Early mornings....

Well back in my hometown of Nashville for the week..
Not good times like I was hoping..
All I have been doing is working my ass off..
Literally..
14, 15 hours lots of things to be done..
My family is who I am staying with and even then I have not really seen them or talked to them..
I come home eat a little something and go right to sleep.. I am soo tired all I can do is get to a bed at the end of the day..

I got a call from my doctor's assistant yesterday..
They are going to do some more test in the week I return from here to try and figure something more out..
I am a little worried now..

I wish that they could fix me.. find out what is wrong and fix it so that I can go on with my life..
It justs seems easy to do ya know?
But I guess it si not as easy as it sounds..

We got a my boss bback in ATL..
Since the last one was canned for sexual harrassment..
They finally put a replacement in there..

Not a moment to soon..
Too badI was not there to meet the gentleman..
Oh well.. I guess we will find out what he is like soon enough..
Well time to go to work and get something done..
Just thought I would pop in and write me a little something to remember that I was here in Nashville by.. I am sure the paycheck will remind me as well..

Ta-ta

where to begin.. lets see it has been a while since a good post soo lets rollwith it tonight.. I have alot to cover... It is soo hard fo me to comprehend ignorance sometimes.. I just do not understand.. I mean some people have the smarts and the common knoweldge and some people do not.. All my lifeI have had the same problem.. People judging MY own sexuality.. OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE thinking THEY know me.. I have choosen my friends very wisely throughout my life.. and you know it if you are a friend.. if you have any doubt then your not consider a true friend to me.. your really nothing then.. Hurts to say it but hell you would know it or not.. I choose my friends cause I do not want everyone to KNOW who I am and what Ir eally stand for.. I have VERY strong convictions.. I stand by my morals.. I STAND by my goals.. and people that get in my way I fucking run them over.. Sometimes it is soo hard to block out something that people tell you over and over.. over and over.. My whole life even from my own mother I have been sccused of being homosexual.. WHAT THE FUCK!! I mean christ come on... You stupid fucking ignorant people GROW UP.. just because I GIVE A FUCK on how I look.. I care about how I present myself.. people automatcially assume that I am queer.. because I know how to dress and match blue with blue.. people assume.. And mainly it is because of this back country redneck, goat fucking town I live in.. These people are the definition of ignorant... at least some of them... I have met some people,.... usually not from here that are of some intelligence.. but for the most part these people have no intellectual smarts.. they make snap judgements based upon pre-conceived notions of what a homosexual is.. they think they know exactly what they are what they look like and how they act.. of course we as human all do this.. we have these notions in our head.. built into our head since we were little children.. Movies... television.. books.. they all help in these notions.. We are taught what love is supposed to be before we even know what love is.. Most 7 year olds or younger have some perception what sex is and how it is done.. all from these ideas that are put into our head from other people... You know I had these ideas of what it means to love someone.. how to treat them and what your supposed to do for them.. I never had a father.. no Father figure no stepfather nothing... I taught myself.. you know from where.. you guessed it.. Shit I knew about sex at the ripe old age of five.. I had to twin sisters that lived next door to me.. identical.. and we used to light a fire in the drainage ditch beside my house so we could kiss.. cause I had always seen people kissing by a fire.. Twins.. at the ripe old age of five.. fighting over me.. I used to play with them and they would fight on which person I would pretend to marry.... who's husband I was depended on who gave me the best candy.. at least I was smart.. So that was that.. I got kissed and had my first twin experince when I was pretty young.. They moved shortly after the second grade I think.. I remember helping them move.. but that set in the notions in my young head of what stuff picture perfect would be like.. Until I learned what life really was like.. That was until laterin life when I had a first love and realized that there was soo much pain that went along with it.. The first person I loved.. this is a heartbreaking story.. I liked this girl for the longest time.. ate lunch with her daily and listen to her talk about her boyfriend,.... she complained and complained and complained.. after about six weeks of sitting with her at lunch and listening to this I decided to just to ask her out.. to dinner.. she had finally got rid of the dumbass.. She siad yes.. but.. I had to come eat dinner with the family before I could take her out.. ok.. no prob.. went to the house and yadda yadda yadda.. 3 months later we are sitting in the lunchroom like usual.. and I go to leave.. I give her a hug and turn away and she grabs my hand.. I looked her right in the eyes and she said " love you Christopher," I turned my head and walked away.. I crumpled inside,.. this is also just after she told nme she was moving across the country.. I knew I had these strong feelings inside for her but I had no idea.. I had no idea until I walked away and sat down in my class.. it took my 1 year to tell her I loved her after that.... she never sauid it again until I said it to her on surprise... We where then together for 4 years off and on.. I treated her like gold.. I gacve her enything she wanted.. or needed.. money for a speeding ticket.. I flew across country for the weekend.. my birthday to surprise her.. I went to the ends of the earth.. You know why.. Trying to make it up.. only to realize.. when she told me.. "could never love you as much as you love me.." The favor was returned.. I knew at that exact moment what it probaly felt like when I walked away without a response.. someone handing you their heart and you slapping it onto the floor.. Soo that is when I walso realized of what true pain was.. Pain physically I can handle.. I have been able to live in pain almost my whole life.. but this type of pain was unbearable.. Two years later... This beautiful little girl dances into my life.. for the first time ina long time a smile graced my face.. not a false smile but something geniune.. something true.. I would have never have guessed how hard I would fall and how quickly.. It is scary... Coming to terms with something you would think that would never happen again,... by no means is this a formal complaint.. it is however jubilation.. excitment.. I saw an expression of pain on her face.. I hurt then.. I realized that then I would do anything for this girl.. someone I still barely know,.. someone I learn something new about her every day.. whether a tidbit of history or something about her personality.. So this person that bring sme soo mucgh happines and means alot to me.. Who would want to ruin something like this.. Something that means soo much too me and ignorant people have no clue because they do not take the time to find out, they just act... Rumors.. Of course, they tell my friend.. who is going to say something to me.. tell them a lie.. something that they know I would probaly get upset about.. that erson inturn wants to tell me but because they are my friend they know that this person means soo much to me soo it hurst them to tell me cause they know I will be hurt.. hmmm a long chain of pain here.. all stemming from someone who feels no pain from doing this... Me being the paranoid person I am.. I believe it for a moment.. Then I step back.. I ask myself how reliable the source is,.. I ask myself how much do I trust this person?.. This person that I love and have come to cae for sooooo much in the past few weeks.. It boils down to their word.. just from her mouth to my ear.. no one else getting the information.. cause if someone can lie to your face while your holding them ion your arms and your semi clothed.. hmm then they might have a problem or are just to asheamed .. ya feel me.. that is when you are most vulnerable I think.. in the bed.. with someone of course.. CAUSE IF you DO ANYTHING They will know it.. espcially if you FART :) hahaha not that it has happened just an example... soo After thinking and realizing what this person has said.. this not being the first time. I asked the source since it was siad that the sourcer said it.. denial.. untrue.. which I had felt.. the circumstances did not match.. with what was said.. NOT ONLY DID SHE NOT REALLY SAID WHAT WAS SAiD... (Are you keeping up with the conver?, do not worry I would be lost to...) But the soo called person that started the whole thing said something about me!!! soo this person trying to make me look bad.. whic I really do not care as long as the people who I care for and I keep close know what is untrue and what is true.. But by now I am pissed.. soo.. whole stupid thing.. People said this and she said this.. FUCK ALL OF YOU.. MIND YOUR OWN FUCKING BUSINESS!!! What is done and said between us is OURS NOT YOURS GOD DAMNIT!@!@!!@#`234 That does nothing but piss me off. This is something that I am soo happy about and this person is trying to fuck things up.. not only that person but other people now talk to me about it.. asking me waht I am doing.. I know when you are working with people people will talk.. that is ok.. but this is worse than talk.. this is FUCKING WITH PEOPLES LIVES!@! Emotions, feelings... TRUST most of all.. something that can in my opinion be lost ina second.. ina blink of an eye an take forever to get back.. Well they are fucking with the wrong person.. Hmmm on to today.. I have dwelled and cursed to much..Today alll I wanted to do was cry at the first job.. I wanted to walk out I was soo offended by what was happening.. I do not need that job.. I do not need those people.. but I am thankful for that job.. I was able to meet two specail people in my life.. people that mean the world to me.. That is about the only good that has come from that job,... nothing more.. soo anyways.. I am at work typing this.. do not want to go home for some reason.. but I guess that I must.. I have to sleep sometime tonight.. Work here sucked.. work this morning sucked also.. At least I have tomorrow to be the best that I can be.. today is already in the books... nothing I can do to change it.. I have to let it go forget but not forgive people.. let them Feel the wrath of me for it is about to be unleashed.. Just for trying to FUCK WITH MY HAPPINESS WELL I AM ABOUT TO FUCK WITH YOU!Christopher AKA person who sleeps with girls to marry them.. after getting them pregnant.@ @+

Life complications

Soo.. As it happens I am supposed to be going to Nashville this week..
My body will not let me..
I have been sick for a while now, but things got ALOT worse last night..
So much so I think something in my body has ruptured..
I called my doctor and asked if I needed to take myself to the hospital but he thought it would be better to just move my scheduled appointment up for this week instead of next..

I am scared..
I do not know what to think and or do..
I hope it is nothing of major importance..
But I hope they find something and fix it..
I want to be better..

Weeks later..

Soo what has been going on?
Really nothing..
Nothing but work and desperately trying to get myself in some shape of good health..
I am tired all the time..
I eat then go to sleep within a short period of time after that..
No joke..

I will be sitting at my desk doing just fine and then all the sudden my head will be plopped to the side with my mouth hanging wide open..
Not to mention that for the past 4 days my blood sugar has rarely dropped below a staggering 300..
For some reason my body is slowing rotting away..
I am in a constant pissy and irritable mood..
Sorry for the people around me..
I feel like I am in a dream state..
I cannot focus on anything..
The living situation is going to change again..
She is not happy..
She wants to be there with me but I am requiring her to pay some rent and though she cannot pay it..
She is looking now for a house and four roomates..
Soo Whatever..
I am tired of trying and it seems like I am putting fourth a ton of effort...
I understand I have been there and done alot.. I just do not want her making the same mistakes as I..
But if you try to tell someone something and they do not listen why keep wasting your breathe..
I have taken a new look on things as of late in my dream states that I find myself in..
Whatever happens and is choosen happens ans is not choosen by me..
I am not making or trying to push her to do anything..
On the other hand I am not going to freely give away anything...
She wants to live apart with her roomates that she is going to find..
I am ok with that..
I will not be around when it is conveinient only for her..
I will not sit by and wait for my phone to ring..
I do not think that th relationship will go longer than a few weeks like that..

It is not that I am throwing in the towel..
I am just feeling like I am forcing a square peg into the round hole..
I cannot offer or give anymore..
My back has to be turned..
So like I said whatever happens will happen..
I am not going to let myself get stressed out about it..
I am not going to worry about it..

I will be lonely yes..
I will be depressed yes..
But at least I will not have to try and try to show someone what is happening only to be brushed off..
At least I will not be put into someone's schedule..
Hoping I can fit in..
I do not know what to do in life now..
I feel soo lonely without her around..
Maybe it is not her but just the role I am trying to fill..
Maybe she is just the face that I am putting with the position I am looking for..

Who knows at the point..
I think she is my comfort..
My love..
But we are diffrent in ways..
She will not be in the same room as my mother..
She is afraid of what she thinks of her..
So I am giving in.. She is to afraid to admit her past then what about her future..
I cannot change someone..
I cannot help someone..
I can only help myself..

Humm

I think it is time for bed.. my body is tired but as soon as I hit the bed I know that I will not be able to sleep.. I am going to curl up witha good book and a cat that starves for attention when I am here and hopefully let nature take its course.. sometimtes though nature taking its course does not work.. Well.. if 2 rolls around and I am still up I can count on winding the whole day down on here.. letting my little figures give me great therapy... for some reason though I do not think that I will last that long.. soo I will say night all now and maybe later..