June 26
I sit here in a stark reminder of what you should not do to someone if you care about them. Never let them feel unappreciated and never take anything for granted. You are the person that is going to have to live with the daily pain of letting something so great get away from you. Sometimes that pain is so overwhelming it consumes your whole body and soul. Leaving you empty and void.
I took someone for granted. I thought we would be there together through things and grow older and closer. But instead things grew apart, I pushed her away, and forgot to tel her all to many times how much I really cared for in my heart. Like I have said time and time before, I am a human and have faults like anyone else. The faults do not become apparent until things have already hit rock bottom and I need a back hoe to dig myself out of the trench that has been dug by myself.
I know I was wrong now. I understand what went wrong. But, instead of walking away from two years of my life with someone that I saw grow up, that I grew to love unconditionally, no matter what we put each other through, I want to try and hold on to what could be and probably is the best thing to happen to me since I have set foot on this damn Georgia clay. She saw me through times in my life where I did not want to wake up to see the sun. Times when I could care less to even go to work.
I can remember the first day I saw her.
I had been working there for a couple of weeks and she was not there. One day I showed up for work and there was this new person at the door. Short little one with the cutest smile. The dimples on the side of her cheeks to make it even better. She was wearing these brown corduroy pants. Of course they where a hair to long for her, but because of her height she had no choice. She had a necklace in her hands that she constantly played with. I was actually nervous to talk to her and find out who she was. At the time I was in a relationship but for some reason this little woman caught my eye. I think Becky the manager introduced us to each other, or I said something to her about seating me more. It was then about two weeks later that we sat down for our first "talk". It was a Sunday afternoon and I was finished with my shift. I did not want to go home directly because I was having issues there so instead I would just stay a little while after work and watch some TV and relax. She joined me for dinner that Sunday afternoon. It ended up being more than two hours of sitting and talking in the boothe at chilli's. It was the summer of 2004, the summer before her senior year in high school.
Unlike other relationships that I had in the past, we actually started off as just friends. We would text back and fourth to each other and talk for hours upon hours. I was working two jobs then and going through a super difficult time in my life and she was there to support me and tell me differently. To tell me I was a good person and that there was no reason to be down on myself. We used to talk about her school and how things where going with her sports that she was so involved in.
Things eventually dissolved in the relationship that I was in for various reasons. We did not see eye to eye on some subjects and we both needed to grow up a little. I moved out on my own and tried to forget the only reason I was at that place in my life where I was. It was harder than expected. It was just not so easy to up and leave the emotions I had for her like I wanted to. I tried but A stayed on my back for a good long time.
I spent Christmas eve at her parents house. I had been really sick lately and the other stresses on my life had not been helping. When I came back from home from Christmas I was sent to the hospital. I was sicker than sick. I had lost 35 lbs at least and looked liked a skeleton, little did I know this was not he worst of it all. As I lay in the hospital for there days My family rushed down, K came over and I even had an old friend show up. Mattie. I was so scared at that point in time. They where telling me all sorts of things. I was later discharged three days later with noting conclusive found.
I was still sick. Sicker than anytime before in my life. Not only sick physically but mentally I had started the downward spiral into the deepest pit of my life. I never really let anyone know. I did not want people to know. I just know I did not want to carry on in this life anymore because I felt worthless. Two weeks after the hospital and seeing my blood sugar shoot to 330 I wanted a second opinion. I was told by the doctors at the hospital there was nothing wrong with me and I needed to seek help for the disorders I was making up. One visit to my new doctor and he told me what I did not want to hear.
"Plain and simple, you have diabetes."
WHAT?
Me active, hard-working, health aware me? The person who used to run 10 miles a day and not even think twice about it?
I was in denial. I could not believe that this was happening to me. I conjured up all shorts of bad thoughts in my head that went along with diabetes. I saw people di from this. I watch people have their feet taken away and limbs. Loosing their sight and feeling in their hands. I could not have this disorder no way. This was not happening to me.
I was then damaged...
That is exactly what my self image was of me. K was there for all of this. She used to tell me otherwise. She took it upon herself to go and research everything you could possibly know about diabetes and the treatments, the In's and out's of how it is caused. Everything that I was learning or had learned she wanted to learn.
She tried to help me the best she knew how. It worked. I slowly started to turn around. I slowly started accepting that it is OK to be like I was and though I still consider myself damaged, she accepted me for who I was all and all. She loved me already and I had no clue at the time.
By now I had named her my special K. Her name was so unique that I wanted to give her a name just from me. I was nervous about her age and what the consequences it would be for her getting involved with me.
Our friendship continued to grow. We started hanging out more and more just the two of us and I started to really think that I was an OK person. She took me in my first convertible ride, she went to Wal-Mart with me at all hours of the night when she could. We went bowling, and had a great time. I was loving it. I was starting to heal.
See things between us had not always been bad. I used to be so nice to her and care so much about her well being. I loved her then and I still do.
I watched her graduate from school, getting accepted into UGA and choosing that as a school. I was afraid that she would go to school and push me away leaving me broken again. I pushed her away. Just like I did to Sam so many years ago. We stayed in contact and actually tried keeping a good relationship going. We talked often saw each other on the weekends. I moved into another apartment by myself. I traveled to her dorm and bought her some carpet so she would not have to walk on cold floors. We spent as much time together as possible and grew close to each other.
I decided that I would go out and buy a house. She was there no matter what. I decided that we should take a break because I wanted her to try and have fun at college. It was her freshman year and I did not want to ruin it for her. All the new people and the new experiences. I tried to distance myself form her. It did not work. I came running right back to her.
Our relationship progressed and we lived and worked around the house. Now I was working a ton. My life became increasingly stressful. I could not deal with everything going on in my life. I did not realize what was happening. I was pushing this person who I loved and cared about away. I was not just pushing I was throwing it away. Before I knew it we where fighting and disagreeing over the smallest things.
I failed to realize what I had been doing. After weeks of taking the crap that I dished out, she left. she walked out of my life and has not let me in to talk or see her since. I have tried to respect what she has asked me to do but sometimes it is so hard.
I want to go to her and hold her, apologizing for doing what I did. I know she said I had two years to do this, I did I used to not all of those two years where bad. I never meant to hurt her. I never meant to do this to her.
I wrote this because I am at a loss for words on where to go. What to say and what to do.
Recently I had an illness that required a procedure to check and ensure that it was not a diabetic complication. I sat there in the waiting room wanting nothing but for her to be there with me. By my side comforting me and rubbing my back and scratching my head. she was always the best at reading me and I never realized that she had that ability. They rolled me into the examination room and I started freaking out. I normally do not do this.. This time was different. My cold mother was sitting in the waiting room and we had barely spoke that morning. She never offered me a word of comforting. I was not calm when I went in there.
I woke up feeling empty... more than just my stomach. I was empty all over. You know when you see a small string hanging from a button on your pants or shirt? You know what happens? The whole button falls of because you just unraveled the whole thread. The button is not held on by anything else than that little string. If you damage that string your in for even bigger struggle, unless you carrying a sewing kit along with you.
I will continue to respect your wishes and not drive up there, not call you and not email you.
I sit here in a stark reminder of what you should not do to someone if you care about them. Never let them feel unappreciated and never take anything for granted. You are the person that is going to have to live with the daily pain of letting something so great get away from you. Sometimes that pain is so overwhelming it consumes your whole body and soul. Leaving you empty and void.
I took someone for granted. I thought we would be there together through things and grow older and closer. But instead things grew apart, I pushed her away, and forgot to tel her all to many times how much I really cared for in my heart. Like I have said time and time before, I am a human and have faults like anyone else. The faults do not become apparent until things have already hit rock bottom and I need a back hoe to dig myself out of the trench that has been dug by myself.
I know I was wrong now. I understand what went wrong. But, instead of walking away from two years of my life with someone that I saw grow up, that I grew to love unconditionally, no matter what we put each other through, I want to try and hold on to what could be and probably is the best thing to happen to me since I have set foot on this damn Georgia clay. She saw me through times in my life where I did not want to wake up to see the sun. Times when I could care less to even go to work.
I can remember the first day I saw her.
I had been working there for a couple of weeks and she was not there. One day I showed up for work and there was this new person at the door. Short little one with the cutest smile. The dimples on the side of her cheeks to make it even better. She was wearing these brown corduroy pants. Of course they where a hair to long for her, but because of her height she had no choice. She had a necklace in her hands that she constantly played with. I was actually nervous to talk to her and find out who she was. At the time I was in a relationship but for some reason this little woman caught my eye. I think Becky the manager introduced us to each other, or I said something to her about seating me more. It was then about two weeks later that we sat down for our first "talk". It was a Sunday afternoon and I was finished with my shift. I did not want to go home directly because I was having issues there so instead I would just stay a little while after work and watch some TV and relax. She joined me for dinner that Sunday afternoon. It ended up being more than two hours of sitting and talking in the boothe at chilli's. It was the summer of 2004, the summer before her senior year in high school.
Unlike other relationships that I had in the past, we actually started off as just friends. We would text back and fourth to each other and talk for hours upon hours. I was working two jobs then and going through a super difficult time in my life and she was there to support me and tell me differently. To tell me I was a good person and that there was no reason to be down on myself. We used to talk about her school and how things where going with her sports that she was so involved in.
Things eventually dissolved in the relationship that I was in for various reasons. We did not see eye to eye on some subjects and we both needed to grow up a little. I moved out on my own and tried to forget the only reason I was at that place in my life where I was. It was harder than expected. It was just not so easy to up and leave the emotions I had for her like I wanted to. I tried but A stayed on my back for a good long time.
I spent Christmas eve at her parents house. I had been really sick lately and the other stresses on my life had not been helping. When I came back from home from Christmas I was sent to the hospital. I was sicker than sick. I had lost 35 lbs at least and looked liked a skeleton, little did I know this was not he worst of it all. As I lay in the hospital for there days My family rushed down, K came over and I even had an old friend show up. Mattie. I was so scared at that point in time. They where telling me all sorts of things. I was later discharged three days later with noting conclusive found.
I was still sick. Sicker than anytime before in my life. Not only sick physically but mentally I had started the downward spiral into the deepest pit of my life. I never really let anyone know. I did not want people to know. I just know I did not want to carry on in this life anymore because I felt worthless. Two weeks after the hospital and seeing my blood sugar shoot to 330 I wanted a second opinion. I was told by the doctors at the hospital there was nothing wrong with me and I needed to seek help for the disorders I was making up. One visit to my new doctor and he told me what I did not want to hear.
"Plain and simple, you have diabetes."
WHAT?
Me active, hard-working, health aware me? The person who used to run 10 miles a day and not even think twice about it?
I was in denial. I could not believe that this was happening to me. I conjured up all shorts of bad thoughts in my head that went along with diabetes. I saw people di from this. I watch people have their feet taken away and limbs. Loosing their sight and feeling in their hands. I could not have this disorder no way. This was not happening to me.
I was then damaged...
That is exactly what my self image was of me. K was there for all of this. She used to tell me otherwise. She took it upon herself to go and research everything you could possibly know about diabetes and the treatments, the In's and out's of how it is caused. Everything that I was learning or had learned she wanted to learn.
She tried to help me the best she knew how. It worked. I slowly started to turn around. I slowly started accepting that it is OK to be like I was and though I still consider myself damaged, she accepted me for who I was all and all. She loved me already and I had no clue at the time.
By now I had named her my special K. Her name was so unique that I wanted to give her a name just from me. I was nervous about her age and what the consequences it would be for her getting involved with me.
Our friendship continued to grow. We started hanging out more and more just the two of us and I started to really think that I was an OK person. She took me in my first convertible ride, she went to Wal-Mart with me at all hours of the night when she could. We went bowling, and had a great time. I was loving it. I was starting to heal.
See things between us had not always been bad. I used to be so nice to her and care so much about her well being. I loved her then and I still do.
I watched her graduate from school, getting accepted into UGA and choosing that as a school. I was afraid that she would go to school and push me away leaving me broken again. I pushed her away. Just like I did to Sam so many years ago. We stayed in contact and actually tried keeping a good relationship going. We talked often saw each other on the weekends. I moved into another apartment by myself. I traveled to her dorm and bought her some carpet so she would not have to walk on cold floors. We spent as much time together as possible and grew close to each other.
I decided that I would go out and buy a house. She was there no matter what. I decided that we should take a break because I wanted her to try and have fun at college. It was her freshman year and I did not want to ruin it for her. All the new people and the new experiences. I tried to distance myself form her. It did not work. I came running right back to her.
Our relationship progressed and we lived and worked around the house. Now I was working a ton. My life became increasingly stressful. I could not deal with everything going on in my life. I did not realize what was happening. I was pushing this person who I loved and cared about away. I was not just pushing I was throwing it away. Before I knew it we where fighting and disagreeing over the smallest things.
I failed to realize what I had been doing. After weeks of taking the crap that I dished out, she left. she walked out of my life and has not let me in to talk or see her since. I have tried to respect what she has asked me to do but sometimes it is so hard.
I want to go to her and hold her, apologizing for doing what I did. I know she said I had two years to do this, I did I used to not all of those two years where bad. I never meant to hurt her. I never meant to do this to her.
I wrote this because I am at a loss for words on where to go. What to say and what to do.
Recently I had an illness that required a procedure to check and ensure that it was not a diabetic complication. I sat there in the waiting room wanting nothing but for her to be there with me. By my side comforting me and rubbing my back and scratching my head. she was always the best at reading me and I never realized that she had that ability. They rolled me into the examination room and I started freaking out. I normally do not do this.. This time was different. My cold mother was sitting in the waiting room and we had barely spoke that morning. She never offered me a word of comforting. I was not calm when I went in there.
I woke up feeling empty... more than just my stomach. I was empty all over. You know when you see a small string hanging from a button on your pants or shirt? You know what happens? The whole button falls of because you just unraveled the whole thread. The button is not held on by anything else than that little string. If you damage that string your in for even bigger struggle, unless you carrying a sewing kit along with you.
I will continue to respect your wishes and not drive up there, not call you and not email you.
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