Out of the schedule..

I am WAY out of the norm of coming in and sitting at my desk and pouring my heart out...
What has happened to me?
I have fallen.
Oh well onward..

MY mother has fucked up my life..
Taken her word and turned it around..

My life has come back to normal somewhat of having something in my life to care about..

I spent all weekend traveling back and fourth between south atlanta and my house and work watching Extreme Homemakeover Live as it was being done..

Got some really great pictures of the cast.. With me and all..
Spent ALL night in 20 degree weather with a windchill of about -2 sitting outside this house.. with the wind constantly blowing and howling all around me..

She spent it with me.. Shoot she better had.. :) I mean I did not come to Atlanta on a whim because of the show..

I got to go into the house BRIEFLY, carried some supplies in..
Thanks only to the "producer"... on the street that had it on "lock down"..

He told me to hop the fence and come on over.. I did it quickly..

My life seems to be going great emotionally but now financially I am a wreck..
When will it all get to gether?
Maybe I should calla roundtable meeting of the aspects of my life..
That would be interesting...

Well.. I promise to come in and write tonight I must and have to!
But let me just tell you the cold is still in my hands from staying outside all Sat night... I found myself shivering in the warm bed last night as well..

Humm diddly..

Ok..
Now a time for relfection..
I know I have not done my daily duties with blogging here..
Not like I have people that actually read this..
But for me it is something that I feel I like to do..
Vent my feelings and my thoughts so that they are not lost forever in my vast expanse of a head
Humm where did I leave off?
Ohh yeah..
She moved back in..
Came from TN and moved right directly back into my house and life..
Full force..
Redecorated my whole apartment, and cleaned the likes of it..
Not that I am complaining at all..
I am greatful for the fact that she did all that..

It feels soo good to have someone to come home to..
Not just come home to but for you to know that there is going to be someone there..
Your not going to be alone..
There is going to be someone there you can hold and hug on to..
Share your touch and feeling with..
hum..
It is a warming feeling..
There is life back into my dull apartment..
There is a little shithead dog..
Dubbed the shitter from when he actually shit on me because I scared him soo..
The cat..
Me and her..
A typical family unit here in the US..
Parents and 2.3 kids..
Our kids are the animals..

I have been wating everyday for her arrvial..
I cannot sleep..
I just cannot wait to see her..
I dunno why.. I look forward to the keys jinglegling in the door..
It is the feeling of acceptance.
I know she does not express her emotions well..
Most especialally her sexual and her inner thoughts..
Those are saved for her friends that pose no threat to her..
I am still not that lucky..
But maybe just maybe one day I will get to go there..

All I can do is wait..
I am hungry I am going to go get food..

untitled

Where to begin...
who knows..






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fuck liars and people that are fake assholes and try to look as good as they want to make themselves





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I have come to the conclusion that I am a pathetic person.. I have no life and nothing to live for anymore







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Where to begin?

There is to much to even start to try to comprehend what has happened in the past few days..
It is soooooo overwhelming that I need to tak a few days to comprehend what has happened and try to explain or even pinch myself to wakeup from something I think is a dream..

OIL CHECK!

Humm..
Well today I ahve my first of many appointments with a new group of doctors...
Metro Atlanta Gastroenterology..
I hope they take the time to find out what the fuck is wrong with the lower part of my body..
That in turn should make the whole rest of my body fall into place..
Me being "diabetic" and all..
My sugars are still all over the place.
There is not real constant level..
When I wake up it is out of the normal parameters still..

Who the hell knows what is wrong with me..
I just need to make sure that the stress in my life stays to a minimal..
I cannot get myself stressed out because that is what made this flare up before..
I am still on meds that make me sleepy..
I have to take one pill every four freaking hours..
SO every four hours I get really sleepy and just wanna hide under my desk and sleep..
I have done it..
It is not like I have a choice though.
I am just so tired..
I am getting used to Diet Coke..
ALthough I do not drink cola that much anyways..
I still need a little caffeine during the nights once a week or soo..
I will for sure need it today because of the doctors appointment..

The one thing I am scared about being in the state am in..
No more eating a whole loaf of fresh baked bread..
Man I love my carbs..
If I have to lower my carb intake I might just flip out..
Well I have already started watching my carb intake but not as much as a should..
I still have my bagels.. my toast..

I am not big on sweets anyways..
When I need to eat sweets I know it.. and I do..

Work has the "MEETING" today..
The one where we are told where our future stands with the company..
I have to make sure though that I am outta here no later than 10am..
I do not want to be late at all for my appointment..
It is a new patient consultation..
I am sure there will be probes involved..EWWWWWWW

Life is soo strange..

I give in..

The weirdest feeling just came over me as I walked into my bathroom for the morning ritual..
How many places have I lived?
Not just styaed at but actually unpacked settled in and lived?
Home is where the heart is and i guess with the recent events in my life I am still searching for my home and my heart..
It is amazing what such a short time has done to me in my life..
Just thinking about it two months ago I was thinking my whole life was on the right track..
I was on my way to my happiness...
I was on my way to getting what I crave and yearn for..
Now look at my life..
It has done a complete 180 turn around..
I am alone.. something I actually despise..
I have nothing here along with no one to truely offer my the comfort and compassion I need..
My job just took a turn for the worse.. in my opinion..
My life has tunred into a pathetic waste of space and humanity..
My health is up in the air..
Do not even really want to go there..
I AM OUT OF FUCKING TOILET PAPER AND I DO NOT EVEN GIVE A FUCK... Kleenex does just fine on my ass..
I have slowly pulled away from even trying to be motivated..
I just do as I need to..
Oh it is as bad as I have been out of T.P. for about four days now...
I am looking at my life and am realizing that I am getting older and I am doing nothing about it..
Just being a selfish person..

I guess there are going to be more bumps in my road of life..
I am just ready for the cruise control the stability of something of substance..
Well when that time comes who knows what will happen..
I have soo much on my plate but not as much as I used to..
I would rather just be soo consumed than nothing at all..
I have to get my ass up and go to work..
FUCKITALL





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Let's shake things up..

My whole working world has just crumbled..
My boss and ofrmer supervisor was just terminated..
I am soo worried and at a loss..
I do not know what my future hold here or with this company at this point in time..
I am soo very frightened now..
What I am going to do..
My pay changing and what not..
My hours changing and what not..
I am soo worried..

Should I freak out?
Should I start looking for jobs elsewhere?
I have never had this happen to me where it is going to directly effect me and my well being..
I am sick and now I have to worry and think about this..
I am the lowest on the totem pole here and now I might be even lower..
ALthough I will say I do not think I will get laid off...
Maybe just not have as many hours as before..
Which means it si hitting me in my pocket book..

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I might just pack up and move..
I might not have a choice..
I hired on here under the premiss of a certain salary..
Under that salary I was getting overtimes made the salary..
Because in reality I am an hourly employee..
I was the first person to be hired on as a router in the company as an hourly employee..

Maybe I am just freaking out about this?
Maybe I have nothing to really worry about...
Who knows..
I will just keep coming and going like normal and not worry about things..
But on the flip side I am going to start looking for a fall back job..
Here and elsewhere..
I do not have anything here but this job..
What is going to happen to me if I loose this job?
I mean I feel that I do no tpull my weight around here just because I am still a youngster here..
Well just when you think you dodge one curveball life is deciding to throw you another one..
I have already started revising my resume on monster..
I can do it I can find another place..
I can find another home..
I have never been like this but this could be my chance to go out and do..
I have nothing really now...
No life to go home to..
The job I am doing is problay going to change so I will not have a job to go to..
So why not leave all together?
I would not be missed..
It would be just like I was never here..

A spot easily erased in someone's head..
That is what I feel now..
Geeze.
I hope for the best now..
Well..
Have a wonderful day..
Just know that yours is probaly better than mine...

Mystery solved...sort of..

Well the doc gave me some interesting information a little bit confusing but nonetheless informative..
I have diabetes..
Curently my body is in a "diabetic state,"so they are going to run more tests today to get things going.. I feel like crap I could not make my body get up and move this morning. Usually I look forward to coming into work and sitting at my desk but I just have no more motivation in my life to do anything really or even care about anything. I just give up on a lot of shit. Like you name it I just do not give a fuck anymore..

I need to clean my truck..
Will I?
No
I need to do alot of shit here at work..
Will I..
When I get around to it..
But I am not busting my balls to do anything anymore..
It really does not pay off to do that..
I will just take my time and do things when I want to do them..
Personal and professional..

I hate doctors now but the one I found I think I can have a little confidence in..
I am going to go..
I am hurting all over and the meds they have me on gives me "narcolepcy".. I just fall asleep at random times..
Later..

Crap..

Man I feel shitty this morning...
My new little toy that pricks my finger when I want it to tells me my sugar in my blood is WAY high.. hovering around a constant 260-280 the entire morning..
Could this be all the trouble causing my stomach to yell at me?
Could this be from all the stress lately?
Ah who knows..
I have a doctors appointment today around 11 am..
I am hopeful..
What else do I have?

So life is going on..
I am getting alot of sleep..
I am back to watching the constant barrage of movies..
I rented TROY yesterday and White Castle..
I am having a hard time concentrating and thinking right now..

Focusing on one thing is really a task..
I have lacked bloggin from my mobile lately..
It is kind of hard to do when you are driving..

I am really lonely..
Motivation is still lacking..
Maybe I should adopt a kid for the weekends or something..
Become a big brother in one of those programs..
Find something better to do with my time rather than lay around the house and what not...

Could I be an impact on someone's life?

I hope not..

I am ready to fall off the face of the earth now..
Win the lottery buy a boat and just leave...
Make my own adventures..
Not live by any guidelines..
Any stipulations...
Just be...

So there is no news on anything else in my life..
I wish there was..
I wish I could tell stories for days...
But well...
Great things always come to an end I guess...

Humm..

Why is it that some people can tell someone some stuff...
But they cannot tell them?
They go the round about way like they are scared or something?
Just say it already..
I mean geeze I wold rather hear it come out of their mouth instead of hearing it from someone else..
It just does not have enough merit or mean the same if they do not say it..

Almost a weekly recap..

So where to begin..
Let's see..
I almost spent New Years in the hospital..
I was discharged at 3pm and told that I am a mental case..
Basically they have no idea why I go up and down so much with my blood sugar.
Three different doctors three VERY differing points..
My nursing staff though was awesome..
Cudos to them..

My new Years?
I could not have asked for a better one really..
I got a nice surprise... I thought my new years was going to be a bust..
Sitting in my hospital bed my mother might have been there might not have been..
Who knew..
But to my utmost astonishment someone showed up..
Unexpected and very nice for them to do that...
I had been discharged from the hospital and when they got there I was not there of course..
But they..
1. Remembered which hospital...
2. Was thoughtful enough to try and surprise me..
3. Made me feel really good..

When they called and asked if where I was at I was a little astonished..
I had no idea that they did that.
Taking it upon themselves to just show a softer side that I knew they had...
To me that is a really good sign..
Something that shows..

So I was going to go and meet up with Matt and a group of his friends, but since it was so thoughtful and nice of her to come down from Nashville because she did not want me to be alone..
I thought that I should spend New Years where my heart is..
With her...
I was not too excited about doing much of anyhting but when I knew she was here I really did get excited..
I really do have someone..
She is there..
Just getting things she needs to get done before me..
It is all good..
Whatever happens will happen true..
But most of the time you make those things happen..
You make the choices and live the life you want to live..
Your are the captain of your own boat..

So the rest of the weekend was spent either entertaining my mother..
Working..
Or getting the old apartment ready for the walk-through..
I went shopping AGAIN.. but this time I had a specific thing I was going after..
Alcoholic glasses.
EX: Shot glasses, Pilsners, Rocks glasses, Tumbles, Flutes, and goblets..
I basically bought every type of alcoholic glass they make.. I
I made my own set..
Why though when I am not reall a drinker?
Why Not have those things readily availiable for anyone who wants to use them...

MY mother is driving me insane..
She needs to go and go soon..
No wonder I am stressed out.
She is a good maid though..
My place is immaculate..
Bleached to the gills..
She is a cleaner allright..

She is hounding me about everything though..
I let her sleep on the new errrr new to me again bed that has graced my apartment making it complete...
Furniture complete that is..
There is still something.. err
Maybe someone missing..
Who knows..

I am going to try that new fangled thing out called a bed today and try to get some sleep on it.. I have not truel ever slept in that bed alone..
I feel that I will not be able to and just migrate back to the couch...
I will at least give it a good shot..

I worked at the second job this whole weekend..
What a blast let me tell you..
I really hope to quit this job soon enough..
I am scared to now because of the medical bills that will be coming in..
All because my blood sugar is controlled by my mind..
HUMMMMM BLOOD SUGAR RAISE HUMMMMMMM
wow it worked.. it went up to a whole 207..
J/K...

I went and looked up some more doctors with names that this time I could pronounce..
Last time I only could say about one or two of the names on my list of doctors that I had assembled..
Now that the holidays are over and I a still putting away christmas ornamets and what not..
Life will slow down a little bit..

I think that she has made the right choice..
I mean she is getting a clearer picture of everything..
There was a reason that I said no and would not let her come back so quickly..
Call me evil or what not..
But if she came back tomorrow then what would we as a couple have learned?
I think that she is getting more confidence in herself and looking at things in a little brighter light..
Everything is only as darkl and gloomy as you make it..
I honestly believe that you will come back on your own time..
I would like you to come back and stay a few.. Of course I will have to share the burden and try to work through this as muh as you..
That means no working weekends..
Means me driving to see each other..
If that is what WE want that is.

Who knows..
It is a new year and she might find something without even looking..
Ya know?

All I know is that I am tired of feeling like and these fucking foreign doctors better find someonthing wrong with me or go back to INDIA..
Oh wait...
There is a reason there are here in our country..
They do not make any money back in INDIA so they some here to get their five year tax break of making 250g a year and then buy all the gas stations and have their wives run them while the average american pays their tax dollars for the programs that brought the imigrants here..
SO WHAT THE FUCK?
I want my five year tax break!! Screw immigrating to this country..

Another thing that I am afraid will set in..
Depression..
I am scared that things are going to hit me harder in a few days..
Why?
She has been gone out of state for 2 weeks or so..
Because the holidays are over..
The business and bustle of the season that keeps your mind occupied is gone..

My mind might go idle..
But I think there is enough work around my apartment for everything to keep my busy...
Organize my underwear drawer and what not..

All the christmas decor is down..
Mother took care of that for me..
Now I just have to find a little box of some sort to hold all the christmas gear..

One more thing..
Talk to me..
Anyone.. I mean I am not a mind reader..
Just let me know about things..
Tell me how you fell..
Write me something..
Email me something..
Comment me something..
SING me something..
But for GOD'S SAKE just let me know....
SOMETHING..
ahhhhhhhhhhh..
Ok.. I must start back to work now.. I will update later and keep the masses posted on the sleeping arrangement that I have to come up with..
Me and the big empty bed.. I think me and the red couch of love is going to have a better relationship..
"I am haveing an affair with Couch.." Christopher told Bed trying to let them down softly..
"I am not soft and supple enough for you?" Bed poutingly questioned...
"Couch just loves me more and has less empty space than you,"Christopher said staring intently at the gigantic open Bed.
"I see how it is... Go to Couch... I hope they cradle you as much as I have cradled you.." Bed mumbled while crying..

HAHAH
OMG..
I just made up dialouge between my couch my bed and me..
Damn if the furniture could talk..
Shit I would be in trouble then..

Well I will stop in a little later and finish this off.. I am sure I am missing something here or there...