I stared at these today and had no better use for them. I thought all this hard work must be appreciated by someone.

It is amazing who you turn to talk to when you are in need. As though this is the neighborhood guy that scrapes by doing yardwork he does have some very profound information. He helped me. "Damn Chris!" is his favorite quote he likes to tell me.

...

Sometimes when you look so hard at something we begin to think things in the worst way, only because we cannot give ourselve a good explanation.

Woof.

Your camera smells funny..

What a proper dog sitting there.

Hello Daddy...

During the rain.

This just taken before the rain.

The first mini rose to bloom.

This is such a great shot. In this photo you have all three stages of life. If you look at it my way.
You have the birth of a rose to the bottom right just before it starts to show it's beauty.
Then you have the maturing rose on the bottom left.
The third rose is in teh aged and death stage of its life. The petals will fall of shortly and be left a bud to reproduce more roses like these.

This is the same rose from the previous picture.

Not bad for being at 4 in the morning working.

This was last friday night after work.. I drove around for a while.

Waiting for me at the bottom of the steps.

My mother and I walking to Marta when her car broke down.

AH yes, walking to the lovely MARTA on a 100 degree day.

Here comes our train. This is as we rush down to catch it before it leaves and the 45 minute ride home.

Time to think..

I have told you what has been heavy on my heart. I understnad that you want time and space away and I am sorry for bothering you. In previous posts and texts I have tried to tell you how utterly sorry and devastated I am for doing what I did to you.
K, you have meant the world to me and I trampled on what I loved. I am so sorry for that and I wish I could take it back, but I can't, you can either move forward with or without me but, I love you. I just wish I could walk away from this pain I have but it is impossible to do. This will be my last writing post on here until things are set in stone as to what is going to happen between us.

I hope that one day I will be able to show you what I wish I did not do in the past. I would like to try and talk to you as to why I think I did the things I did but, that is on your schedule and not mine. If you could ever find it in your heart to forgive I know that I would never let you or myself down. You are such a great person and I would be honored if you stayed in my life.

I love you more than ever now for making me realize what I did. I apprecaite the smallest things that we had together.

You..

I like who you are..
What you are..
What you do..
Everything about you.
Why change when it is not you that is at fault? You are perfect the way you are.

My life

June 26

I sit here in a stark reminder of what you should not do to someone if you care about them. Never let them feel unappreciated and never take anything for granted. You are the person that is going to have to live with the daily pain of letting something so great get away from you. Sometimes that pain is so overwhelming it consumes your whole body and soul. Leaving you empty and void.

I took someone for granted. I thought we would be there together through things and grow older and closer. But instead things grew apart, I pushed her away, and forgot to tel her all to many times how much I really cared for in my heart. Like I have said time and time before, I am a human and have faults like anyone else. The faults do not become apparent until things have already hit rock bottom and I need a back hoe to dig myself out of the trench that has been dug by myself.

I know I was wrong now. I understand what went wrong. But, instead of walking away from two years of my life with someone that I saw grow up, that I grew to love unconditionally, no matter what we put each other through, I want to try and hold on to what could be and probably is the best thing to happen to me since I have set foot on this damn Georgia clay. She saw me through times in my life where I did not want to wake up to see the sun. Times when I could care less to even go to work.

I can remember the first day I saw her.

I had been working there for a couple of weeks and she was not there. One day I showed up for work and there was this new person at the door. Short little one with the cutest smile. The dimples on the side of her cheeks to make it even better. She was wearing these brown corduroy pants. Of course they where a hair to long for her, but because of her height she had no choice. She had a necklace in her hands that she constantly played with. I was actually nervous to talk to her and find out who she was. At the time I was in a relationship but for some reason this little woman caught my eye. I think Becky the manager introduced us to each other, or I said something to her about seating me more. It was then about two weeks later that we sat down for our first "talk". It was a Sunday afternoon and I was finished with my shift. I did not want to go home directly because I was having issues there so instead I would just stay a little while after work and watch some TV and relax. She joined me for dinner that Sunday afternoon. It ended up being more than two hours of sitting and talking in the boothe at chilli's. It was the summer of 2004, the summer before her senior year in high school.

Unlike other relationships that I had in the past, we actually started off as just friends. We would text back and fourth to each other and talk for hours upon hours. I was working two jobs then and going through a super difficult time in my life and she was there to support me and tell me differently. To tell me I was a good person and that there was no reason to be down on myself. We used to talk about her school and how things where going with her sports that she was so involved in.

Things eventually dissolved in the relationship that I was in for various reasons. We did not see eye to eye on some subjects and we both needed to grow up a little. I moved out on my own and tried to forget the only reason I was at that place in my life where I was. It was harder than expected. It was just not so easy to up and leave the emotions I had for her like I wanted to. I tried but A stayed on my back for a good long time.

I spent Christmas eve at her parents house. I had been really sick lately and the other stresses on my life had not been helping. When I came back from home from Christmas I was sent to the hospital. I was sicker than sick. I had lost 35 lbs at least and looked liked a skeleton, little did I know this was not he worst of it all. As I lay in the hospital for there days My family rushed down, K came over and I even had an old friend show up. Mattie. I was so scared at that point in time. They where telling me all sorts of things. I was later discharged three days later with noting conclusive found.

I was still sick. Sicker than anytime before in my life. Not only sick physically but mentally I had started the downward spiral into the deepest pit of my life. I never really let anyone know. I did not want people to know. I just know I did not want to carry on in this life anymore because I felt worthless. Two weeks after the hospital and seeing my blood sugar shoot to 330 I wanted a second opinion. I was told by the doctors at the hospital there was nothing wrong with me and I needed to seek help for the disorders I was making up. One visit to my new doctor and he told me what I did not want to hear.

"Plain and simple, you have diabetes."

WHAT?

Me active, hard-working, health aware me? The person who used to run 10 miles a day and not even think twice about it?
I was in denial. I could not believe that this was happening to me. I conjured up all shorts of bad thoughts in my head that went along with diabetes. I saw people di from this. I watch people have their feet taken away and limbs. Loosing their sight and feeling in their hands. I could not have this disorder no way. This was not happening to me.

I was then damaged...

That is exactly what my self image was of me. K was there for all of this. She used to tell me otherwise. She took it upon herself to go and research everything you could possibly know about diabetes and the treatments, the In's and out's of how it is caused. Everything that I was learning or had learned she wanted to learn.

She tried to help me the best she knew how. It worked. I slowly started to turn around. I slowly started accepting that it is OK to be like I was and though I still consider myself damaged, she accepted me for who I was all and all. She loved me already and I had no clue at the time.

By now I had named her my special K. Her name was so unique that I wanted to give her a name just from me. I was nervous about her age and what the consequences it would be for her getting involved with me.

Our friendship continued to grow. We started hanging out more and more just the two of us and I started to really think that I was an OK person. She took me in my first convertible ride, she went to Wal-Mart with me at all hours of the night when she could. We went bowling, and had a great time. I was loving it. I was starting to heal.

See things between us had not always been bad. I used to be so nice to her and care so much about her well being. I loved her then and I still do.

I watched her graduate from school, getting accepted into UGA and choosing that as a school. I was afraid that she would go to school and push me away leaving me broken again. I pushed her away. Just like I did to Sam so many years ago. We stayed in contact and actually tried keeping a good relationship going. We talked often saw each other on the weekends. I moved into another apartment by myself. I traveled to her dorm and bought her some carpet so she would not have to walk on cold floors. We spent as much time together as possible and grew close to each other.

I decided that I would go out and buy a house. She was there no matter what. I decided that we should take a break because I wanted her to try and have fun at college. It was her freshman year and I did not want to ruin it for her. All the new people and the new experiences. I tried to distance myself form her. It did not work. I came running right back to her.

Our relationship progressed and we lived and worked around the house. Now I was working a ton. My life became increasingly stressful. I could not deal with everything going on in my life. I did not realize what was happening. I was pushing this person who I loved and cared about away. I was not just pushing I was throwing it away. Before I knew it we where fighting and disagreeing over the smallest things.

I failed to realize what I had been doing. After weeks of taking the crap that I dished out, she left. she walked out of my life and has not let me in to talk or see her since. I have tried to respect what she has asked me to do but sometimes it is so hard.

I want to go to her and hold her, apologizing for doing what I did. I know she said I had two years to do this, I did I used to not all of those two years where bad. I never meant to hurt her. I never meant to do this to her.
I wrote this because I am at a loss for words on where to go. What to say and what to do.

Recently I had an illness that required a procedure to check and ensure that it was not a diabetic complication. I sat there in the waiting room wanting nothing but for her to be there with me. By my side comforting me and rubbing my back and scratching my head. she was always the best at reading me and I never realized that she had that ability. They rolled me into the examination room and I started freaking out. I normally do not do this.. This time was different. My cold mother was sitting in the waiting room and we had barely spoke that morning. She never offered me a word of comforting. I was not calm when I went in there.

I woke up feeling empty... more than just my stomach. I was empty all over. You know when you see a small string hanging from a button on your pants or shirt? You know what happens? The whole button falls of because you just unraveled the whole thread. The button is not held on by anything else than that little string. If you damage that string your in for even bigger struggle, unless you carrying a sewing kit along with you.

I will continue to respect your wishes and not drive up there, not call you and not email you.

Today

I just wanted to try and brighten your day. Thank you for putting up with me all you did. I hope I have the ability to be there for you just as much one day.

Recovery

I woke up a little bit ago. I do not think I have been able to sleep this much in a while. It took heavy sedation and being put to sleep for real to be able to do it though. After not eating for two days and just being able to drink water all yesterday I got to the hospital. I was doing ok until I got into the prep room. I was laying there in the hospital bed with a few minutes to think and I was just so worried. I rolled over and let them take me into te exam room and tried to relax as much as possible. When they put the oxygen in my nose internally I started freaking out. I was freaking out because this was totally different than anything I had been through before. This was not the normal crap I was used to. The anaesthesiologist was really concerned about my blood sugar because I was pretty low. Which is what he said he did not like. This procedure was way different than before and I was not liking it at all. My doctor came in and asked if I had any questions and that was it. They pushed in the stuff to put me to sleep.

I woke up a time later asking when it would begin and someone pushing on my stomach. That was it. My mother came in and they talked to her to instruct her what to do with me for the rest of the day. We made two stops on the way home. Hers was for McDonald's. Te smell from the food actually made me sick. The sound of her eating the hamburger she bought crunching in her mouth made me just want to vomit. I wanted to get out of the car as quickly as possible. Next thing I know I was
asleep.. I woke up on Peachtree not knowing how I got there at all. Dunno why she took that way home considering all the freaking stop lights.

I know we all have problems. I am very self aware of my health problems and get very worried about them. I just wish I did not have to obsess over food. I wish I did not have to watch what I ate and how I have to worry about the side effects of certain things. This is a certain aspect for me that I just see as a weakness, a weakness that I would not want anyone to help me with. Something I do not want to teach or show anyone else or have to explain all over again. But also I feel bad because this is always a monkey on my back and whatever I do in my life will be a monkey on someone else's back. Along with that now this might be heredity and passed on to any children I might have. That worries me like none other.

Yesterday when my mother and I broke down I realized how alone I am down here. I cannot just call someone up and have them run on over and help me or anyone out. I want a life. I want a family. I want to be able to come home to someone.

There is so much going on in my life right now I have to put some things on hold while I try and tend to other more important things. Trying to regain what I might have lost is the highest on my priority list. I am trying extremely hard to reconcile, but I am afraid there is not chance for me no matter how hard I try. I never give up easy and I will keep trying but I feel that as every day passes things will get more and more distant for her to me. Times will be replaced by other people friends will keep her occupied so she would not have a problem moving me right out of her heart.

All I ask is one more chance to try and make you happy. To try and bring your life together. Walk away from me next time.

What to sya..

He has already won your heart.. he took you to dance lessons something I am not able to do... He has already pulled your attention away from me. I can only sit down and talk to you and tell you and try and show you that I can. That I want another try to show you that I do care.
I have been the biggest letdwon in your life and I am sorry. All I can do is ask for forgiveness and see if you accept it. Asl to see if I can show you that I do care. But, if he has already pulled your attention toward him enough to walk away from me then he is a much better man than I am. I am going to be 110% honest with you right now. He is there where you are, he has the ability to do things that I cannot in your life, therefore he has the upper hand. I can only tell you right now how I feel about you. How sorry I am about everything I did.
He has the ability to be by you all week and weekend long, I have the ability to only love you and tell you I love youin so many ways, but being that close he wil always win.
K, I can only tell you about the felings that I have for you and only have been made more apparent by your absense. By the feeligns I have gone through thinking about you. Even as I sit here righ now I cannot even type this because I am shaking so bad. There was so much I wanted to show you this weekend, and last. I wanted to snatch you up and wisper I am sorry over and over again.

You have seen me though health and sickness. You watched me work for everything I have and wanted to share with you. All I can do is write this to tell you how sorry I am for doing what I did. I just wish I knew what I was doing to push you away far enough that someone else would grab your attention, someone would make you happy.
I know actions speak louder than words, but all I have right now is words. Just whatever you do please be happy, I truely want that for you more than anything. If it means breaking my heart then so be it, I can only tell you what I have learned about my feelings for you and let you think about that. But, I have always had you in my heart. You where there, I just never let you know. I let the moments pass us by over and over andnever realized it. I never grabbed your hand when I should have, never pulled you in tighter to me and hugged you like I should have. I FAILED. For the first time I can remember I failed and did it with you.

I want to see and touch you so bad it physically hurts.

Whoever you choose or whichever direction you choose to go I understnad. I was a bad person. All I can do is tell you I understnad what you want and need now. Most likely it is already to late. I just want one more chance to show you that you are the important person in my life and I do love you and care for you. I am not afraid to stand on a chair in the middle of a crowded room and profess that anymore. I want to show you but understnad you are trying to walk away from me. I know this. I know that I care about you and the time we spent together. I am so sorry I never showed that to you before. I know you have told me you are done with me and understnad, but I am trying to tell you before you slip away that I was wrong and I want to try and make it right.

Crap

Today was a very shitty day.. literally.. I will be in the hospital tomorrow for the procedure and I have not been able to eat anything all day today except sugar Free jello.. When it was cold for the 10 mins we had it. I picked up the photos I wanted printed from the store and they lost half of my order. So I will spend the better part of my day on the couch tracking down my online orders.

I wanted to look at a new couch to try and make more seating in the house. My mother and I drove all the way to Northpoint mall to the nearest Haverty's and shopped around there. Come out from haverty's and her car will not start. Lovely. So we walk over to MARTA and take that back all the way from the north side of town. Get in my car and brave the game traffic. We drive up there I install a new car battery then it is off to Auto zone to be tested. We took it over to Auto zone and had the alternator tested... Mr. Mechanic fixed it right. All it needed was a battery. I am glad about that but now my whole day of laying on the couch trying not to be active has been blown. I am extremely weak from everything and now I am having to constantly go to the bathroom.

I wish I could calm down and just relax but with everything that has been going on lately I just cannot. I cannot get things or thoughts out of my head. I cannot get images and emotions out to anyone. It really just sucks.

I have to start learning how to live my life over again without K. I just cannot get that out of my head. I cannot imagine nor did I ever think I would have to imagine this. Life without her. I have gone through this before but I saw it coming tat time. I knew what was around the bend. This time. It was just there. It is so hard to do. I do not want it to happen but, it is what she wants. She does not want or need me anymore in her life. I must keep telling myself that. I have to get used to all this. She is gone.

Musings

Everywhere I turn I never realized how much you where there. I know now. I am thankful and grateful that you where there. I hope you are not hurting like I am, and that you are happy with whoever or whatever you are doing. I truly miss what I had. I feel like I have lost a lot without you. I keep finding myself reading the email over and over..

"I realized that you are not the guy for me; and I am sure that you will find the perfect girl for you. We are just not the right fit."

I have nothing else to do but write here. I really hate myself right now and what happened. I think I am harder on myself than anything. It is all my fault for not realizing what was going on. I did not realize the full extent of it all.


We all have had to make choices based off of what we want in life. People can give advice and try to help you but ultimately you have to make the choice and live with the after effects.

I will have to live with these after effects for a while. I am really just taking this hard. I know one thing is that I fucked upped royally and will never get a chance to repair any of the damage. That is something I am going to have to live with the rest of my life. The only thing I can do now is respect her wishes. I hate myself right now.

Why does such a simple flower make someone so happy? I guess it signifies how simple of a thing it was. Love. It was as simple as that. I failed to miss it.

I know what I miss...

Actions

I realize that actions speak louder than words.
I sort of understand now what was going on. I know that second chances are not something easy to come by.

This is a picture of the moon from last night. I am going to learn how to bring it more into focus. Not bad for a first timer though.

This morning

I climbed on the roof to get this picture. I could pace up their no problem.

I have been working on getting this rose bush to bloom. This is the first bloom. It will stay where it is at until it can be claimed.

I planted these Daisies back in Feburary. They are taking their time in blooming. These are also for someone else. I ope they are claimed.

My buddy. "HEY BUDDY"

The roses I planted to give to someone.

New things in life

I have decided to try and keep my writings. I find that it does not matter what I say or do so I am going to kind of start from new from this point on.
This will be a photo essay of sorts of my life. I will always need a place to turn to and have the ability to say what I want and what I need. These are my words and my pictures from my perspective. This is how I see it and I guess that is all that matters now in my life. I must quit... I really must quit ***...

My life has changed so much in the past couple of weeks.. People are going to be shocked and amazed and the changes coming. I just do not want to hurt anymore.

He is such a goober slobber noggin. saber is beside him wanting to play ball.