Time to sit..

You know I have finally found time to sit down.. Play with my new computer and relax. I have been keeping a very busy life lately and have not made time for myself. I have my usually Sunday night ritual of sit down and watching Extreme Home Makeover. Tonight though, I was just sitting around thinking about the things that I have accomplished this year as we bring it to a close. Everything I set out to do I accomplished and then some. I never let up on myself and pushed harder for things than ever before.

I am going to finish installing the publishing software on the new laptop that I got a few weeks ago so that I can go back to publishing photos and such.

Also, I put up 6,500 Christmas lights this year. Mostly LED lights to conserve a little electricity but then I purchased a controller unit that plays music and also makes the Christmas lights dance. I put a few videos on You Tube.

Do you ever sit and wander if you have made a difference in any one's life, and if you did do you think that they realize so? I guess we all move on in our lives and forget how we got to where we are, but I will try my best to thank anyone and everyone who pushed me and made me who I am today. Well it is time for the unveiling of the new house so I am going to sit back and relax. Oh yeah and the AC is on in December.. how crazy is that?

Animated Christmas Tree Farm

By far some of the most programming of lights I have seen. This is THE best display I have EVER seen.

Sandstorm Christmas Lights Techno

I think this has to be one of the neatest ideas I have seen. Original..

29 voicemails...

I wonder how Ilet my phone go uncharged for a couple of days and have 28 voicemails and while I am checking it I get another one.

People please. Contact me on my other cell phone lord....

Oh and I ahve a ton of information to post, like my christmas lights, my computer.. and something about a new job...

Will take some time and discuss later..

URGENT ATTENTION PLEASE

FROM DR. ISSA KABOURE.
BILL AND EXCHANGE MANAGER,
AFRICAN DEVELOPMENT BANK
OUAGADOUGOU, BURKINA FASO.
TEL:00226-76-14-81-13

DEAR FRIEND,

URGENT ATTENTION PLEASE

I AM DR. ISSA KABOURE. I WORK IN THE AUDIT/ REMITTANCE DEPARTMENT OF AFRICA DEVELOPMENT BANK (ADB) OUAGADOUGOU BURKINA FASO.

I HAVE A BUSINESS WHICH WILL BE BENEFICIAL TO BOTH OF US. THE AMOUNT OF MONEY INVOLVED IS ($10.5 MILLION US DOLLARS) WHICH I WANT TO TRANSFER OUT OF THE COUNTRY TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT, ALL TO MY FINANCIAL BENEFIT AND YOURS TOO. AND ALSO TO TAKE MY WIFE TO USA FOR TREATMENT OF LIVER DAMAGE.

THIS MONEY IS OWNED BY A MAN CALLED MR. ANDREAS SCHRANNER FROM MUNICH, GERMANY A BUSINESS COMMERCIALIST IN WEST-AFRICAN REGIONS. HE HAS BEEN DEAD SINCE JULY 2000 AND SINCE THEN NO CLAIM HAS BEEN PLACED ON HIS BANK ACCOUNT BALANCE.FOR MORE INFORMATION VISIT THIS SITE BELLOW

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm

I WANT TO TRANSFER THIS MONEY OUT OF THE COUNTRY BUT SUCH FUND CAN NOT BE TRANSFERRED WITHOUT A NEXT OF KIN ATTACHED TO THE FUND. THE FUND COULD BE TRANSFERRED IN THESE WAY, YOU SHALL PRESENT YOURSELF AS BUSINESS ASSOCIATES TO THE DECEASED PERSON [ANDREAS SCHRANNER ] AS DETAILS SHALL BE THAT YOU ARE THE CARE-TAKER BUSINESS ASSOCIATES TO MR. ANDREAS SCHRANNER AND HIS PROPERTIES. I SHALL MAKE AVAILABLE TO YOU MATERIALS AND INFORMATION WITH WHICH A SUCCESSFUL CLAIM SHALL BE PLACED ON THE FUND. I SHALL BE YOUR GUIDIANCE AND INSTRUCTOR THROUGHOUT THE DURATION OF THIS TRANSACTION SO AS TO ENSURE A SWIFT AND SURE TRANSFER OF THE FUND TO YOUR BANK ACCOUNT.

AS TO YOUR BENEFITS, YOU SHALL BE ENTITLED TO 45% OF THIS FUND FOR YOUR CO-OPERATION IN THIS TRANSACTION WHILE 5% WIL BE SET ASIDE FOR EXPENCES BOTH OF US INCURED DURING THE COURSE OF THIS TRANSACTION. SO IF YOU ARE INTRESTED, SEND A REPLY TO ME IMMEDIATELY SO THAT I CAN FORWARD THE APPLICATION OF CLAIM TO YOU FOR YOU TO SEND IT TO OUR BANK, AND IN YOUR REPLY PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR [PRIVATE PHONE AND YOUR FAX NUMBER] URGENCY HAS TO BE IMPLIED AND THIS BUSINESS MUST STRICTLY BE A DEAL BETWEEN BOTH OF US.

THANKS AND GOD BLESS.

WAITING YOUR URGENT RESPOND

DR. ISSA KABOURE.

( dr_issa_kaboure_226bf@hotmail.fr)

0022676148113

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Such a Story we all have to tell..

Boy it amazes me at how the justice system today works. Yet I am thankful for being an honest person. Even though it cost me $300 bucks today. Will explain that when I get an image of the tickets that I was contesting. This story is one for the record books. I feel bad for people who have to go through this day in and day out.

Unleash Me

Sometimes I do nothing but sit and take things in. I listen to my surroundings and remain silent thinking about the whole big picture of life. This is something I have done a lot within the past two weeks.

I have been to Boston on a horrible flight that lasted for what seemed and eternity. Then turned around and got into a rental truck and drove all the way back to Georgia. I then leave and come all way up to Dalton to sit in a hotel room at night and train during the day. Totally flipping my regular sleeping schedule and regular life. If you want to call what I do in my life regular.

I have surprised someone I love and left my dogs to fend for themselves. All and all it has been a very interesting month of September. All this time I have sat around and soaked things in.

Also, recently I went to a funeral for a friend that was troubled and could not handle the whole thing called life. With all the sudden rush of events that have taken place in my life it is hard to put everything together out of my head into the written word. I am not that great of an expressive writer and I have never claimed to be but I am going to try...

If you.. or anyone you know is having a hard time in life give them words of encouragement, give them some hope to continue and pressing on through life. We have all had thoughts of "What am I doing?", "why should I continue doing this and struggling through this crap?", you could go on and on with the questions that we ask ourselves sometimes. My point. We are all in that dark place sometime in our life and we need everyone and everything around us to help pull us through what we are putting ourselves through. If you think you are alone in your life, take a trip, go to someplace where you have never been before and explore life. It will show you that no matter where you go us as humans have the same struggles, the same problems. The only difference really is how each of us as individuals cope with those hurdles and battles we have in our lives.

I felt utterly alone and so small just when I went to the airport. But then I started realizing that we are all in this fishbowl of life together. Sometimes it seems that we are all alone and there is no one like us. But then look right under the surface and you will realize that we have our own small little micro world with the relationships and habits that everyone else has. Being on a plane on the same flight with someone that is that is important in their own mind, is a very leveling experience. No matter how important they are off the plane it happens we are all in the same boat, sitting on the runway. No matter how many tantrums you through and names you drop it is not going to change the situation. There are rules and stipulations that MUST be met before anything can move forward.

No matter how important of a meeting, family function, funeral whatever you have to be at, you cannot change the position you are in with the other individuals on the flight. It could be a very humbling experience for someone with a massive ego, trying to make look like what they have to do is the most important thing not only to them but it must be to everyone else around them. But the truth is when you are stuck on a flight waiting for things to happen EVERYONE is missing something that is important to them. Something that to them is important in their world and they want everyone else to know. On the down side... People do not care about that. They are sitting right beside you and are in the same boat without being able to control the current situation.

Also, I feel it is time for a change in what I am doing. I feel that I am not going in the direction I want to go right now and I want to do an about face. I am willing to work for the things I want in life but it is time for me to be creative. I find it extremely difficult to do what I am doing for a career that I cannot be somewhat creative. Give me a task and let me come up with a solution that is totally creative and outside the box. I have many projects at home that I have to finish that I have started and I feel that this weekend I will be able to knock a few more off of my list of to do things. Spend some time with the boys and get ready for court..

Oh yeah, I have court Monday Morning. I am not going to postpone things anymore. I am going to tackle it head on. I might as well since postponing it will just make the inevitable longer. I do not even think I am going to get a lawyer. I think I will go about things without one.

Tomorrow is budget day. I get to sit down and work out the bills and wat is coming up. Lovely.. My favorite thing to do. Money in Money out...

Time to think

In recent days and weeks I have had time to think and no time to think.. If that makes any sense to you. I have recently traveled from Boston to Atlanta. Flew to Boston and drove the whole 18+ hours back home to Atlanta in a truck loaded with furnishings of a person who has never moved in their life.

I cannot help but think of what a small person in life I really am. Traveling like I did recently really made me think of my little microcosm of a world and how I relate to it. I thought of how many other little worlds people have of their own and how small and insignificant I am. What do I do to contribute to this world and ultimately what I want to contribute to this world before I leave.

I took many pictures and ate lots of new and interesting foods. Found some new favorite places and also places I want to return to at some point in my life. Wished many times how awesome it would be to be a free spirit and have the ability to go and do what I please, and live where I want to on a whim. Then quickly coming back to reality to ultimately realize how grounded I must be and that employment is the ultimate and most important thing currently and I do have a wonderful microcosm if I do say so myself.

It is time for a slight makeover though. Next week I have committed time to working on my blogs and pages that I have currently online and get a firm setting and standing on those.

Follow through on the real estate school that has fallen through the hands of numerous people now, and layout my financial planning for the rest of the year. I have been doing good in the three month intervals. But, for the final three months of the year I need to really focus hard on the important things and finish up on the things that have been started.

I have things that I started around the house that could keep me going for a whole year actually and never stopping. Painting here and there and this loose end and that, so spending money to bring on more projects is going to be out of the question. Organizing what I have open is what I should do. I do need to purchase the bricks for the landscaping badly seeing as it is getting cooler outside and I will be able to work on the retaining wall again.

The boys need tending to in the month of October and November so I need to plan for that. Taxes for the house need to be paid this month and next. That is a strain on finances. I have court that I am going to have to postpone and the tax deadline is looming overhead from last year. So I do have a busy last three months. Not to mention that I could possibly be hosting Thanksgiving again, which I do not mind whatsoever, and my birthday which will bring me one year closer to 30. WHOA. 27...

Breathe....

I close on that.
For now...

Traveling...

Fly from ATL to Boston...
Leave Boston yesterday and drive to Maryland. Tour here a bit then drive to GA... Marathon driving...
Today bumming around Baltimore, eating some famous Maryland Crab and Maine lobster we drove back from Boston...

Plenty of pictures to post and plenty of details I have to divulge...

SNL - Digital Short - A Special Christmas Box *Uncensored Ve

Maybe I should start given this as a present...

The weekend is almost here....

I just found out that I can type in हिंदी। इस ठाट नॉट अमज़िंग? (Hindi is that not amazing?).
I thought so. I have been researching reading and reading some more learning how to do lots more with my blog and my domain name that was purchased oh so long ago and has just sat there dormant not doing anything. I have to make a trip this weekend to get my oil changed, hair trimmed, and a little bit of grocery shopping either at Wal-Mart or the local K-Roger.

I bought a new patio set yesterday pics will be up soon. Picked it up for a STEAL of a price although me being as cheap as I am sometimes have to fix a little section of the chair. Hence, the great price. Dogs will like it because of the umbrella that will give them a little shade on the back porch. Thanks to B for delivery at no charge although he says I owe him some drywall work... I think I am going to turn this into a shopping/bargain hunting guide since I am such a cheap ass for most things. I will post some things from recent purchases here soon. I think it is time to define this blog and have a real purpose and attempt to make a little passive income from it. We will see. Same goes for My Rude Neighbor. Well going to work on some Dream Weaver projects a new toy and a lot to learn over the weekend.

Has this ever happened to you?

Life coming at you fast..

You know those people you grew up with? The friends that you had as a child and through high school? The ones that knew you when you where an dumb newbie in the thing called life.

The people you wonder about from time to time like how they turned out and what happened in their life.

Well, I lost one of those particular people in my life today.

Jessica AKA Poonie.

I am not going to go into to much detail but we had a close friendship at one time. I was called by my childhood neighbor and told that she had been found deceased in her place today. Details are not forth coming as of yet but I hope that more details will become avaliable as time permits. I hate funerals and especially ones of friends.

I must attend this one though... I will be going home shortly.

Slacker

Slacker Radio... Created Sia radio station.. Hmm. for some reason I like this chics music. Not usually into the whiny woman singers but for some reason it is just neato. She is currently touring in the states and I wonder if she is stopping in ATL. I think that would be an interesting concert to go see.

What a wonderful thing...

Sometimes just sitting here listening to music I smile.. I smile becuase I know I have made a difference.. and that is all that matters to me right now.. Making a difference.. Great things are to come.

Some people crave attention..

I guess you better try and figure out what type of attention your going to get.. I found this guy cruising along the streets of Denver while I was working using the new street view by Google as an edit tool..

What a weirdo..

I like to flex for people...

Oh and yes I have started posting here again.. for a reason.. There could be some changes here soon, and I want to be able to put my last year and a couple of months on the lie here after things pan out.

Silence myself no more..

Sia - Buttons (Promo Video)

I cannot stop watching this video... I am hooked on SIA.. Thanks Perez...

Interesting...

Apparently I have been probed by spammers and they sent this directly to my blog.. Lovely.. I will leave it up for the sake of humor...

Strictly Confidential/very urgent

From The Desk of Mr.Douglas Kabore
Audits & Accounts Dept
B.O.A  Bank of AFRICA
Ouagadougou Burkina Faso
 
Dear Friend,
 
I am Mr Douglas Kabore, a banker with the above mentioned bank in Ouagadougou Burkina Faso in West Africa, holding the post of the Audits & Accounting manager. On Monday, 31 July, 2000, one Andreas Schranner, a Garman National, An Astute Business man of international repute, a contract with ecowas country, whose endeavours spans various areas of Business interest, (Real estate, contract and Farming .etc) made a numbered time (Fixed) Deposit, valued at $10,600,000.00 (Ten Million, Six Hundred thousand United States Dollars) for twelve calendar months in my Bank Branch.
 
Upon Maturity, we sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got no reply. After a month, we sent a reminder and finally we discovered from his company that Mr. Andreas Schranner was aboard the AF4590 plane, which crashed Monday, 31 July 2000 into the Hotelissimo.
 
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/859479.stm
 
After further investigation, it was discovered that he died without making a WILL and all attempts to trace his next of kin proved fruitless.
On further investigation, it was discovered that Late Mr. Andreas Schranner did not declare any next of kin or relatives in all his official documents, including his Bank Deposit paper work here in our Bank. The total sum, $10,600,000.00 is still in my bank and the interest is being rolled over with the principal sum at the end of each year. All efforts to trace and locate his next of kin proved abortive.
 
In accordance with the country's  banking laws and constitution guiding this banking institution stated that  after  the expiration of 7 (seven) years, if no body or person comes for the claim as the next of kin , such  money will be revert to the Burkina Faso government  treasury if nobody applies as the next of Kin to claim of the fund. Consequently, It is upon this respect, I seek to present you as a foreign partner to stand in as the next of kin to the late Mr. Andreas Schranner since no one will come up for the claim.
 
Upon acceptance of this proposal, I shall send to you by mail the B.O.A Bank "Next of Kin Payment Application Text Form" as well as detailed information on how this deal would be carried out.
 
The money will be shared in the ratio: Sixty percent for me, thirty percent for you and ten percent for any arising contingencies during the Course of this transaction. I guarantee that this will be executed under legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law, as I will use my position in the Bank's here to perfect this business transaction & secure Approvals and guarantee the successful execution of this transaction.
 
Please be informed that your utmost confidentiality is required. If this interests you, I want to remind you of the confidentiality of this Transaction at hand whatever your decision is.
I await your urgent response. Your detailed reply should contain your telephone and fax numbers for easier communication for onward proceeding.
Your personal information needed as follow.
1 Name...................................................
2 Country.....................................................
3 Age..............................................
4Occupation..........................................................
5 Tel.............................................................
6 Fax..............................................................
7 Passport or Staff ID CARD.......................................................
 
Thanks.
Mr. Douglas kabore
Audits & Accounting Manager
 

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Change is good. See what's different about Windows Live Hotmail. Check it out!

Typical... This is so modeled after real life..

Random

I just thought I would get a few things out in the open...
I am tired of people telling me how I should live my life and what I need to do... Chris you should do this you should do that.. You do not need this you do not need that..

Let me say something.. I have had help in my life and I would not be here if it was not for some people... But, I am tired of pleasing EVERYONE but my own FUCKING SELF. I am tired of haveing people walk over me and me letting them because I cannot stand up for myself. I am sorry about the things that have happened in your life and stuff but you know what, I have had just as much happen to me.

People wonder why I never call?
I never call becasue all that happens when I do call is I get blasted with you should do this.. you should do that... how bout I make some choices myself? How bout I wanna fuck up my own life, since that is what everyone thinks I am doing with it now..

Let me finally make my own choices.. You wanna give me advice or not hound me.. how bout a little support instead of do this, do that.. How bout...

"Wow, I never thought of that, maybe that will work for you, I hope it does.."

You know you think you have friends but when certain things happen it seems they all want to turn on you.
So you know what... I have done this much in my life by myself..
Fuck all of you who think you always know what is best for me.. I am tired of trying to conform to your ideas and your wants. I am doing something for myself now. Soemthing for me, if you do not like it either accept it and move on and seperate yourself from me forever.

I am done with this.

...

I feel so sick. I just want to throw up....

Tuesday... I close... only problem.. I need a witness... Anytakers?

Did not think so.. I am going to be forced to use John.

I stared at these today and had no better use for them. I thought all this hard work must be appreciated by someone.

It is amazing who you turn to talk to when you are in need. As though this is the neighborhood guy that scrapes by doing yardwork he does have some very profound information. He helped me. "Damn Chris!" is his favorite quote he likes to tell me.

...

Sometimes when you look so hard at something we begin to think things in the worst way, only because we cannot give ourselve a good explanation.

Woof.

Your camera smells funny..

What a proper dog sitting there.

Hello Daddy...

During the rain.

This just taken before the rain.

The first mini rose to bloom.

This is such a great shot. In this photo you have all three stages of life. If you look at it my way.
You have the birth of a rose to the bottom right just before it starts to show it's beauty.
Then you have the maturing rose on the bottom left.
The third rose is in teh aged and death stage of its life. The petals will fall of shortly and be left a bud to reproduce more roses like these.

This is the same rose from the previous picture.

Not bad for being at 4 in the morning working.

This was last friday night after work.. I drove around for a while.

Waiting for me at the bottom of the steps.

My mother and I walking to Marta when her car broke down.

AH yes, walking to the lovely MARTA on a 100 degree day.

Here comes our train. This is as we rush down to catch it before it leaves and the 45 minute ride home.

Time to think..

I have told you what has been heavy on my heart. I understnad that you want time and space away and I am sorry for bothering you. In previous posts and texts I have tried to tell you how utterly sorry and devastated I am for doing what I did to you.
K, you have meant the world to me and I trampled on what I loved. I am so sorry for that and I wish I could take it back, but I can't, you can either move forward with or without me but, I love you. I just wish I could walk away from this pain I have but it is impossible to do. This will be my last writing post on here until things are set in stone as to what is going to happen between us.

I hope that one day I will be able to show you what I wish I did not do in the past. I would like to try and talk to you as to why I think I did the things I did but, that is on your schedule and not mine. If you could ever find it in your heart to forgive I know that I would never let you or myself down. You are such a great person and I would be honored if you stayed in my life.

I love you more than ever now for making me realize what I did. I apprecaite the smallest things that we had together.

You..

I like who you are..
What you are..
What you do..
Everything about you.
Why change when it is not you that is at fault? You are perfect the way you are.

My life

June 26

I sit here in a stark reminder of what you should not do to someone if you care about them. Never let them feel unappreciated and never take anything for granted. You are the person that is going to have to live with the daily pain of letting something so great get away from you. Sometimes that pain is so overwhelming it consumes your whole body and soul. Leaving you empty and void.

I took someone for granted. I thought we would be there together through things and grow older and closer. But instead things grew apart, I pushed her away, and forgot to tel her all to many times how much I really cared for in my heart. Like I have said time and time before, I am a human and have faults like anyone else. The faults do not become apparent until things have already hit rock bottom and I need a back hoe to dig myself out of the trench that has been dug by myself.

I know I was wrong now. I understand what went wrong. But, instead of walking away from two years of my life with someone that I saw grow up, that I grew to love unconditionally, no matter what we put each other through, I want to try and hold on to what could be and probably is the best thing to happen to me since I have set foot on this damn Georgia clay. She saw me through times in my life where I did not want to wake up to see the sun. Times when I could care less to even go to work.

I can remember the first day I saw her.

I had been working there for a couple of weeks and she was not there. One day I showed up for work and there was this new person at the door. Short little one with the cutest smile. The dimples on the side of her cheeks to make it even better. She was wearing these brown corduroy pants. Of course they where a hair to long for her, but because of her height she had no choice. She had a necklace in her hands that she constantly played with. I was actually nervous to talk to her and find out who she was. At the time I was in a relationship but for some reason this little woman caught my eye. I think Becky the manager introduced us to each other, or I said something to her about seating me more. It was then about two weeks later that we sat down for our first "talk". It was a Sunday afternoon and I was finished with my shift. I did not want to go home directly because I was having issues there so instead I would just stay a little while after work and watch some TV and relax. She joined me for dinner that Sunday afternoon. It ended up being more than two hours of sitting and talking in the boothe at chilli's. It was the summer of 2004, the summer before her senior year in high school.

Unlike other relationships that I had in the past, we actually started off as just friends. We would text back and fourth to each other and talk for hours upon hours. I was working two jobs then and going through a super difficult time in my life and she was there to support me and tell me differently. To tell me I was a good person and that there was no reason to be down on myself. We used to talk about her school and how things where going with her sports that she was so involved in.

Things eventually dissolved in the relationship that I was in for various reasons. We did not see eye to eye on some subjects and we both needed to grow up a little. I moved out on my own and tried to forget the only reason I was at that place in my life where I was. It was harder than expected. It was just not so easy to up and leave the emotions I had for her like I wanted to. I tried but A stayed on my back for a good long time.

I spent Christmas eve at her parents house. I had been really sick lately and the other stresses on my life had not been helping. When I came back from home from Christmas I was sent to the hospital. I was sicker than sick. I had lost 35 lbs at least and looked liked a skeleton, little did I know this was not he worst of it all. As I lay in the hospital for there days My family rushed down, K came over and I even had an old friend show up. Mattie. I was so scared at that point in time. They where telling me all sorts of things. I was later discharged three days later with noting conclusive found.

I was still sick. Sicker than anytime before in my life. Not only sick physically but mentally I had started the downward spiral into the deepest pit of my life. I never really let anyone know. I did not want people to know. I just know I did not want to carry on in this life anymore because I felt worthless. Two weeks after the hospital and seeing my blood sugar shoot to 330 I wanted a second opinion. I was told by the doctors at the hospital there was nothing wrong with me and I needed to seek help for the disorders I was making up. One visit to my new doctor and he told me what I did not want to hear.

"Plain and simple, you have diabetes."

WHAT?

Me active, hard-working, health aware me? The person who used to run 10 miles a day and not even think twice about it?
I was in denial. I could not believe that this was happening to me. I conjured up all shorts of bad thoughts in my head that went along with diabetes. I saw people di from this. I watch people have their feet taken away and limbs. Loosing their sight and feeling in their hands. I could not have this disorder no way. This was not happening to me.

I was then damaged...

That is exactly what my self image was of me. K was there for all of this. She used to tell me otherwise. She took it upon herself to go and research everything you could possibly know about diabetes and the treatments, the In's and out's of how it is caused. Everything that I was learning or had learned she wanted to learn.

She tried to help me the best she knew how. It worked. I slowly started to turn around. I slowly started accepting that it is OK to be like I was and though I still consider myself damaged, she accepted me for who I was all and all. She loved me already and I had no clue at the time.

By now I had named her my special K. Her name was so unique that I wanted to give her a name just from me. I was nervous about her age and what the consequences it would be for her getting involved with me.

Our friendship continued to grow. We started hanging out more and more just the two of us and I started to really think that I was an OK person. She took me in my first convertible ride, she went to Wal-Mart with me at all hours of the night when she could. We went bowling, and had a great time. I was loving it. I was starting to heal.

See things between us had not always been bad. I used to be so nice to her and care so much about her well being. I loved her then and I still do.

I watched her graduate from school, getting accepted into UGA and choosing that as a school. I was afraid that she would go to school and push me away leaving me broken again. I pushed her away. Just like I did to Sam so many years ago. We stayed in contact and actually tried keeping a good relationship going. We talked often saw each other on the weekends. I moved into another apartment by myself. I traveled to her dorm and bought her some carpet so she would not have to walk on cold floors. We spent as much time together as possible and grew close to each other.

I decided that I would go out and buy a house. She was there no matter what. I decided that we should take a break because I wanted her to try and have fun at college. It was her freshman year and I did not want to ruin it for her. All the new people and the new experiences. I tried to distance myself form her. It did not work. I came running right back to her.

Our relationship progressed and we lived and worked around the house. Now I was working a ton. My life became increasingly stressful. I could not deal with everything going on in my life. I did not realize what was happening. I was pushing this person who I loved and cared about away. I was not just pushing I was throwing it away. Before I knew it we where fighting and disagreeing over the smallest things.

I failed to realize what I had been doing. After weeks of taking the crap that I dished out, she left. she walked out of my life and has not let me in to talk or see her since. I have tried to respect what she has asked me to do but sometimes it is so hard.

I want to go to her and hold her, apologizing for doing what I did. I know she said I had two years to do this, I did I used to not all of those two years where bad. I never meant to hurt her. I never meant to do this to her.
I wrote this because I am at a loss for words on where to go. What to say and what to do.

Recently I had an illness that required a procedure to check and ensure that it was not a diabetic complication. I sat there in the waiting room wanting nothing but for her to be there with me. By my side comforting me and rubbing my back and scratching my head. she was always the best at reading me and I never realized that she had that ability. They rolled me into the examination room and I started freaking out. I normally do not do this.. This time was different. My cold mother was sitting in the waiting room and we had barely spoke that morning. She never offered me a word of comforting. I was not calm when I went in there.

I woke up feeling empty... more than just my stomach. I was empty all over. You know when you see a small string hanging from a button on your pants or shirt? You know what happens? The whole button falls of because you just unraveled the whole thread. The button is not held on by anything else than that little string. If you damage that string your in for even bigger struggle, unless you carrying a sewing kit along with you.

I will continue to respect your wishes and not drive up there, not call you and not email you.

Today

I just wanted to try and brighten your day. Thank you for putting up with me all you did. I hope I have the ability to be there for you just as much one day.

Recovery

I woke up a little bit ago. I do not think I have been able to sleep this much in a while. It took heavy sedation and being put to sleep for real to be able to do it though. After not eating for two days and just being able to drink water all yesterday I got to the hospital. I was doing ok until I got into the prep room. I was laying there in the hospital bed with a few minutes to think and I was just so worried. I rolled over and let them take me into te exam room and tried to relax as much as possible. When they put the oxygen in my nose internally I started freaking out. I was freaking out because this was totally different than anything I had been through before. This was not the normal crap I was used to. The anaesthesiologist was really concerned about my blood sugar because I was pretty low. Which is what he said he did not like. This procedure was way different than before and I was not liking it at all. My doctor came in and asked if I had any questions and that was it. They pushed in the stuff to put me to sleep.

I woke up a time later asking when it would begin and someone pushing on my stomach. That was it. My mother came in and they talked to her to instruct her what to do with me for the rest of the day. We made two stops on the way home. Hers was for McDonald's. Te smell from the food actually made me sick. The sound of her eating the hamburger she bought crunching in her mouth made me just want to vomit. I wanted to get out of the car as quickly as possible. Next thing I know I was
asleep.. I woke up on Peachtree not knowing how I got there at all. Dunno why she took that way home considering all the freaking stop lights.

I know we all have problems. I am very self aware of my health problems and get very worried about them. I just wish I did not have to obsess over food. I wish I did not have to watch what I ate and how I have to worry about the side effects of certain things. This is a certain aspect for me that I just see as a weakness, a weakness that I would not want anyone to help me with. Something I do not want to teach or show anyone else or have to explain all over again. But also I feel bad because this is always a monkey on my back and whatever I do in my life will be a monkey on someone else's back. Along with that now this might be heredity and passed on to any children I might have. That worries me like none other.

Yesterday when my mother and I broke down I realized how alone I am down here. I cannot just call someone up and have them run on over and help me or anyone out. I want a life. I want a family. I want to be able to come home to someone.

There is so much going on in my life right now I have to put some things on hold while I try and tend to other more important things. Trying to regain what I might have lost is the highest on my priority list. I am trying extremely hard to reconcile, but I am afraid there is not chance for me no matter how hard I try. I never give up easy and I will keep trying but I feel that as every day passes things will get more and more distant for her to me. Times will be replaced by other people friends will keep her occupied so she would not have a problem moving me right out of her heart.

All I ask is one more chance to try and make you happy. To try and bring your life together. Walk away from me next time.

What to sya..

He has already won your heart.. he took you to dance lessons something I am not able to do... He has already pulled your attention away from me. I can only sit down and talk to you and tell you and try and show you that I can. That I want another try to show you that I do care.
I have been the biggest letdwon in your life and I am sorry. All I can do is ask for forgiveness and see if you accept it. Asl to see if I can show you that I do care. But, if he has already pulled your attention toward him enough to walk away from me then he is a much better man than I am. I am going to be 110% honest with you right now. He is there where you are, he has the ability to do things that I cannot in your life, therefore he has the upper hand. I can only tell you right now how I feel about you. How sorry I am about everything I did.
He has the ability to be by you all week and weekend long, I have the ability to only love you and tell you I love youin so many ways, but being that close he wil always win.
K, I can only tell you about the felings that I have for you and only have been made more apparent by your absense. By the feeligns I have gone through thinking about you. Even as I sit here righ now I cannot even type this because I am shaking so bad. There was so much I wanted to show you this weekend, and last. I wanted to snatch you up and wisper I am sorry over and over again.

You have seen me though health and sickness. You watched me work for everything I have and wanted to share with you. All I can do is write this to tell you how sorry I am for doing what I did. I just wish I knew what I was doing to push you away far enough that someone else would grab your attention, someone would make you happy.
I know actions speak louder than words, but all I have right now is words. Just whatever you do please be happy, I truely want that for you more than anything. If it means breaking my heart then so be it, I can only tell you what I have learned about my feelings for you and let you think about that. But, I have always had you in my heart. You where there, I just never let you know. I let the moments pass us by over and over andnever realized it. I never grabbed your hand when I should have, never pulled you in tighter to me and hugged you like I should have. I FAILED. For the first time I can remember I failed and did it with you.

I want to see and touch you so bad it physically hurts.

Whoever you choose or whichever direction you choose to go I understnad. I was a bad person. All I can do is tell you I understnad what you want and need now. Most likely it is already to late. I just want one more chance to show you that you are the important person in my life and I do love you and care for you. I am not afraid to stand on a chair in the middle of a crowded room and profess that anymore. I want to show you but understnad you are trying to walk away from me. I know this. I know that I care about you and the time we spent together. I am so sorry I never showed that to you before. I know you have told me you are done with me and understnad, but I am trying to tell you before you slip away that I was wrong and I want to try and make it right.

Crap

Today was a very shitty day.. literally.. I will be in the hospital tomorrow for the procedure and I have not been able to eat anything all day today except sugar Free jello.. When it was cold for the 10 mins we had it. I picked up the photos I wanted printed from the store and they lost half of my order. So I will spend the better part of my day on the couch tracking down my online orders.

I wanted to look at a new couch to try and make more seating in the house. My mother and I drove all the way to Northpoint mall to the nearest Haverty's and shopped around there. Come out from haverty's and her car will not start. Lovely. So we walk over to MARTA and take that back all the way from the north side of town. Get in my car and brave the game traffic. We drive up there I install a new car battery then it is off to Auto zone to be tested. We took it over to Auto zone and had the alternator tested... Mr. Mechanic fixed it right. All it needed was a battery. I am glad about that but now my whole day of laying on the couch trying not to be active has been blown. I am extremely weak from everything and now I am having to constantly go to the bathroom.

I wish I could calm down and just relax but with everything that has been going on lately I just cannot. I cannot get things or thoughts out of my head. I cannot get images and emotions out to anyone. It really just sucks.

I have to start learning how to live my life over again without K. I just cannot get that out of my head. I cannot imagine nor did I ever think I would have to imagine this. Life without her. I have gone through this before but I saw it coming tat time. I knew what was around the bend. This time. It was just there. It is so hard to do. I do not want it to happen but, it is what she wants. She does not want or need me anymore in her life. I must keep telling myself that. I have to get used to all this. She is gone.

Musings

Everywhere I turn I never realized how much you where there. I know now. I am thankful and grateful that you where there. I hope you are not hurting like I am, and that you are happy with whoever or whatever you are doing. I truly miss what I had. I feel like I have lost a lot without you. I keep finding myself reading the email over and over..

"I realized that you are not the guy for me; and I am sure that you will find the perfect girl for you. We are just not the right fit."

I have nothing else to do but write here. I really hate myself right now and what happened. I think I am harder on myself than anything. It is all my fault for not realizing what was going on. I did not realize the full extent of it all.


We all have had to make choices based off of what we want in life. People can give advice and try to help you but ultimately you have to make the choice and live with the after effects.

I will have to live with these after effects for a while. I am really just taking this hard. I know one thing is that I fucked upped royally and will never get a chance to repair any of the damage. That is something I am going to have to live with the rest of my life. The only thing I can do now is respect her wishes. I hate myself right now.

Why does such a simple flower make someone so happy? I guess it signifies how simple of a thing it was. Love. It was as simple as that. I failed to miss it.

I know what I miss...

Actions

I realize that actions speak louder than words.
I sort of understand now what was going on. I know that second chances are not something easy to come by.

This is a picture of the moon from last night. I am going to learn how to bring it more into focus. Not bad for a first timer though.

This morning

I climbed on the roof to get this picture. I could pace up their no problem.

I have been working on getting this rose bush to bloom. This is the first bloom. It will stay where it is at until it can be claimed.

I planted these Daisies back in Feburary. They are taking their time in blooming. These are also for someone else. I ope they are claimed.