Weeks later..

Soo what has been going on?
Really nothing..
Nothing but work and desperately trying to get myself in some shape of good health..
I am tired all the time..
I eat then go to sleep within a short period of time after that..
No joke..

I will be sitting at my desk doing just fine and then all the sudden my head will be plopped to the side with my mouth hanging wide open..
Not to mention that for the past 4 days my blood sugar has rarely dropped below a staggering 300..
For some reason my body is slowing rotting away..
I am in a constant pissy and irritable mood..
Sorry for the people around me..
I feel like I am in a dream state..
I cannot focus on anything..
The living situation is going to change again..
She is not happy..
She wants to be there with me but I am requiring her to pay some rent and though she cannot pay it..
She is looking now for a house and four roomates..
Soo Whatever..
I am tired of trying and it seems like I am putting fourth a ton of effort...
I understand I have been there and done alot.. I just do not want her making the same mistakes as I..
But if you try to tell someone something and they do not listen why keep wasting your breathe..
I have taken a new look on things as of late in my dream states that I find myself in..
Whatever happens and is choosen happens ans is not choosen by me..
I am not making or trying to push her to do anything..
On the other hand I am not going to freely give away anything...
She wants to live apart with her roomates that she is going to find..
I am ok with that..
I will not be around when it is conveinient only for her..
I will not sit by and wait for my phone to ring..
I do not think that th relationship will go longer than a few weeks like that..

It is not that I am throwing in the towel..
I am just feeling like I am forcing a square peg into the round hole..
I cannot offer or give anymore..
My back has to be turned..
So like I said whatever happens will happen..
I am not going to let myself get stressed out about it..
I am not going to worry about it..

I will be lonely yes..
I will be depressed yes..
But at least I will not have to try and try to show someone what is happening only to be brushed off..
At least I will not be put into someone's schedule..
Hoping I can fit in..
I do not know what to do in life now..
I feel soo lonely without her around..
Maybe it is not her but just the role I am trying to fill..
Maybe she is just the face that I am putting with the position I am looking for..

Who knows at the point..
I think she is my comfort..
My love..
But we are diffrent in ways..
She will not be in the same room as my mother..
She is afraid of what she thinks of her..
So I am giving in.. She is to afraid to admit her past then what about her future..
I cannot change someone..
I cannot help someone..
I can only help myself..