HA..

BTW some of the eys on my eyboard do not wor all the sudden......
Oh well guessI got to go get a new one..
July 28th..
BB's B-day.. I remeber last year when I scraped together the dough to go get her a rose and her favorite Ice Cream.. We had lived here almost a year.. not long at all..
Sucj a difference from last year..
I hope she has a blast and has a happy birthday.. She deserves it.. I hope all is well i her life and that she is happy..
I shopped at IEA tonight..
Bought some more trac lighting.. hummm people are going to start to wonder about me and tra lighting...
Whatever they already wonder about me..
Well I am going to go to bed....
I have alot of catching up to do..
Have to get a eyboard first...

I am moving..

I think I am going to pack my shit up and move around atlanta VERY soon.. I think I will move inside the perimetor or someplace neat. Since I am fairly sinlge and have nothing else going on I would like to move closer to my doctor. Which is considered Buckhead area. maybe the Lawrencevile.. I started looking at apartments but this one just has to many memories and I am heartbroken most of the time I come home. I glad that work is my relationship right now.. I started my search today at work.. We shall see what turns out...

What a wonderful day..

So I have gotten away from posting on a regular good schedule.. I will be getting back to somewhat of a schedule soon.. I have been forced to get a laptop due to the fact that my insulin pump that I will be getting needs one to connect to. It does not need to be a laptop but some sort of computer. Consider that I have two sitting in my closest I am just going to buy a new one due to the fact that I do not want to spend the time getting those back up and running..Bills bills and more bills.. getting a new computer will not be such a bad hing.the check ledger that I have been keeping has been eletronic anyways. Microsft excel format. The program that runs our country.. Excel.. Tracks everything and gives you a graph.. I have been putting my finances in a graph chart and it is depressing to see how much money I make and how much I actually have in my bank account.. Well I am off to bed because I have breakfast to go to at 6am and the fact that I am going back into Mohawk in the morning before I go to Chilis. We had a surprise audit yesterday in one of our facilities due to the fact tha they have lost $90g's worth of fucking carpet in less than six months. It baffles me how you can loose a 1,700 lb roll of carpet but leave it to ATL to do that. so we are fixing the fuck ups from this past week in the morning....
Obey out....

Time time time...

You know what my problem is?
I am addicted to work..
It is the only thing that has never really done me wrong.. It has always been there for me.. I can just run to work and not have to worry about anything else. Basically I do not have time for anything.. I am dedicated tomy job and I am not ready for anything else but a job.. Relationships take time and that is something that I do not have right now.. It is at a premium right now.. so whatever...
I have to go to sleep before I have to back to work at 4am...

Me playing with my software. 

Here is a super close up.. So yesterday I would have never guessed but I talked to BB.. First time in a long time. It was nice. I am glad to hear that she is still alive. She is moving out of her current place and moving back to where she lived by me. I still miss having her around. I mean wht is new right? The dog is back in TN. Her best friend is sick. She told me he had a stroke. Not a good thing to have. But we caught up on a lot of things. I was so glad to hear from her. She caught me while I was napping in the house. I had a headache all yesterday. It never went away until I went to sleep that night for good. Not much else has been going on except work. I will be getting a pretty nice paycheck this coming week though. I am excited about that. In the pictures you can tell my eyes are stressed out from my old contacts. My docotor told me not to go get my eyes checked until my blood sugar got under control. I finally got the shit straight so I finally went and got new contacts and well as you can see a pair of glasses.. Thanks MOM... For someon who has not been in my life alot when I was younger and not having a good relationship with me she is starting to come around. I think she has figured out that I am/was a good kid. She just never thought about it really hard I guess. I wanna go home soon as well because my whole family has new houses and I would like to see them. Plus I am due for a night out on the town back on my stomping grounds. P said that she might be coming down soon to visit. I thought about going and scoping out Vision a club downtown this weekend to start planning her trip down here but I am not sure yet. I would like to find someone to go with me seeing that I do not think it would be fun going by myself.. but heck I am pretty used to doing things on my own. I think I am almost ready to attempt the dating/relationship scene again... I am not to good at it though so of course I am scared of getting my ass stomped on again :( .. No one like to get hurt but I have figured that by now it is a fact of life. I just hope that I have never hurt anyoe in return.. I also got good news today from the insulin pump rep. They are getting me a loaner since my insurance company is being a douchebag about things and left the possibility for the claim to be denied. They said though after September 20th they could not deny the claim because I will be out of the pre-existing phase of my insurance. So I will be getting a pump next week sometime. Then I go through some training with the rep and a nurs to get things straight with the flow of isulin into my body and what not. There is light at the end of my tunnell. I am a little excited about things but I know not to get my hope up to much. Never count your chickens before they hatch.. I have REALLY learned that lesson. Well I hope to that some type of friendship will come from me and her. We talked in a pretty civil manner last night.. (Sorry for the jumping back and fourth), so I am optimistic about that. I hope that happiness is abundant in her life and that she loves everything she has worked so hard for.. Anyways I got to go to UPS to pickup a package. lates 

Muhahahhah This is a picture of my new glasses.. people seem to like them alot and say that I should wear them more often than my contacts... I am at work right now.. Go figure.. Like the rest of my life revolves around work..  

Overtime+

I have just completed a workweek from hell.. The days all ran together. I worked literally everyday and night for the whole week... Now with the weekend I have been doing the same.. What can I say except I am trying to stay above water... There is so much that has been on my mind lately but being it is kind of late I am just going to go to sleep.. I am so wore out...
I do not think Ihave ever worked this many hours in one week before in m life.. But heck what can you do? There is nothing else in my life right now.. Well night night..

HACKED

MY BLOG WAS HACKED
motherfuckers posting adds..
Ohh well I should have left the viagara one up.

OMG

I just worked from 11AM on Weds.. until now.. Umm yeah I have consumed myself in working due to the fact that what I had in my life is no longer there and I wan to escape from coming home to nothing...
This week from Mon to tues I have already worked 28.4 hours now with today I will have pulled like over fourty I am already in OT. If I keep this pace up I could break 50k this year..
Not like it matters I have nothing in my house but empty dreams..
This time last year I was eaking out an exsistance..
I was hoping to have a bought the ring for someone this time this year and planned out how to propose it..
It is so weird where I am at now.
I am no longer eaking by.. working as much as possible to make sure we could survive and not have the things taken away from us..
Now this year I am shopping alot and blowing money...
I ust got some awesome new glasses I promise I will document the picture soon..
DKNY frames.. I am not a label whore but these look awesome...

I wish that I did not fail her..
We actually texted each other the other day.. I was so surpised..
I hope all is well in her life..
I looked at getting a female shitzu the other day when I went to the pet store with the monster lizard..

Well my boss wants me back at work by noon or one today.. I have to get some sleep..
It is a good thing that I have not been sleeping well or right since she left..
I am getting rid of the bed soon as well..
I only got it for us...
It carries alot of memories..
I have talked about it before..

Well I am off to sleep and consume myself in work some more....
I am thinking about another trip across the country again or maybe a weekend trip to the beach soon.. I deserve a short break from all the hard work I have been doing..
I will try to post when I get in from my shift tomorrow morning...
I will be working like this again tonight..
Ohh well at least the cat has an automatic box and feeder and water..
I miss my dog saber...
Geeze I am just a pathetic lonely ass..
hahhahahahah
I am sure and I beilieve that all my hard work will pay off someday.... Patience is a virtue..
I am just soo afraid of growing old alone...
Me working has a side effect of not meeting people though.. It seems like a catch 22..
I am rambling now..
I got to go to sleep....
70 hou work week come on.. (said trucker style) 10-4 rogor

....

It is kind of hard to post and write down what you are thinking when you are working 18 hours a day. Only news is Monday I got glasses because my eye has funkygitis.. They are cool glasses.. I will take a pic and post it soon.. I have not been shaving under my lip either soo I have glasses and some facial hair. I can waer my contacts again in a few days.. but the glasses are pretty nifty.. It is getting really hard to work so much.. I need a break already.. I have not had a true day off in about 5 weeks.. But heck what can you say but thanks SUNTRUST.. and STATE FARM INSURANCE DOOOOOCHEBAGS....
I will come back soon.. I will be working until 6am again...
Hours sucks but money is good. I have already put in 40 hours this week by the end of the day..

Ok...

So this post is probaly going to be a long one I have alot to cover and have been thinking about alot.

The pictures that are below this post are a few things that have been going on lately.. I was sitting in my office and that lizard of a thing.. AKA A Savannah monitor walked right by my window.. I did not see it at first but when I walked outside I was astonished to see this monster of a lizard. I promptly decided to catch it. Once I chased that damn thing all across the parking lot I finally caught it into a box. I put it in the shade and continued to work inside. I left work early to take it a a pets store. After the lady handling got bit I choose to leave the son of a bitch I named MO there.. After seeing the blood coming from her hand I thoughtit would be best to do that. So that explains that picture of the lizard.. Pretty interesting not everyday you see a lizard walking outside your door...

So the word from my grandmother is that there are no more blockages in her heart.. The original test proved to have a false positvie for blockages on the back side of her heart. So that is good news..

The cat and I are loving the quiteness of the house.. Yet again an empty place that I sleep in. It seems so odd when you think that you are going to be certain places in your life and the goals you set to be there just never come true.. I yearn and long for the loving and caring of an individiual..
I had bought BB a ring for her birthday last year.. I bought it later in the year when I started making more and more money.. I told her at her birthday that I did not have enough money to really get her anything.. We barely had enough money to pay her and my bills, sO I promised her that I would make it up to her.. I knew how she really did like her birthday so much.. So a few months later I went out and bought the ring. I fell in love with it the moment I saw it. I knew she would like it as well.. I was wondering what happened to the ring.. She threw it across the parking lot at me once in a fight and me and L looked for it high and low. I am sure that it no longer graces her finger... Which is ok.. I bought it for a reason. Not an engagement ring.. That we looked at later when things got better before they ended again.. This was just a ring to show her I did remember my promise and that I did care for her no matter what..
Things are healing. I am starting to accept the fact that maybe she did not love me like she thought.. or maybe she was just confused.. Either way things have been hard.. Even with the support of frineds...
I rememeber one day when I was driving and I just felt like shit. I called every friend I knew just o ask them if I was a good person. I talked to M and P. It was a time when I just needed reassurance..

I wonder if BB has moved on and found happiness.. I do not know why I wonder things like that.. But I hope she has.. I hope that she has the happiness that she could not have with me... I just wosh someday that we can reconnect.. I miss listening to her crazy stories..

I know we had something there.. Timing was just not right in our lives.. I will always have a place in my heart for her..

HELLO I have a whole blog that a I write and lament about constantly..
This helps me through things though.. I can leave my thoughts here and look back..

I have found myself spending more and more time with K. I do not want a relationship from her and she is aware of that but we spend time together.

My boss is driving me crazy.. I am working alot of hours and not seeing any of my fuits pay off..
Which is ok but sometimes I would like to see my hard work do something.

There is a roomate on the horizon, from West Africa. But something sounds fishy about it an I am a little scared about it. She is some designer of some sort. house or furniture something like that. I do not know if it is going to pan out but I am giving it a shot without closing my options from other people that are inquiring about the room for rent ad.

This time I am getting a contract signed. No doubt.

I have not been home to Nashville now going on a long time. To spend actual time there. I am thinking about taking a weekend off and jaunting back up there to see what has changed. I sure lots has. I want it to be a roadtrip with some people.

I am also supposed to plan a trip to Indy for my boy sometime this summer. I promised after this past weekend to Matt that I would come up there by the end of summer.. We shall see..

It is almost that time to go apartment/house hunting again.
I guess that is enough for now I will get on a little late tonight to finish things up..

my favorite sign 

Cleaned place with a few pictures missing 

cleaned placed with roomate gone 

analyze this pic 

dirty roomate 

Posing 

Cleaned and steamed... 

before this lady got bit 

Well lets talk about this guy 

Out with the roomate.
As quick as she moved in she moved out.
I am glad.
She could lie about anything....
From having cervical cancer to being pregnant to her "boyfriend" was in the hospital.
What could she not lie about?
I mean come on.. That is some serious shit youtrying to sell me on you dumb bitch.
I have though and thought about it..
I was so dumb..
Well I am posting some pictues in the morning of the renovation. That has been my July fourth celebration.. I have cleaned like a mug..
Well earlier today I did help someone paint their deck. Prepping their house for sale. I got my ass burned. Then I locked my keys in my tuck and prceeded to get them unlocked. Only with the help of a locksmith and $65 of my hard earned money. So needless to say my weekend has not gone to great. Roomate kicked out when rent was due. Good thingI have backup money...
Lokced keys in truck..
Ohh and the bitch stole some of my hangers.. BB as long with anyone else who knows me can tell you I am particular about a few things.. Matching hangers is one of them..
So since she has moved out I have literally bleached and cleaned everything. I washed my hands of her. Thank God. I was tired of long nights coming home to loud music and company.. Lies, lies and wait there is still more lies.... So I guess I am on the hunt again for an apartment err roomie. Pictures will be taken and as though I do not really have any readers. Except for someone stumbling onto this blog, I will post a picture of the renovation I did today up in the morning.

The new bedroom suite and furniture from IKEA will only have to wait a few weeks. I do not have the safety net that I had with the old Bia... Things will be lonely here yet again.. But I guess it is better that way for a while..
I wonder how school and BB's life is going right now....
I thought about last July.. We wentback and stayed at her parents and shot off a ton of fireworks.. ATE lots of food and had a fantastic time..
I wonder all the time if I am missed in any way..
I mean not the partof me just being there but the little things that me and her shared together...
I wonder where she is in life right now...
I wish I could.... nevermind.. I have to push anything that I wonder and want to the back of my head..

I have decided to change the naem of the blog from "Lost in Life", to "The findings and Loosings of Love"... I think it is more fitting..

Well I am going to go and finish cleaning the deamons out... I have company coming over and must get thing back together.. post some pics in the morning.

This is a post recovery.. I had about four more pages like usual but something fucked up.. I have to repost again soon..

Man ohh man...

so lets see here where to begin.. a huge recap of shit that has gone down in the past week..

Other than going to IKEA like three times to get measurements and stuff I have basically been really doing nothing but working.. figure that..

I have put alot of thought long and hard into my life and the goals I set when I was growing up.. Things that I wanted to do, places I wanted to be in my life.. I have to admit when I have set a goal in my life I have lived up to it and achieved it. I have generally never let myself down or made it a huge ordeal when I did not hit my goal and the place I wanted to be in my life. But with the events of late I am changing my outlook..

Thursday my grandmother was taken to the emergecy room.. She had a procedure that they injected dye into her spine to see what type of problems she has due to the fact that she is going to have to have a back operation. Her spine is all kind of fucked up. Well after the procedure she reacted to the drugs given to her. She could not move and was so sck that she could not eat. So going to the hospital was the only choice for her. When she got there the drugs they gave her again made her have an allergic reaction. It was like she was having a seizure she said. She could notcontrol her arms or legs and they where flailing all over the place. They gave her more medication and to no avail. Finally they gave her so much benadryl it knocked her out asleep.

While in the hospital the doctors found more blockages in her heart. This just adds to the two collasped arteries and the three other partially blocked ones. So in tune she is going in this coming Thursday for a cardiac cath, which they will find out how bad these other NEW blockages are. Two options from there. Stint the ones that they just found and fix them, or nothing at all. The new blockaes they found are on the backside of the heart and a little harder to get to, but nontheless she is on borrowed time. She has been placed on bed rest and is basically not allowed to move until Thursday.

Someone asked me why I have not gone back to see her yet. that is simple. I want to remeber this woman who infulenced my life so much the way I knew her when I left. Hurting but in decent shape. My grandfather is becoming more and more of a hassle to her as well. They just built a new house and are closing on it and moving in next week. This is a stressful situation for anyone but something she is not going to endure. I have been going through this with my grandmother for years and I cherish the moments I do have with her.
When I loose her I wil be devastated. But heck with everything else that has gone on in the past 7 months I should expect it. My grandfather will be al alone in this new house righ next to my aunt...
What will our family do?
I HAVE to go to sleep.. I have been debugging a computer all night.. it has been so screwed and infected it is not even funny..