did call she would not answer or if she did answer she would probaly be upset and wonder why I was calling.. So it is all good. I guess I am doing the right thing. I just hurt. I know things will get better soon it has been more than a month now. I will pick myself up.... I have to.
Tired and exhausted..
I have not been looking forward to today..
I did not leave work until close to 10'o clock last night due to the mayhem.
I hope today does not go like that. It is rough to work like that. The are paying me good. It is good I guess.. There is nothing for me to go home to or anyhting like that. So basically I am burying myself in work which for the mos part it keeps my mind off of things going on in my life.
You know the hardest thing to do is not picking up the phone and calling. I have been extremely good. I have dialed here number a few times.. But just looked at the phone. Thought to myself why I was calling. Why did I type out a text message.
Then i just closed the lid on my texter and cleared my phone out. I understand that she does not want to talk to me. If I did call she would not answer or if she did answer she would probaly be upset and wonder why I was calling.. So it is all good. I guess I am doing the right thing. I just hurt. I know things will get better soon it has been more than a month now. I will pick myself up.... I have to.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Everytime I turn around..
Everytime I turn around the memories of you are there.
Everytime I pass that place you are there..
I want to leave this place becuase sometimes I am just overwhelmed to know that you are here.. I am here... We got here together..
But we are not.. together..
I hope that someday for whatever reason you do read this...
Maybe someday you will know that I did love you ..
I loved you for all you are worth..
I just wish you felt more comfortable and able to talk to me..
I have to stop thinking about this but sometimes I just cannot push how I felt about her aside..
You cannot help the people you love and care for..
I hope that you are ok in your life..
Someday I hope to hear from you..
I know I will be there when you graduate.. That promise I made one night in bed long long ago...
I blame myself for everything..
Like I have always done before.........
But that is all I am going to say about that......
Somedays are good and somedays are bad...
today has not been a good day.. This week has dredged up alot of memories.. because this time last year we where just getting accustomed to the new area that we move to..
Everytime I pass that place you are there..
I want to leave this place becuase sometimes I am just overwhelmed to know that you are here.. I am here... We got here together..
But we are not.. together..
I hope that someday for whatever reason you do read this...
Maybe someday you will know that I did love you ..
I loved you for all you are worth..
I just wish you felt more comfortable and able to talk to me..
I have to stop thinking about this but sometimes I just cannot push how I felt about her aside..
You cannot help the people you love and care for..
I hope that you are ok in your life..
Someday I hope to hear from you..
I know I will be there when you graduate.. That promise I made one night in bed long long ago...
I blame myself for everything..
Like I have always done before.........
But that is all I am going to say about that......
Somedays are good and somedays are bad...
today has not been a good day.. This week has dredged up alot of memories.. because this time last year we where just getting accustomed to the new area that we move to..
Wonderful..
I wish I came into work a little earlier.
I also wish the warehouse here in Atlanta would get its shit together..
My day would be alot easier I tell you that...
I have been working on integrating my old journal and bringing it over into this one. I finally finished it today. I figured that I would keep all the times the good and the not so good together.
I mean like right now it seemed like a one sided story and I decided that I would go in and grab what I had and put it here so it is a complete story. so it is not so one sided....
I have really been active keeping up with writing in the journal lately..
I find it to be a good release to put down the things that are going on in my head. I feel better about things... When there is so much going on in life you have to keep track of it someplace...
Well I will get back to this in a little while...
I also wish the warehouse here in Atlanta would get its shit together..
My day would be alot easier I tell you that...
I have been working on integrating my old journal and bringing it over into this one. I finally finished it today. I figured that I would keep all the times the good and the not so good together.
I mean like right now it seemed like a one sided story and I decided that I would go in and grab what I had and put it here so it is a complete story. so it is not so one sided....
I have really been active keeping up with writing in the journal lately..
I find it to be a good release to put down the things that are going on in my head. I feel better about things... When there is so much going on in life you have to keep track of it someplace...
Well I will get back to this in a little while...
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
Understanding
I went to her livejournal today..
I had not been there in a while because I made a promise that I would not try and contact her.. I guess she has dropped off of the face of the earth because she has not posted anything at all for almost a month now.. Ohh well I guess.. I guess she is still using it and restricting me from reading it or she just does not use it anymore.. Either way I was running something through my head and went back to look at an entry that I had been replaying in my head.. The entry that was about the party she went to with someone she met..
It had been removed or something... I was mulling it around in my head because I was reading back through my blog and wondered something...
But I guess She has really erased me from her life..
That really amazes me..
I guess what we had really did mean nothing to her...
I find that hard to believe..
I thought she was geniune in her feelings toward me..
Maybe I was played..
I guess I will never know..
I guess I will never know the truth either...
I have been posting alot lately.. GEEZE I just looked back at it.. I have been posting everyday now for some reason.... ohh well..
I had not been there in a while because I made a promise that I would not try and contact her.. I guess she has dropped off of the face of the earth because she has not posted anything at all for almost a month now.. Ohh well I guess.. I guess she is still using it and restricting me from reading it or she just does not use it anymore.. Either way I was running something through my head and went back to look at an entry that I had been replaying in my head.. The entry that was about the party she went to with someone she met..
It had been removed or something... I was mulling it around in my head because I was reading back through my blog and wondered something...
But I guess She has really erased me from her life..
That really amazes me..
I guess what we had really did mean nothing to her...
I find that hard to believe..
I thought she was geniune in her feelings toward me..
Maybe I was played..
I guess I will never know..
I guess I will never know the truth either...
I have been posting alot lately.. GEEZE I just looked back at it.. I have been posting everyday now for some reason.... ohh well..
Funny stuff.. Sad stuff
I have found some of the best things to kill my time with....
This guy who Dances to a different song everyday... besides the weekends..
He has no shame.. I went through his archives and have been cracking up all morning long..
I have been browsing through a ton of blogs on here lately.. I am finding that us as a human race regardless of age, sex, social standing and what not all have about the same thing going on... Each in different stages of our lives..
Ohh well..
It still makes me feel alone...
I really hate being a failure.. I should have tried harder in the relationship.. Maybe there was something I could have done better or something that I could have done differently.. I guess I will never know..
Maybe I should start dancing like that dude..
You know it is Tuesday right?
I was walking around the office yesterday around five o'clock and I was wondering where one of our drivers had been all day long. In the tracking software I use I did not see him there and I just thought he had a vacation day or something. So when the drivers started coming in from delivering I asked one of them where RA was. Locks looked up from his paperwork and said "RA is dead." simple and plain as day. I turned and said "No, way" I stood there saying.
RA was a temporary driver for our company that we where trying to hire to become a Mohawk employee. This guy was great. I would talk to him everyday and help him out all the time.
I had been working all day and no one had even told me about anything that happened. There was no big sorrowful loss in the office or card to sign for his family or donation to take up for flowers for his funeral. I have been deeply upset about this really. I mean I interact with these guys everyday. They might be across the Southeast region but EVERYDAY I talk to all the 61 drivers at least once to see how things are going.
RA was playing basketball this weekend and he came in because he could not catch his breath. He sat down in front of the air conditiong and never moved. His family left the room and when they came back some time later to see if he was ready to eat he would not move. RA had a massive heart attack that killed him. Right there in front of the AC. Like that he left our world.
You know I really do care about these drivers. I am a caring person in general. I mean on my vacation I pulled over to pull a woman out of the ditch with my rental 4x4..
I truely believe that you should be nice to strangers and everyone you come in contact with. Help each other out because one day your going to need help. Now have I been a perfect model citizen? HELL NO. But still every chance I get I help people. I cannot even begin to think how many times I have helped people change tires on cars, given them rides to get gas, just random acts of kindness.
I have recanted this story once before to a friend but it stays fresh in my mind like it happened this year.
It was Christmas time 1999. I had just graduated from High School not to long ago. My mother had taken my truck away from me and I went out and bought my FIRST car. IT was a POS. But I was happy about it because it was a car and I had the freedom my mother had taken away from me. I had been working my ass off at Brooks Brothers to make some college money and pay for the car. I was driving to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, a tradition I had started back in High School my sophmore year I think.
Anyways, no one in my family would ever go to Midnight mass with me so I was all alone. This car had pulled off the side of the road because it had ran out of gas.
If you know me I like to cut it close on getting places so I was reluctant to stop. Not only becase of the time but I was scared that I would not have a seat waiting for me at the Church. So I drove right past the car. I got five hundred feet away and turned around. I went back and asked the lady if she was ok.
BTW this car also did not have a passenger side window due to the fact some vandal downtown threw a 30 lbs rock through the window stealing a few things.
She told me her plight and I was obliged to take her to the nearest OPEN gas station. I found a gallon jug of water at the station and we filled it up with gas and I drove her back to her car. 20 something degree weather driving down theroad at 45 was not fun. So on her way her and I go.
I get to church around 11:30 smelling a little like gasoline and worried about getting a seat. To my belief when I walked in it was already standing room only. But I felt good about what I had just did soo it kind of balanced out.
About thirty seconds into my disapointment one of my friends mothers flagged me down. There was a seat right next to her, one of the only one in the church left. It was like it was saved for me. I mean that is what I believe happened. But of course there is speculation about that. I mean I am not a STRONG christian.. I have never claimed to be... But I do have some morals and and live in a christian state of mind. There are somethings that I will never do like get a divorce, kill someone, commit adultory, or father any bastard children.
In a relationship I will try my hardest and best to make things work. Because if I can make thigns work in a relationship then I can hopefully make things work in a marriage. I have tried hard to stick things through thick and thin in relationships. Trying my best to do whatever it takes to get over the hills, through the valley's and remember the views from the top.
But that is just some of the stories of why I think of myself as such a caring person. I believe most of the time that I am a good person, but like everyone else we all have out doubts from time to time. We all have the thoughts of why should I try to go on and is it really worth it.. We all know those thoughts but we RARELY ever talk about them. That is pretty mucha taboo topic.
So with that I bid farewell to RA. I know that he is someplace with the smile on his face that he always had when he was here with us. He will be missed. I know from all the customers he serviced he was well liked and appreciated. I know I appreciate the short time I have known him.
Thanks for the smiles RA.
What scares me the most is will I have the same ending? Will I just be some blip on the radar that falls of in a few seconds? I hope that somehow I have made an impact on someone's life. I hope that somehow someone needed my help and I was there for them. Me being unaware of what I was actually doing for them. I have always wanted to help people I also just hope I never become a bitter old man.....
This guy who Dances to a different song everyday... besides the weekends..
He has no shame.. I went through his archives and have been cracking up all morning long..
I have been browsing through a ton of blogs on here lately.. I am finding that us as a human race regardless of age, sex, social standing and what not all have about the same thing going on... Each in different stages of our lives..
Ohh well..
It still makes me feel alone...
I really hate being a failure.. I should have tried harder in the relationship.. Maybe there was something I could have done better or something that I could have done differently.. I guess I will never know..
Maybe I should start dancing like that dude..
You know it is Tuesday right?
I was walking around the office yesterday around five o'clock and I was wondering where one of our drivers had been all day long. In the tracking software I use I did not see him there and I just thought he had a vacation day or something. So when the drivers started coming in from delivering I asked one of them where RA was. Locks looked up from his paperwork and said "RA is dead." simple and plain as day. I turned and said "No, way" I stood there saying.
RA was a temporary driver for our company that we where trying to hire to become a Mohawk employee. This guy was great. I would talk to him everyday and help him out all the time.
I had been working all day and no one had even told me about anything that happened. There was no big sorrowful loss in the office or card to sign for his family or donation to take up for flowers for his funeral. I have been deeply upset about this really. I mean I interact with these guys everyday. They might be across the Southeast region but EVERYDAY I talk to all the 61 drivers at least once to see how things are going.
RA was playing basketball this weekend and he came in because he could not catch his breath. He sat down in front of the air conditiong and never moved. His family left the room and when they came back some time later to see if he was ready to eat he would not move. RA had a massive heart attack that killed him. Right there in front of the AC. Like that he left our world.
You know I really do care about these drivers. I am a caring person in general. I mean on my vacation I pulled over to pull a woman out of the ditch with my rental 4x4..
I truely believe that you should be nice to strangers and everyone you come in contact with. Help each other out because one day your going to need help. Now have I been a perfect model citizen? HELL NO. But still every chance I get I help people. I cannot even begin to think how many times I have helped people change tires on cars, given them rides to get gas, just random acts of kindness.
I have recanted this story once before to a friend but it stays fresh in my mind like it happened this year.
It was Christmas time 1999. I had just graduated from High School not to long ago. My mother had taken my truck away from me and I went out and bought my FIRST car. IT was a POS. But I was happy about it because it was a car and I had the freedom my mother had taken away from me. I had been working my ass off at Brooks Brothers to make some college money and pay for the car. I was driving to Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve, a tradition I had started back in High School my sophmore year I think.
Anyways, no one in my family would ever go to Midnight mass with me so I was all alone. This car had pulled off the side of the road because it had ran out of gas.
If you know me I like to cut it close on getting places so I was reluctant to stop. Not only becase of the time but I was scared that I would not have a seat waiting for me at the Church. So I drove right past the car. I got five hundred feet away and turned around. I went back and asked the lady if she was ok.
BTW this car also did not have a passenger side window due to the fact some vandal downtown threw a 30 lbs rock through the window stealing a few things.
She told me her plight and I was obliged to take her to the nearest OPEN gas station. I found a gallon jug of water at the station and we filled it up with gas and I drove her back to her car. 20 something degree weather driving down theroad at 45 was not fun. So on her way her and I go.
I get to church around 11:30 smelling a little like gasoline and worried about getting a seat. To my belief when I walked in it was already standing room only. But I felt good about what I had just did soo it kind of balanced out.
About thirty seconds into my disapointment one of my friends mothers flagged me down. There was a seat right next to her, one of the only one in the church left. It was like it was saved for me. I mean that is what I believe happened. But of course there is speculation about that. I mean I am not a STRONG christian.. I have never claimed to be... But I do have some morals and and live in a christian state of mind. There are somethings that I will never do like get a divorce, kill someone, commit adultory, or father any bastard children.
In a relationship I will try my hardest and best to make things work. Because if I can make thigns work in a relationship then I can hopefully make things work in a marriage. I have tried hard to stick things through thick and thin in relationships. Trying my best to do whatever it takes to get over the hills, through the valley's and remember the views from the top.
But that is just some of the stories of why I think of myself as such a caring person. I believe most of the time that I am a good person, but like everyone else we all have out doubts from time to time. We all have the thoughts of why should I try to go on and is it really worth it.. We all know those thoughts but we RARELY ever talk about them. That is pretty mucha taboo topic.
So with that I bid farewell to RA. I know that he is someplace with the smile on his face that he always had when he was here with us. He will be missed. I know from all the customers he serviced he was well liked and appreciated. I know I appreciate the short time I have known him.
Thanks for the smiles RA.
What scares me the most is will I have the same ending? Will I just be some blip on the radar that falls of in a few seconds? I hope that somehow I have made an impact on someone's life. I hope that somehow someone needed my help and I was there for them. Me being unaware of what I was actually doing for them. I have always wanted to help people I also just hope I never become a bitter old man.....
Wow the things on radio..
So today on the morning radio show they where talking about how superficial they are. People are sending their pictures in to the radio show for them to rate them. Then the radio show hosts are complaining on how superficial they are. AHHH.. I just think it is totally funny..
I am such a torturous person to myself. I could not sleep at all last night.. I watched the movie hitch while the roomate slept. I am sure I kept waking her ass up because that movie is awesome and funny. I think I am going to watch it again. The roomate has a pretty impressive DVD collection. So the movie watching is pretty close to never ending. I feel like I just moved in again and watching 2 movies a day.
Anyways back to why I torture myself. I could not sleep last night so I got up and put some lotion on.. It was the lotion that was left in the apartment. It brought back the good memories of laying in bed next to her. I wnet back out and started watching the history channel after the movie to go to sleep. I am the hardest critic on myself and I do alot of things to my ownself. I mean I admit it I hurt my ownself.. Because I stir up emotions that I need to surpress..
I am still beat this morning. Still recovering from bar tending and working all weekend long. My legs are still a little tired and my back is still sore. It is aharsh reality of having to work like that to make the bills. This is what makes me appreciate sitting at my desk. Listening to the radio and talking on the phone all morning long. Ohh well.. I am going to go for now.
I am such a torturous person to myself. I could not sleep at all last night.. I watched the movie hitch while the roomate slept. I am sure I kept waking her ass up because that movie is awesome and funny. I think I am going to watch it again. The roomate has a pretty impressive DVD collection. So the movie watching is pretty close to never ending. I feel like I just moved in again and watching 2 movies a day.
Anyways back to why I torture myself. I could not sleep last night so I got up and put some lotion on.. It was the lotion that was left in the apartment. It brought back the good memories of laying in bed next to her. I wnet back out and started watching the history channel after the movie to go to sleep. I am the hardest critic on myself and I do alot of things to my ownself. I mean I admit it I hurt my ownself.. Because I stir up emotions that I need to surpress..
I am still beat this morning. Still recovering from bar tending and working all weekend long. My legs are still a little tired and my back is still sore. It is aharsh reality of having to work like that to make the bills. This is what makes me appreciate sitting at my desk. Listening to the radio and talking on the phone all morning long. Ohh well.. I am going to go for now.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Once more
What I would not give to touch that soft skin again.. Running my hand down her back. Feeling the small of her back. Looking deep into her eyes... Running my hand threw her hair.. Yumm...
That is all I can say.
I think I got more pleasure doing that then anything else... Well besides her rubbing my ear............. Ahhh why do I torute myself like that?
GIVE UP YOU IDIOT....
There is nothing there for you..
She does not want anything to do with you..
Sometimes I wish I could turn my heart off...
That is all I can say.
I think I got more pleasure doing that then anything else... Well besides her rubbing my ear............. Ahhh why do I torute myself like that?
GIVE UP YOU IDIOT....
There is nothing there for you..
She does not want anything to do with you..
Sometimes I wish I could turn my heart off...
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Sleepless night...
I gothome from work not to long ago and I cannot sleep.. They fired a batender at work and asked me to step on and work. So I worked as a bartender for tonight and I am going to work as one Sun night on Fathers day.. It is sort of exciting. I wish I had her to come home to for some reason. I have not heard from her in a month now. Not even a phone call. No email.. I am just giving her what I think she wants. Ir still hurts but I have to deal with it. She must have moved on... I wish it where that easy for me. I fell hard for her. I miss what we had together and what we accomplished together. Maybe I am just rambling because my roomate has someone and I do not.. I do not know..
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Phone...
So I broke down and got a hardlined phone..
Trish wanted it more than me but it is all good..
Since I have lived on my own I have never had a telephone in my name in the place where I lived. I always felt when I felt at home and comfortable I will get one. When I knew I would not be leaving my residence.. In other words when I had my own place.
The place that I called my own.. Where when I painted the walls I did not have to worry about repainting them. The place where I could have hardwood floors and ultra shiek tiled floors with very ornate designs. I went to Expo design center the other day to kill some time.. I saw so many things that I want to call my own in my house.. I cannot wait. I looked at some condos right down the road from where I live right now. They are nothing special but it would be a place that would be my own and I could fix things to make them more modern. Updating the kitchen and bathroom. I want a free standing sink with an elevated bowl sink. That shit was awesome.
Well my wants are for sure more than my needs but hell. We all have goals in our life. I am thinking about things to do for this summer. I really want to go back to Portland and do that hike.
I am for sure going to be doing some weekend traveling. I used to do that more often when I worked for my old company and did not have as many bills as I do now.. When I was in Portalnd and talking to my grandmother she said she is glad to see me getting out again and traveling. I used to be gone all weekends because I did not have Chilis I only had FedEx and spinning when I wanted to.
Ahh who knows what is going to happen this summer. What happens...... happens. I am just glad that I have what I have right now.. I have a good job that pays great.. a semi decent place that I can start to call home.. A roomate that is cool to hang around and her friends and cough... cough... Boyfriend is also cool.. Although she claims and deny's his status...
It is really weird sometimes.. yeah you never know what you lost until it is gone.. But I guess to make yourself feel better you tell yourself to look at all the things that you do have. So as though I might has lost something that I hoped would be in my life with me.. I have realized that she has helped me.. I think about it everyday.. It does not eat me up as much as it used to...
It is funny I have two plants and two fish and a frog. They kind of are here in her place.. hahaha kind of funny but heck I would not have them if she did not want them. One of the fish died the other week.. Right before I left for Portland. The other two fish would not let it eat. I just got done cleaning the tank right before I sat down here to put down these thoughts. The plants had taken over the tank because I just kind of put that on the back burner.. I am just taking care of the tank.. and the fish..
It is funny people that have come into my life lately have been leaving me little departing gifts.. I think it is funny. Liam left half of his belongings here. I am just storing them until whenever. I have them sitting next to my bed in my room. Just collecting dust. I am cleaning house today though so I am moving and shuffling things around, trying to find a plcae for them.
So I wonder.. what has been left in your life lately? I mean what impressions or possesions have people left when they come in and leave.
There are some many things that I cannot wait to see in my life. I write really random shit. Butit does not matterit is not like I have a reading public or anything. I used to keep a written journal that I would do at night. but then well shit BB showed me an online journal and since I can type faster than I can write anything I started doing this. but then I decided that I would get my own when we started having problems when we moved down here. I had to have someplace to put down the shit that I was feeling since I did not really have anyone else to talk to. Started this.. Then started to talk to K. She helped me out. So anyways I need to get ready for work now. Gotta gomake that money.. Not much longer and I will e able to leave that job. Not like it is bad or anything. just tired of working so much. I need to start enjoying my money that I work ard for. I am almost to that point... Like my mother told me delayed gratification...
Trish wanted it more than me but it is all good..
Since I have lived on my own I have never had a telephone in my name in the place where I lived. I always felt when I felt at home and comfortable I will get one. When I knew I would not be leaving my residence.. In other words when I had my own place.
The place that I called my own.. Where when I painted the walls I did not have to worry about repainting them. The place where I could have hardwood floors and ultra shiek tiled floors with very ornate designs. I went to Expo design center the other day to kill some time.. I saw so many things that I want to call my own in my house.. I cannot wait. I looked at some condos right down the road from where I live right now. They are nothing special but it would be a place that would be my own and I could fix things to make them more modern. Updating the kitchen and bathroom. I want a free standing sink with an elevated bowl sink. That shit was awesome.
Well my wants are for sure more than my needs but hell. We all have goals in our life. I am thinking about things to do for this summer. I really want to go back to Portland and do that hike.
I am for sure going to be doing some weekend traveling. I used to do that more often when I worked for my old company and did not have as many bills as I do now.. When I was in Portalnd and talking to my grandmother she said she is glad to see me getting out again and traveling. I used to be gone all weekends because I did not have Chilis I only had FedEx and spinning when I wanted to.
Ahh who knows what is going to happen this summer. What happens...... happens. I am just glad that I have what I have right now.. I have a good job that pays great.. a semi decent place that I can start to call home.. A roomate that is cool to hang around and her friends and cough... cough... Boyfriend is also cool.. Although she claims and deny's his status...
It is really weird sometimes.. yeah you never know what you lost until it is gone.. But I guess to make yourself feel better you tell yourself to look at all the things that you do have. So as though I might has lost something that I hoped would be in my life with me.. I have realized that she has helped me.. I think about it everyday.. It does not eat me up as much as it used to...
It is funny I have two plants and two fish and a frog. They kind of are here in her place.. hahaha kind of funny but heck I would not have them if she did not want them. One of the fish died the other week.. Right before I left for Portland. The other two fish would not let it eat. I just got done cleaning the tank right before I sat down here to put down these thoughts. The plants had taken over the tank because I just kind of put that on the back burner.. I am just taking care of the tank.. and the fish..
It is funny people that have come into my life lately have been leaving me little departing gifts.. I think it is funny. Liam left half of his belongings here. I am just storing them until whenever. I have them sitting next to my bed in my room. Just collecting dust. I am cleaning house today though so I am moving and shuffling things around, trying to find a plcae for them.
So I wonder.. what has been left in your life lately? I mean what impressions or possesions have people left when they come in and leave.
There are some many things that I cannot wait to see in my life. I write really random shit. Butit does not matterit is not like I have a reading public or anything. I used to keep a written journal that I would do at night. but then well shit BB showed me an online journal and since I can type faster than I can write anything I started doing this. but then I decided that I would get my own when we started having problems when we moved down here. I had to have someplace to put down the shit that I was feeling since I did not really have anyone else to talk to. Started this.. Then started to talk to K. She helped me out. So anyways I need to get ready for work now. Gotta gomake that money.. Not much longer and I will e able to leave that job. Not like it is bad or anything. just tired of working so much. I need to start enjoying my money that I work ard for. I am almost to that point... Like my mother told me delayed gratification...
Friday, June 17, 2005
Beautiful Blue Skies
Today's skies are absolutely fantastic....
I pulled all of my blinds in my office open just to be able to sit and stare out the windows...
They are advertising a place to eat on the radio that I really like..
It is called cowtippers but it is a queer hangout..
The first time I went there me BB where jsut driving around one of our first nights in ATL looking for a place to eat.. We came across this place because they where one of the only places that was still open. We sat on the patio and had the best service I have ever had here in ATL. I tipped the dude like fifeteen dollars on a fifty tab. It was a good experience though.
So today is Friday.. The weekend is coming upon us and what do I have planned? HAHAHA nothing... No big plans and nothing really going on. I will most likely work some this weekend at my weekend job come home and have a few drinks. But for the most part I plan on just vegetating this weekend. After last weekend packed with driving, seeing sights, not really sleeping and what not I plan to just really do nothing.
I go through these stages of where I pack soo much shit into small amount of days then I do nothing for a month. Then I cram like four days into one. I guess you can compare it to binge eating. I binge of activities then I become lethargic. I plan on going to the park this weekend as a part of my vegetation process though. Might play a little frisbee..
Last night I cam home and cooked some rice and shrimp and veggies and cream of corn.. yummy...
I have been making this shrimp lately that is saute'd in some special sauce that I made up and it is wonderful.. I got my food and sat on the couch while the roomate was getting all dolled up for osme new dude in her life. After she left I curled up n the couch with my food and watched Lost in Space on the ABC Family Channel. I had wanted to see that movie for a while but never stepped to the plate and went out and got it. It was ok.
I made my own movie night with myself last night.
I fell asleep around ohhhhhh... 9PM. how lame is that?
I supposeI should not complain.... I like my life.. sort of..
I just wish I could find someone that wants to come home to each other.. That has no problem with being doted on... That likes attention and has something for an idea about a future. Not that I am Mr. Planner or anything but there are some goals in my life that I would like to reach before I turn fifty. I just do not want to be a Senior Citizen putting a kid through college and what not..
If I am even able to have children. Well I would find a way, even if I had to go jack off in some cup or something.
Maybe I should be come a sperm donor and start using that money for a savings account, or even sell my blood plasma... There are a while lots of oppurtunities out there to make some extra cash.. Shit if I was a sperm donor I could get to watch porn for free.... hahahahahahahah Like I am a big porn freak.. got ya..
When I was in Portland I had a light bulb moment. I realized how superficial things are here in ATL. People here are the most image concerned people I have ever met. Everyone has to have the nicest car or the best house here. That is why the Real Estate market here is so outrageous. This is THE place to be seen. Just listening to the radio here just amde me think about it. People here try hard to live the life... They try not to let people really see who they are. The reason I noticed this is when I was in Portland people's attitude about everything was way different. Sure there where people there that are superficial, but for the most part they are grounded there.
They care more about the enviroment that surrounds them. When I was driving down the streets I hardly EVER saw a piece of garbage anywhere. INCLUDING cigarette butts. Hell you drive anywhere down here and there are cigarette butts littering the streets everywhere.
Traffic was not bad at all, because they have such a great system for mass transit there. They people there do not care so much about how they appear to people. This was evident when I first met Samantha back in high school.
When I met her she was different and so was her family. She packed her lunch and she always had the neatest and most different things in her lunch. Things that I had never even heard about. Orgainc foods and vegetables. Then I went over to her house and met the family and They lived differently then anyone else I had knew. When I first met them I thought they where a little weird. But it is something that really did attract me more to her. She was a different type of person as well. So after going up to Portland a few times I noticed why they where different. It is becuase the people there are different all of them not just a few. They have a stronger bond with nature than most places I have been. It is evidnet everywhere you go there. From the sidewalks with water fountains that run water 24/7 to the recycling bin on every corner. They have more health food stores and organic food stores in the Portland city area alone than the whoel state of Georgia.
Not like I am a big health food nut or a big baturalists or anything but I think it all ties together. The place to be seen and the place to eat here and there in ATL are more prevelant than Nashville or Portland. People there do not fall so much into the popularity contest as they do here. Everytime I turn around here there is an advertisement for some type of cosmetic enhancement on billboards and radio. Literally bombbarded with the advertisements and I did not notice it until it was taken away.
Be happy with oneself. I mean everyone is beautiful. What makes you think that one thing is more beautiful and who are you going to let tell you that something is more attractive than something else. Why try to conform with a society that puts so much pressure on being perfect looking... WHAT IS PERFECT? Who defines that in our society? Some dude sitting behind a desk stating that with this configuration of the body is the most appealing? Maybe to him... but not to everyone. Yeah Yeah everyone has their own tastes likes and dislikes..
But I just noticed and thought that the city of ATL is like a big High School. Everyone is pushing ans shoving trying to be "THE" known person. The funny fact of the matter is that I never played that game in high school. I always hung out with everyone. I had the most diverse group of aquaintants in the world. I only held three people really close in the friendship status.
Matt, Paula, Sam...
That is how I have always been and those three people are the ones that have been there for me through think and thin. I have been there for them just the same through thick and thin.
Well I will get more into this in a couple of days when my thoughts come to c aloser head then they are now. It is time for me to finish things up here around work and head out of here by 5pm.
So how vain or superficial are the people where you are at?
I pulled all of my blinds in my office open just to be able to sit and stare out the windows...
They are advertising a place to eat on the radio that I really like..
It is called cowtippers but it is a queer hangout..
The first time I went there me BB where jsut driving around one of our first nights in ATL looking for a place to eat.. We came across this place because they where one of the only places that was still open. We sat on the patio and had the best service I have ever had here in ATL. I tipped the dude like fifeteen dollars on a fifty tab. It was a good experience though.
So today is Friday.. The weekend is coming upon us and what do I have planned? HAHAHA nothing... No big plans and nothing really going on. I will most likely work some this weekend at my weekend job come home and have a few drinks. But for the most part I plan on just vegetating this weekend. After last weekend packed with driving, seeing sights, not really sleeping and what not I plan to just really do nothing.
I go through these stages of where I pack soo much shit into small amount of days then I do nothing for a month. Then I cram like four days into one. I guess you can compare it to binge eating. I binge of activities then I become lethargic. I plan on going to the park this weekend as a part of my vegetation process though. Might play a little frisbee..
Last night I cam home and cooked some rice and shrimp and veggies and cream of corn.. yummy...
I have been making this shrimp lately that is saute'd in some special sauce that I made up and it is wonderful.. I got my food and sat on the couch while the roomate was getting all dolled up for osme new dude in her life. After she left I curled up n the couch with my food and watched Lost in Space on the ABC Family Channel. I had wanted to see that movie for a while but never stepped to the plate and went out and got it. It was ok.
I made my own movie night with myself last night.
I fell asleep around ohhhhhh... 9PM. how lame is that?
I supposeI should not complain.... I like my life.. sort of..
I just wish I could find someone that wants to come home to each other.. That has no problem with being doted on... That likes attention and has something for an idea about a future. Not that I am Mr. Planner or anything but there are some goals in my life that I would like to reach before I turn fifty. I just do not want to be a Senior Citizen putting a kid through college and what not..
If I am even able to have children. Well I would find a way, even if I had to go jack off in some cup or something.
Maybe I should be come a sperm donor and start using that money for a savings account, or even sell my blood plasma... There are a while lots of oppurtunities out there to make some extra cash.. Shit if I was a sperm donor I could get to watch porn for free.... hahahahahahahah Like I am a big porn freak.. got ya..
When I was in Portland I had a light bulb moment. I realized how superficial things are here in ATL. People here are the most image concerned people I have ever met. Everyone has to have the nicest car or the best house here. That is why the Real Estate market here is so outrageous. This is THE place to be seen. Just listening to the radio here just amde me think about it. People here try hard to live the life... They try not to let people really see who they are. The reason I noticed this is when I was in Portland people's attitude about everything was way different. Sure there where people there that are superficial, but for the most part they are grounded there.
They care more about the enviroment that surrounds them. When I was driving down the streets I hardly EVER saw a piece of garbage anywhere. INCLUDING cigarette butts. Hell you drive anywhere down here and there are cigarette butts littering the streets everywhere.
Traffic was not bad at all, because they have such a great system for mass transit there. They people there do not care so much about how they appear to people. This was evident when I first met Samantha back in high school.
When I met her she was different and so was her family. She packed her lunch and she always had the neatest and most different things in her lunch. Things that I had never even heard about. Orgainc foods and vegetables. Then I went over to her house and met the family and They lived differently then anyone else I had knew. When I first met them I thought they where a little weird. But it is something that really did attract me more to her. She was a different type of person as well. So after going up to Portland a few times I noticed why they where different. It is becuase the people there are different all of them not just a few. They have a stronger bond with nature than most places I have been. It is evidnet everywhere you go there. From the sidewalks with water fountains that run water 24/7 to the recycling bin on every corner. They have more health food stores and organic food stores in the Portland city area alone than the whoel state of Georgia.
Not like I am a big health food nut or a big baturalists or anything but I think it all ties together. The place to be seen and the place to eat here and there in ATL are more prevelant than Nashville or Portland. People there do not fall so much into the popularity contest as they do here. Everytime I turn around here there is an advertisement for some type of cosmetic enhancement on billboards and radio. Literally bombbarded with the advertisements and I did not notice it until it was taken away.
Be happy with oneself. I mean everyone is beautiful. What makes you think that one thing is more beautiful and who are you going to let tell you that something is more attractive than something else. Why try to conform with a society that puts so much pressure on being perfect looking... WHAT IS PERFECT? Who defines that in our society? Some dude sitting behind a desk stating that with this configuration of the body is the most appealing? Maybe to him... but not to everyone. Yeah Yeah everyone has their own tastes likes and dislikes..
But I just noticed and thought that the city of ATL is like a big High School. Everyone is pushing ans shoving trying to be "THE" known person. The funny fact of the matter is that I never played that game in high school. I always hung out with everyone. I had the most diverse group of aquaintants in the world. I only held three people really close in the friendship status.
Matt, Paula, Sam...
That is how I have always been and those three people are the ones that have been there for me through think and thin. I have been there for them just the same through thick and thin.
Well I will get more into this in a couple of days when my thoughts come to c aloser head then they are now. It is time for me to finish things up here around work and head out of here by 5pm.
So how vain or superficial are the people where you are at?
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Stressed
So today I decided to come in eeaaaaaaaaaaaaaarly..
Boy am I glad that I did... Let me tell you.. I walked into a shit storm..
Work being hectic and I saved myself some heartache this morning by getting some of the people to do what I needed of them..
I could not sleep to well last night..
I still have not been able to migrate into the bedroom..
I get bothered alot more from people coming and going through the apartment but..
It is just that bed stands for something I do not have anymore..
People ask me why I choose the couch..
That bed signifies everything that I had.... and lost...
I got that bed for us...
Becasue the full size bed that I had was a little to small for us..
When my mother was looking for a couch to get hers and I wanted a couch my mother saw a mattress and bought it.. I conned her out of letting go of that mattress and brought it over to our apartment..
Even the couch was ugly in her opinion but I loved it.. Because it is the first peice of NICE furniture that I have bought.
Cost me half of my months salary but I love it still..
Nothing goes with it at all...
But I do hold to it..
So anyways that bed has had it share of a lot of memories..
lots of tears shed.. lots of sleepless nights..
When I moved into the place I am in now I let her use it until the very last minute so that she would have a place to sleep on,..
I just wanted to make sure that she was comfortable...
Everyone that sits on it is in awe that it is a comfortable bed yet I choose the couch still..
Well it is like the bed is still apart of her..
I actually still smells like the lavender massage oil.. and the lotion she used to use..
But heck it is nothing big just a year and a half or so of my life...
Lots of changes and new things have been experienced in that bed..
One day I will get over it..
But I am still healing..
slowly and surely I will be able to trust and love someone again..
I can remember when Sam and I split..
It took me 1 year and some months.. and then..
One night out I run into a co-worker..
December 17th..
I had thought she was cute and VERY attractive the whole time working with her...
But BB walked right into my life..
Her eyes just got me front the very first time I looked into them..
We went through some hard times but I believed in her..
As I still do..
I know she will be great.. at whatever she does..
Sometimes though she puts herself down soo far under the table she cannot pull herself out from under it..
I just wish she saw what I do in her..
But only she can realize that...
From time to time I look at the pictures and the book that she made me.. I keep in it my underwear drawer.. Funny enough..
I know what heart she has..
I just feel bad because I made it hard to express her heart to me..
What she wants and feels...
But I know in mine that I tried with everything I could to show her I care and want her to follow her dreams..
I know now that I am in no way going to hinder her dreams or hold her back from doing the things she wants to do..
Still hurts but it is what she wants and thinks is the best right now..
Well.. Time has flown by..
I am in dire need of wrapping things up..
soo I must jet on and get shit done so I can go home and get me some dinner..
Pressing on
Boy am I glad that I did... Let me tell you.. I walked into a shit storm..
Work being hectic and I saved myself some heartache this morning by getting some of the people to do what I needed of them..
I could not sleep to well last night..
I still have not been able to migrate into the bedroom..
I get bothered alot more from people coming and going through the apartment but..
It is just that bed stands for something I do not have anymore..
People ask me why I choose the couch..
That bed signifies everything that I had.... and lost...
I got that bed for us...
Becasue the full size bed that I had was a little to small for us..
When my mother was looking for a couch to get hers and I wanted a couch my mother saw a mattress and bought it.. I conned her out of letting go of that mattress and brought it over to our apartment..
Even the couch was ugly in her opinion but I loved it.. Because it is the first peice of NICE furniture that I have bought.
Cost me half of my months salary but I love it still..
Nothing goes with it at all...
But I do hold to it..
So anyways that bed has had it share of a lot of memories..
lots of tears shed.. lots of sleepless nights..
When I moved into the place I am in now I let her use it until the very last minute so that she would have a place to sleep on,..
I just wanted to make sure that she was comfortable...
Everyone that sits on it is in awe that it is a comfortable bed yet I choose the couch still..
Well it is like the bed is still apart of her..
I actually still smells like the lavender massage oil.. and the lotion she used to use..
But heck it is nothing big just a year and a half or so of my life...
Lots of changes and new things have been experienced in that bed..
One day I will get over it..
But I am still healing..
slowly and surely I will be able to trust and love someone again..
I can remember when Sam and I split..
It took me 1 year and some months.. and then..
One night out I run into a co-worker..
December 17th..
I had thought she was cute and VERY attractive the whole time working with her...
But BB walked right into my life..
Her eyes just got me front the very first time I looked into them..
We went through some hard times but I believed in her..
As I still do..
I know she will be great.. at whatever she does..
Sometimes though she puts herself down soo far under the table she cannot pull herself out from under it..
I just wish she saw what I do in her..
But only she can realize that...
From time to time I look at the pictures and the book that she made me.. I keep in it my underwear drawer.. Funny enough..
I know what heart she has..
I just feel bad because I made it hard to express her heart to me..
What she wants and feels...
But I know in mine that I tried with everything I could to show her I care and want her to follow her dreams..
I know now that I am in no way going to hinder her dreams or hold her back from doing the things she wants to do..
Still hurts but it is what she wants and thinks is the best right now..
Well.. Time has flown by..
I am in dire need of wrapping things up..
soo I must jet on and get shit done so I can go home and get me some dinner..
Pressing on
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Goal..
I have been thinking.. I wanna be the first at something.. There has already been a person to qualify for the Olympics with a insulin pump.. I wanna find out some things and I wanna be first at doing something with an insulin pump.. Like climba mountain or something..
Like Rainer..
Everest is overated...
I will find something and I am going to be first at it..
I am going to take Diabetes in stride...
I will not let it control me.. I will lead the way for it to fall in my life and just be a part of me..
Like Rainer..
Everest is overated...
I will find something and I am going to be first at it..
I am going to take Diabetes in stride...
I will not let it control me.. I will lead the way for it to fall in my life and just be a part of me..
Hungry hungry..
So I sit here in my office while everyone and there crother goes out to eat everyday.. Humm must be nice to be above the minion level.. At least when I worked nights I did not ever see them going out to eat..
Not bitter just bored..
I have been blog browsing alot lately.. Strictly out of boredom and I really do not want to do anyhting else...
I love it when I get deliveries here.. I live for UPS and FED Ex to stop by now..
How lame..
Last night I went home and unpacked and did laundry.. I watched the usual history Channel and the National Geographic.. It was kind of sad because I had already seen the stuff that they where showing. I drifted off to sleep around the 10:30 mark..
I was sort of looking forward to today because we had the people from UPS and corporate coming down to retrofit our handelds. But as I sit here now and they are out to lunch I should have figured not to look forward to anything except them going to lunch..
So with thte office being quite right now and I am sitting here I contemplate my thoughts about my life..
A. I care alot about people that do not care about me...
B. I am very hard on myself for failures in my life..
C. I do not want to grow old... alone.......
D. Decided that I am giving up spending so much money all the time.. I am going to be more frugal... Geeze I have said that before..
Well I mean it is just thoughts that go on in my head.. I just really want the simple life....
Nothing to extraordinary.. or extravagant.. Just the dog and house... Right now that is..
I feel and think that if I get my own place that I could do whatever I wanted to with I would be better off.. I would be in better spirits... I could do what I wanted to the house and not worry about crap...
So I talked to P last night about "things".. She likes to call me and tell me her stories of her love life.. I think it is funny.. Not literally funny.. but stories that you would hear in magazines or I dunno it is hard to explain.. These are stories that she gives all the pleasure and recieves nothing in return... One sided stuff.. Which if you where a guy she would be a catch.. Yeah yeah me being a guy why do I not jump at it?.. Becuase she is like a sister to me.. She has supported me through a lot of crap.. When I needed someone to talk to about anything through my life she was there.. We all know someone who is like that..
I have no major plans for the rest of the week or weekend for that matter.. I need to start making some though.. I will be going the most frugal route possible since I apparently have no more more to blow..
Oh well..
At times I sit and think of what I had just a few months ago...
I wonder what I could have done differently..
Then I sit and realize..
Nothing..
I tried to help and do things.. I helped her and tried to show that I was there for her..
I guess I tried in the wrong way..
But whatever makes her happy that is all I care about..
As long as she is happy and content with her life that is cool..
She should have known what she had with me..
Anyways I guess I need to go an deat lunch.. It would not be a good thing for me to miss..
Not bitter just bored..
I have been blog browsing alot lately.. Strictly out of boredom and I really do not want to do anyhting else...
I love it when I get deliveries here.. I live for UPS and FED Ex to stop by now..
How lame..
Last night I went home and unpacked and did laundry.. I watched the usual history Channel and the National Geographic.. It was kind of sad because I had already seen the stuff that they where showing. I drifted off to sleep around the 10:30 mark..
I was sort of looking forward to today because we had the people from UPS and corporate coming down to retrofit our handelds. But as I sit here now and they are out to lunch I should have figured not to look forward to anything except them going to lunch..
So with thte office being quite right now and I am sitting here I contemplate my thoughts about my life..
A. I care alot about people that do not care about me...
B. I am very hard on myself for failures in my life..
C. I do not want to grow old... alone.......
D. Decided that I am giving up spending so much money all the time.. I am going to be more frugal... Geeze I have said that before..
Well I mean it is just thoughts that go on in my head.. I just really want the simple life....
Nothing to extraordinary.. or extravagant.. Just the dog and house... Right now that is..
I feel and think that if I get my own place that I could do whatever I wanted to with I would be better off.. I would be in better spirits... I could do what I wanted to the house and not worry about crap...
So I talked to P last night about "things".. She likes to call me and tell me her stories of her love life.. I think it is funny.. Not literally funny.. but stories that you would hear in magazines or I dunno it is hard to explain.. These are stories that she gives all the pleasure and recieves nothing in return... One sided stuff.. Which if you where a guy she would be a catch.. Yeah yeah me being a guy why do I not jump at it?.. Becuase she is like a sister to me.. She has supported me through a lot of crap.. When I needed someone to talk to about anything through my life she was there.. We all know someone who is like that..
I have no major plans for the rest of the week or weekend for that matter.. I need to start making some though.. I will be going the most frugal route possible since I apparently have no more more to blow..
Oh well..
At times I sit and think of what I had just a few months ago...
I wonder what I could have done differently..
Then I sit and realize..
Nothing..
I tried to help and do things.. I helped her and tried to show that I was there for her..
I guess I tried in the wrong way..
But whatever makes her happy that is all I care about..
As long as she is happy and content with her life that is cool..
She should have known what she had with me..
Anyways I guess I need to go an deat lunch.. It would not be a good thing for me to miss..
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
What an adventure..
I can say with all honesty that I had the time of my life even though I blew alot of money for really nothing at all..
I had not a single plan for the trip except my car and plane ticket...
I had thought about taking my tent and hiking gear just "IN CASE" I decided to get out and just hike. I regret not packing more lightly like I was going camping. I was at graduation for all of a couple of hours and then at the party for a few hours. I would have much rather had went up to the summit of Hood for the first time. It is ok I am planning an excursion shortly before peak ski season up there. This time I am getting the H3 hummer instead of the trailblazer. I will go all out.. Even if gas there is $2.30 a gallon in some places.
I drove 700 miles in three days.. pretty pathetic for me.. Well I did not include the trip time from ATL to Nashville. with those miles I drove well over a 1,000 miles. I posted all the pics that I have developed so far from the excursion I still have a roll or two that I hae to take in. But I still have pics to take.
So going someplace by oneself is a real test. I did not have anyone to share anything with but I enjoyed the silence that I had on my trip.. I enjoyed just driving and not really having a worry in the world.. I shopped by myself and ate almost every meal by myself. I tested airport security...
Here is what I do not get..
I had vials and needles in my bag.. My carry on none the less... No one even stopped me.. That kind of scares me because inside that vial could have been anything, with the needles I could have taken oven the plane with something that was never checked. They did not even blink an eye at any of my supplies.. That kind of worried me a little.. I was prepared to show them my documentation.. They where more worried about the butane lighters than the person carrying needles and vials of some unknown medicine. Ohh well that is the security for ya..
I tested it numerous times and never once got stopped or even asked what that stuff was..
I have been shopping online for the needed supplies to take that hike..
I have figured that I need some good gaitors, a new tent (cause I can justify it now), and new pack ( another justification), and some hiking poles, with an ice axe. Not to much gear.. I am trying to keep the trip under a grand total.. We shall see.. Who knows I might not even get to do it in such a short notice.. Not with the hours lacking here at work.. I am not putting in the normal 55 hours plus a week.. I am looking sort of hard to find another job... I mean things here would be great without empty promises and the typical small office politics..
I always have the bum option to fall back on. I could just be a bum and live on the streets. My life would be short and have a painful ending but heck, less stress.. I would be in survival mode.. only worrying about sleeping and eating..
So this trip has lifted my spirits and let me know that it is ok to be alone.. I accept that I cannot make someone happy.. They have to be happy with themselves before they can be happy with someone else.. I accept the fact that I am a failure at many things in my life.. Waking up to the summit of hood was awesome. It was a last minute idea.. OF COURSE but when I woke up there alone and everything was peaceful I walked around and thought. I thought about all the people that have come and gone in my life like people have come and gone where I was standing.. I thought about what was to come as well..
I can only hope and wish that I will be as happy as I want to be.. I now I will be.. Even if it means that I am alone my life.. I will always live for me from now on.. I will help myself before I help someone else..
It is all good..
MY trip was great and I had the pleasure to sit next to the some politician on the way back to Nashville that wanted to give me a job and advice.. I willl post more pics when I get them back..
I will press on..
I had not a single plan for the trip except my car and plane ticket...
I had thought about taking my tent and hiking gear just "IN CASE" I decided to get out and just hike. I regret not packing more lightly like I was going camping. I was at graduation for all of a couple of hours and then at the party for a few hours. I would have much rather had went up to the summit of Hood for the first time. It is ok I am planning an excursion shortly before peak ski season up there. This time I am getting the H3 hummer instead of the trailblazer. I will go all out.. Even if gas there is $2.30 a gallon in some places.
I drove 700 miles in three days.. pretty pathetic for me.. Well I did not include the trip time from ATL to Nashville. with those miles I drove well over a 1,000 miles. I posted all the pics that I have developed so far from the excursion I still have a roll or two that I hae to take in. But I still have pics to take.
So going someplace by oneself is a real test. I did not have anyone to share anything with but I enjoyed the silence that I had on my trip.. I enjoyed just driving and not really having a worry in the world.. I shopped by myself and ate almost every meal by myself. I tested airport security...
Here is what I do not get..
I had vials and needles in my bag.. My carry on none the less... No one even stopped me.. That kind of scares me because inside that vial could have been anything, with the needles I could have taken oven the plane with something that was never checked. They did not even blink an eye at any of my supplies.. That kind of worried me a little.. I was prepared to show them my documentation.. They where more worried about the butane lighters than the person carrying needles and vials of some unknown medicine. Ohh well that is the security for ya..
I tested it numerous times and never once got stopped or even asked what that stuff was..
I have been shopping online for the needed supplies to take that hike..
I have figured that I need some good gaitors, a new tent (cause I can justify it now), and new pack ( another justification), and some hiking poles, with an ice axe. Not to much gear.. I am trying to keep the trip under a grand total.. We shall see.. Who knows I might not even get to do it in such a short notice.. Not with the hours lacking here at work.. I am not putting in the normal 55 hours plus a week.. I am looking sort of hard to find another job... I mean things here would be great without empty promises and the typical small office politics..
I always have the bum option to fall back on. I could just be a bum and live on the streets. My life would be short and have a painful ending but heck, less stress.. I would be in survival mode.. only worrying about sleeping and eating..
So this trip has lifted my spirits and let me know that it is ok to be alone.. I accept that I cannot make someone happy.. They have to be happy with themselves before they can be happy with someone else.. I accept the fact that I am a failure at many things in my life.. Waking up to the summit of hood was awesome. It was a last minute idea.. OF COURSE but when I woke up there alone and everything was peaceful I walked around and thought. I thought about all the people that have come and gone in my life like people have come and gone where I was standing.. I thought about what was to come as well..
I can only hope and wish that I will be as happy as I want to be.. I now I will be.. Even if it means that I am alone my life.. I will always live for me from now on.. I will help myself before I help someone else..
It is all good..
MY trip was great and I had the pleasure to sit next to the some politician on the way back to Nashville that wanted to give me a job and advice.. I willl post more pics when I get them back..
I will press on..
Monday, June 13, 2005
Refreshed?
Well back in town from my gaunt across the country.
The only things that where set in stone about this trip where the rental car, and the flight.
Other than that I just went to play around. I spent 99% of my time by myself just driving places shopping a little and seeing the important sights.
Then the only place I had to be was at the graduation ceremony on Sat.
I will fill the details about the trip later I am exhausted though because I flew out of Nashville and back there as well.
I will post the other roll of film I have as well when I pick the pics up today.
I just wish I had someone to share the trip with.
The only things that where set in stone about this trip where the rental car, and the flight.
Other than that I just went to play around. I spent 99% of my time by myself just driving places shopping a little and seeing the important sights.
Then the only place I had to be was at the graduation ceremony on Sat.
I will fill the details about the trip later I am exhausted though because I flew out of Nashville and back there as well.
I will post the other roll of film I have as well when I pick the pics up today.
I just wish I had someone to share the trip with.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
