So i am stil sitting my happy ass in the hospital...
Doing really nothing but seeing the death and destruction of the tidal wave...
Doctors really arguing over what is wrong with my health and trying to figure out what is happening to my body..
It is literally tearing my body apart though..
The constant rollercoaster ride of my blood sugar..
It is bewildering the doctors.. along with me...
I have had some nice nurses though..
Treatment is good but the first day they where starving me and now they are bringing me all kinds of food at my requests..
I missed work and the holiday pay..
Which sucks I think i will call my insurance agent to take advantage of my life insurance loss of income part...
This I have been told is something the will be chronic..
Whether diabetes or not...
I just want to go home and be by myself...
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
Friday, December 31, 2004
well here i sit in my hospital bed...
now for the second day..
my blood sugar has been swinging like a playground swingset..
High Low.. Normal High..
stomach has been hurting enough to make me double over and writhe in pain.. I am alone here now..
My grandmother came down along with my mother..
They stayed the night and as long as they could today..
I talked on my phone to work getting some things done but yet not enough...
Having three doctors seems to be more of a burden rather than blessing, because they are conflicting in their assumptions.
One moment i have early onset diabetes and then the next They have no idea...
So here i sit..
Alone and bored..
No one to talk to and nothing to do but watch disaster..
Ohh well I will just sit here a little longer.
Not like I have a choice...
Mobile land out
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
now for the second day..
my blood sugar has been swinging like a playground swingset..
High Low.. Normal High..
stomach has been hurting enough to make me double over and writhe in pain.. I am alone here now..
My grandmother came down along with my mother..
They stayed the night and as long as they could today..
I talked on my phone to work getting some things done but yet not enough...
Having three doctors seems to be more of a burden rather than blessing, because they are conflicting in their assumptions.
One moment i have early onset diabetes and then the next They have no idea...
So here i sit..
Alone and bored..
No one to talk to and nothing to do but watch disaster..
Ohh well I will just sit here a little longer.
Not like I have a choice...
Mobile land out
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
Thursday, December 30, 2004
FW:
-----Original Message-----
From: cobergas@hotmail.com
Date: 12/29/04 05:48 PM
To: blog me baby
So here we go on a journey that I can only laugh at.
I begin the day at work and leave around the normal time..
I am on my way home and I have the bright idea that i could stop by the doctor if they had an opening...
Of course I picked the best time of the year to go to the doc cause there was not a single soul there.
I explain what has been going on and they decide to take my glucose blood sugar level.
Revisiting Thanksgiving where it had been elevated.
I thought I was reading it upside down when i fact i was reading it right side up..
201..
Not like WOW killer but very high for someone of my age and health and no history of diabetes.
Doc says... you got staright to the hospital..
Call grandmother inform her and tell her to get in touch with everyone and let them know that i am being admitted.
I text a few people and let them know..
Call work to let them know O might not be in on time tonight... j/k..
Then go through the admitting process..
been here for three hours now and I am starving one..
Had my asshole looked at numerous times..
Had my share of fingers there..
Had my fingers pricked ohhhhh six times..
my bloodsugar has went from 201 to 70 in a matter of hours..
It is still dropping and at 67 right now..
Waiting on my diabetic nutritionists to come and and talk to me as of now..
I like sitting here with my door wide opne staring at all the other poeople.. The people that have it worse than me..
I just have early onset diabetes..
At 24...
What does that mean for me?
A life deprived of sugar..
Something that I do not really crave now, but still like to have every now and again..
I have to apperently at more often with regularity..
Who knows what is in my dietary or personal life..
What else can I be dealt with at once..
If this does not show my strength towards the bad shit out there then Fuck it all..
I have proven to myself that I can take the shit thrown my way and have bo problem ishing it back
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
witha strange turn of events my worst fear is coming true...
I knew that i would have to go to the hospital when i came to the doctors..
I was right.. in the worst sort of way..
Right now as i type they are preadmitting me to a hospital..
Of course I asked if it could wait...
But with a blood sugar of 201 they did not take that idea to kindly.
He looked at me and said "No you really cannot be running around in your condition."
Me running around?
Hahahaha I laugh at that idea..
Well wish me luck on my journey of hospital land..
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
I knew that i would have to go to the hospital when i came to the doctors..
I was right.. in the worst sort of way..
Right now as i type they are preadmitting me to a hospital..
Of course I asked if it could wait...
But with a blood sugar of 201 they did not take that idea to kindly.
He looked at me and said "No you really cannot be running around in your condition."
Me running around?
Hahahaha I laugh at that idea..
Well wish me luck on my journey of hospital land..
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
Ewww..
I am officially sick..
I slept all monday.. after she left I went home and slept.. still woke up late for work..
I slept a good bit today and woke up ON TIME..
BUT, alas feeling like total shit..
It was Tuesday and I got some new movies at the buster..
Yay.. let me tell you I am so excited to have new movie tuesday..
I have to go early because believe it or not people actually do the same thing as me...
I still have yet to go by the old place..
Part of me is still holding out for some reason..
I still have yet to go to the grocery store for my place..
Yet again another hold out..
I have not moved the bed that I placed in front of the tv this weekend..
I have still yet to unpack my presents..
Man..
all the motivation is gone from me..
But I blame it all on me.
And I blame it on not feeling to well..
I cannot sleep enough.. and that is not usual for me..
Stomach problems are back again..
Yet I like to suffer..
So even though I do have health insurance i am not going to the doc..
I am scared of what they will find..
I know there is something pretty major wrong with my shit..
i will just go until I am on my death bed..
After the holidays..
That is a good procrastination excuse..
I do not feel like I will be working at this job much longer.
There is alot of disention in the ranks around here..
I am getting more and more mindless and STUPID fucking reports to make up..
I mean why complain?
It means more overtime right?
Not really..
I do not want to slave my waking moments here.
I have sleep to be catching..
I feel as if a part of me is missing..
I am a fucking moron..
I slept all monday.. after she left I went home and slept.. still woke up late for work..
I slept a good bit today and woke up ON TIME..
BUT, alas feeling like total shit..
It was Tuesday and I got some new movies at the buster..
Yay.. let me tell you I am so excited to have new movie tuesday..
I have to go early because believe it or not people actually do the same thing as me...
I still have yet to go by the old place..
Part of me is still holding out for some reason..
I still have yet to go to the grocery store for my place..
Yet again another hold out..
I have not moved the bed that I placed in front of the tv this weekend..
I have still yet to unpack my presents..
Man..
all the motivation is gone from me..
But I blame it all on me.
And I blame it on not feeling to well..
I cannot sleep enough.. and that is not usual for me..
Stomach problems are back again..
Yet I like to suffer..
So even though I do have health insurance i am not going to the doc..
I am scared of what they will find..
I know there is something pretty major wrong with my shit..
i will just go until I am on my death bed..
After the holidays..
That is a good procrastination excuse..
I do not feel like I will be working at this job much longer.
There is alot of disention in the ranks around here..
I am getting more and more mindless and STUPID fucking reports to make up..
I mean why complain?
It means more overtime right?
Not really..
I do not want to slave my waking moments here.
I have sleep to be catching..
I feel as if a part of me is missing..
I am a fucking moron..
Tuesday, December 28, 2004
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I have a chance of a lifetime..
A once in a blue moon occurence..
Never happened never will happen ever again..
I lament daily about the love that I have lost..
Yet why do I turn it away?
I write and write and write about what happened and what I miss..
And yet I turn it away?..
I am soo scared..
I am unsure of myself..
I mean I am not sure I could keep and make this person happy to be able to stay where she wants to stay..
I could not do it before..
I do not think I could do it now..
We turned each other away..
We fought at each others throat..
How do I know that this time it could be for real>?
Do you want me or the friends that you have here?
What do you want?
You say me but are you sure..
How can you be sure when you are unsure of yourself..
I dunno..
I am just looking for answers that maybe you cannot give..
I am just looking for something you may not be willing to give..
Maybe it is reverse and you are willing to give you just do not know how..
I make this harder on myself than I should..
I think my head will be clearer after Friday..
Who knows..
So the weekend went pretty good..
I could not ask for a better time with someone I care so much for..
I mean we are great together..
Titans Game..
Stopping by her parents house..
I miss all that..
Spending nice time with her...
Coming home to her..
her waking me up..
I mean it is all good..
But is it all to good?
What happens if she comes back?
I am soo afraid of heartbreak..
I am soo afraid of hurt..
I tormented myself of what I did wrong before..
I am scared that I am taking something away from her..
I am worried that I am not good enough for her..
I dunno..
Maybe I am just stupid..
Maybe I am just right..
I want her to be happy..
Does she know how to be happy?
I think that me thinking about it for a few days I will have a better hold on things..
By then it will be to late..
SHe will have been set in her ways..
But something she wanted she might get..
She has always wanted to have a place with her roomates err get some roomates..
Soo she might have a a good deal out of this..
Who knows..
I know I do not ..
Christmas came and went like it always does..
Family fueds..
Over dinner..
We had the usual cast of characters this year..
The matriach.. the grandmother... Cooking all day...
My aunt trying to help..
Me stepping in where my aunt fails..
Man it is kind of sad..
My aunt and mother.. They can sort of cook..
But when it comes down to it..
Those helping of genes went straight from my grandmother to me..
It is awfully funny though..
I mean I have to give them some credit they can cook just a little..
but.. like I said theymake something and I perfect it..
Not trying to gloat or anything..
I just tell the truth..
But it is all good..
I got presents from my mother..
Unexpected..
Nothing really important..
Always the same stuff..
Clothes that are to big for me..
Useless items that I will never use..
But it is the thought that counts..
I would rather them not think about me at all really..
Well not at all is a little harsh..
Maybe just not buy me things I do not need..
A once in a blue moon occurence..
Never happened never will happen ever again..
I lament daily about the love that I have lost..
Yet why do I turn it away?
I write and write and write about what happened and what I miss..
And yet I turn it away?..
I am soo scared..
I am unsure of myself..
I mean I am not sure I could keep and make this person happy to be able to stay where she wants to stay..
I could not do it before..
I do not think I could do it now..
We turned each other away..
We fought at each others throat..
How do I know that this time it could be for real>?
Do you want me or the friends that you have here?
What do you want?
You say me but are you sure..
How can you be sure when you are unsure of yourself..
I dunno..
I am just looking for answers that maybe you cannot give..
I am just looking for something you may not be willing to give..
Maybe it is reverse and you are willing to give you just do not know how..
I make this harder on myself than I should..
I think my head will be clearer after Friday..
Who knows..
So the weekend went pretty good..
I could not ask for a better time with someone I care so much for..
I mean we are great together..
Titans Game..
Stopping by her parents house..
I miss all that..
Spending nice time with her...
Coming home to her..
her waking me up..
I mean it is all good..
But is it all to good?
What happens if she comes back?
I am soo afraid of heartbreak..
I am soo afraid of hurt..
I tormented myself of what I did wrong before..
I am scared that I am taking something away from her..
I am worried that I am not good enough for her..
I dunno..
Maybe I am just stupid..
Maybe I am just right..
I want her to be happy..
Does she know how to be happy?
I think that me thinking about it for a few days I will have a better hold on things..
By then it will be to late..
SHe will have been set in her ways..
But something she wanted she might get..
She has always wanted to have a place with her roomates err get some roomates..
Soo she might have a a good deal out of this..
Who knows..
I know I do not ..
Christmas came and went like it always does..
Family fueds..
Over dinner..
We had the usual cast of characters this year..
The matriach.. the grandmother... Cooking all day...
My aunt trying to help..
Me stepping in where my aunt fails..
Man it is kind of sad..
My aunt and mother.. They can sort of cook..
But when it comes down to it..
Those helping of genes went straight from my grandmother to me..
It is awfully funny though..
I mean I have to give them some credit they can cook just a little..
but.. like I said theymake something and I perfect it..
Not trying to gloat or anything..
I just tell the truth..
But it is all good..
I got presents from my mother..
Unexpected..
Nothing really important..
Always the same stuff..
Clothes that are to big for me..
Useless items that I will never use..
But it is the thought that counts..
I would rather them not think about me at all really..
Well not at all is a little harsh..
Maybe just not buy me things I do not need..
Monday, December 27, 2004
Merry Christmas?
Good morning.. WEll whatever it may be for whoever..
I really do not have that much to sya..
I will do a recap shortly though..
I really do not have that much to sya..
I will do a recap shortly though..
Sunday, December 26, 2004
Saturday, December 25, 2004
Hum..
For some reason my mobile posts are not updating.. I wonder why.. I have soo much that I wrote in mobile land and now it is not updating.. Screw that!
SNOW
cars are passing me with snow on them..
Lots of snow...
Cars coming and passing me on the left..
I am excited...
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
Lots of snow...
Cars coming and passing me on the left..
I am excited...
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
Empty road
The roads of course are empty...
Which is good no complaints..
Kind of feel like my life right now..
Empty but still heading in that direction...
The direction I know so well..
Well this is my christmas this year..
Alone again with no where to go but home..
I am on my way Bubba..
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
Which is good no complaints..
Kind of feel like my life right now..
Empty but still heading in that direction...
The direction I know so well..
Well this is my christmas this year..
Alone again with no where to go but home..
I am on my way Bubba..
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
Friday, December 24, 2004
why do i wait to get presents for my family after i buy for my friends and non family?
I have already bought for everyone but my family..
I guss ccause it is soo hard to buy for them...
I get the same general things for people every year...
ohh well...
I am done shopping though i accomplished everythings for my family in thirty minuetsor less... do it like this every year..
i hate christmas...
I hate my life right now...
I om fine in most aspects of my life but in others I am soo fucked..
I am looking forward though to seeing my grandmother..
I miss her.. every christmas that comes i try and treat it like it is her last.. I am thankful every year that comes and goes that I have the ability to spend it with her..
I am glad that there is nothing wrong in that aspect of my life...
I could not take anymore loss..
I would be devastated...
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
I have already bought for everyone but my family..
I guss ccause it is soo hard to buy for them...
I get the same general things for people every year...
ohh well...
I am done shopping though i accomplished everythings for my family in thirty minuetsor less... do it like this every year..
i hate christmas...
I hate my life right now...
I om fine in most aspects of my life but in others I am soo fucked..
I am looking forward though to seeing my grandmother..
I miss her.. every christmas that comes i try and treat it like it is her last.. I am thankful every year that comes and goes that I have the ability to spend it with her..
I am glad that there is nothing wrong in that aspect of my life...
I could not take anymore loss..
I would be devastated...
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
Thursday, December 23, 2004
Well we just had a very civil conversation..
It must have been hard for her..
She talked to me and we had civil conversation..
I am impressed..
Put down some tenative plans for holiday transportation..
Getting her here and there...
Looks like she will be coming home with me and staying a night or soo..
I think she should stay at least for a while who knows.. it is not like she has anything in LITTLE VEGAS..
So here i sit now with so mny thoughts and ideas running through my head like a heard of buffalo on the historic plains of our country...
You like that oe huh...
"i miss you," to me i thinkh those words are hard to say, but they are soooo easy to hear...
They fall soeasily upon peoples ears...
Sometimes they are exactly what we want to hear at that moment and that is all we hear coming out of their mouths..
Sometimes because that is all we ear we fixate our thoughts and emotions on those three words.. because that is all we WANT to hear...
It does not matter what they say after that really for if you are looking for those words then you will revolve the whole conversation around those words...
The next words out of their mouth could be....
"I miss you but, i am ging to kill you."
But if all you want to hear is the first part that is all your going to be taking away from the conversation..
Sucks huh..
I guess it is all in how we view our own situation..
It is based upon our own hopes and dreams..
Stemming from how we where raised and what we should dream and reach for...
I know I relate to alot of things blaming them or attaching them to how children are raised, but i honestly think that has alot to do with everything..
I grew myself up..
I taught myself how to do alot of things..
There was no choice for me..
There was not alot of people in my life..
That is what make me so dependant on people sometimes.. That is what makes me so attention starved at times..
I did not have somebody there..
My mother worked LONG hours and I hated daycare so I stayed home alone at a very young age..
Second grade... Third grade.. Fourth grade..
My mother always slept when i wanted her to play..
But she was spontaneous and that is where i get mine from.. If we where out and what not, and she knew i was upset or she had scorned me for whatever reason she would just take me someplace and do something for me..
Just cause it was the only way she knew how to convey Love to me...
That is where i get that from..
You cannot buy someones love and trust you have to earn it...
I do not think I am good at that...
I try but no one is perfect in their life...
We have expctations of how it is supposed to be and when it does not turn out that way we do regret and we do get let down because that is who we are..
So on that note i am uploading this and getting back to doing nothing i my life..
It is really hard sometimes to do nothing...
Goodbye from mobile land!
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
It must have been hard for her..
She talked to me and we had civil conversation..
I am impressed..
Put down some tenative plans for holiday transportation..
Getting her here and there...
Looks like she will be coming home with me and staying a night or soo..
I think she should stay at least for a while who knows.. it is not like she has anything in LITTLE VEGAS..
So here i sit now with so mny thoughts and ideas running through my head like a heard of buffalo on the historic plains of our country...
You like that oe huh...
"i miss you," to me i thinkh those words are hard to say, but they are soooo easy to hear...
They fall soeasily upon peoples ears...
Sometimes they are exactly what we want to hear at that moment and that is all we hear coming out of their mouths..
Sometimes because that is all we ear we fixate our thoughts and emotions on those three words.. because that is all we WANT to hear...
It does not matter what they say after that really for if you are looking for those words then you will revolve the whole conversation around those words...
The next words out of their mouth could be....
"I miss you but, i am ging to kill you."
But if all you want to hear is the first part that is all your going to be taking away from the conversation..
Sucks huh..
I guess it is all in how we view our own situation..
It is based upon our own hopes and dreams..
Stemming from how we where raised and what we should dream and reach for...
I know I relate to alot of things blaming them or attaching them to how children are raised, but i honestly think that has alot to do with everything..
I grew myself up..
I taught myself how to do alot of things..
There was no choice for me..
There was not alot of people in my life..
That is what make me so dependant on people sometimes.. That is what makes me so attention starved at times..
I did not have somebody there..
My mother worked LONG hours and I hated daycare so I stayed home alone at a very young age..
Second grade... Third grade.. Fourth grade..
My mother always slept when i wanted her to play..
But she was spontaneous and that is where i get mine from.. If we where out and what not, and she knew i was upset or she had scorned me for whatever reason she would just take me someplace and do something for me..
Just cause it was the only way she knew how to convey Love to me...
That is where i get that from..
You cannot buy someones love and trust you have to earn it...
I do not think I am good at that...
I try but no one is perfect in their life...
We have expctations of how it is supposed to be and when it does not turn out that way we do regret and we do get let down because that is who we are..
So on that note i am uploading this and getting back to doing nothing i my life..
It is really hard sometimes to do nothing...
Goodbye from mobile land!
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
FW: Word to your mother it worked..
-----Original Message-----
From: cobergas@hotmail.com
Date: 12/23/04 06:10 AM
To: blog me baby
Subject: Word to your mother it worked..
$$$$ DOLLARZ.. Money it is working i am excited that i have the ability to just update anywhere anytime i FUCKING want to.. I could be sitting right next to you blogging about your ass and you not even know it.. HA.. now my life will be more easy to write about... Hells yeah..
Why am i excited about this venture?
i do not know really..
Will finish today online cause there is mucho to talk about pretty bad day but all and all it ended pretty good...
Later from Mobileland
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
Insomnia Hell..
Hummm yesterday was non-the-less... a very tired type of day..
I cannot explain what happens when I stay up for long periods of time..
The weird thing is the ability to do so..
Yesterday was a prime exampl..
And today I am surviving off of three hours of interupted sleep...
Left work yesterday at or around noon..
Went to Mall hell..
Met up with a friend to accomplish some Christmas shopping..
Boy what a chore..
OHHHH I got the biggest paycheck yesterday I have ever recieved..
Put it this way..
Simple math..
58.75 hours..
Everything over 40 is time and a half..
Hummm..
Considering that I am doing pretty good now..
That was a big chunk of change in the ole pocket book..
I hope more weeks are like that to come..
So after leaving work with a hot check in my hand I go to the bank and cash it..
Not my bank cause there was not one around the mall area..
BTW took me an hour and fifteen to get into the mall area..
Suck hardcore..
Cash it and go on my way.
Get into the mall and know exactly what store I was going to hit first..
Since my boss claims to be an extreme Irish man I went and found him a pint mug and had it engraved..
Of course this time of year it takes at least 2 hours to get it done..
1:30 is when I was in the shop..
2:30
3:30 ETPU (estimated time of pickup..)
Ok so this puts me past the 15 hour awake rule..
That is fine...
Walk around the mall looking for other useless gifts..
Find nothing and resort to getting my mother and AUnt a gift Card..
Woooo big spender I know..
Go back @ 3:30 and pick up the beer pint with his initials..
Get into the car and decided to grab a bite to eat..
Mistake..
Went to Chilis.. Not my home store..
Got SHAFTED by management there..
Which is ok..
Promptly called in a complaint to my manager about the crap..
Go to T.J. Max my FAV store in the whole wide world..
Got my christmas presents..
Actually did something odd.. Put them on layaway..
2nd time I have ever done that..
Layaway that is..
Lower interest than my credit card PLUS.. I will not have to blow money on me just yet...
Save the mula for the other presents that I will not buy..
Leave the Max and have to go to Wal-Mart to buy the supplies to begin my baking escapade..
1 pumpkin cheesecake pie
1 pumpkin pie
1 apple pie..
100% homemade... Cept for the filling..
What you think I am going to scrap a pumkin? They are really out of season..
Soo come home and begin baking..
Makes the crusts...
Start to try to make the filling..
Realize I have no can opener... Nor Mixer.. Nor spatulas..
Shit.. at one point I had some..
Choose to go to Target @ 8pm...
Mental ability really lacking..
I should have written everything down...
Get to Target..
They DO NOT have the mixer I wanted..
FUCK..
Buy a cheapo.. Get a set of ORANGE spatulas and a mixing bowl..
Come home and start on the cheecake filling..
Finish and fill the pie..
Go to open the cans of milk and pumpkin mix..
LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD I FORGOT a can opener!!!
9:15 timeline..
Go to the nearest type of store..
Eckerd..
NEVER GO THERE FOR EMERGENCY BAKING SUPPLIES!
No luck ok getting to can opener there..
Ohh I tried to ope the cans with a knife..
FFR ( for Future REference) Does not relly work to well..
Hop back in the truck and go to K-Roger
Walk in buy a $2.16 can opener and go home..
Now.. Finish the pies.. In oven..
Nap time until they get done...
1 hour 15 mins later.. Wakeup and check them...
11:35 timeline..
Need 15 more mins to brown the apple pie crust..
Sleep 15 get up turn over off and oopen door..
Wakeup late for work.. as usual..
Leave for work and realize I have 2 voicemails.. Funny
I listen to them and it is Chilis calling telling them that the police called and they have my wallet!
What????????
I jot the number down and call the police in NORCROSS..
Nontheless not where I live currently..
I live in Duluth and had not been in Norcross all day...
So I am fearing the worst now.. Luckily earlier in the day I kept my CASH in my coat pocket..
Not in my wallet..
Soo I call the police and they said some nice couple turned it in..
Probaly felt bad for me with my out of state liscense..
Soo I pass the station on my way to work everyday and stop in and they give me my walle..
Not one card missing or out of place..
BUT I was soo lucky because just that day I had pulled Becky's (my chilis manager) card out of my wallet at the other Chili's... so it was on top..
That is why they called them.. Go figure...
Soo I get to work and I am kind of behind but not really..
Things are slow so we have been goofing off today..
My boss is going to love his present...
Heck.. I am thoughtful guy ;0)
So I got a call yesterday and I was not sure how to handle it..
Someone needed to talk and let it out of their system so I sat there and listened..
That is all I have wanted anyways..
Venting done short conversation..
I dunno she said she had nothing to talk about..
But I thought she did..
I was shaking by the time the phone call was over..
The same thing that happens to me all the time..
Anytime I would head over there to pickup the mail or do anything it was like pre-show jitters..
I have them now just typing about them..
It is like your cold but your not at all cold...
You cannot control it...
I do not know what it is but I guess it is built up tension..
But up hurt..
Whatever it is I want it gone..
I do not like it..
It is not a good feeling...
Today I am going to sleep as much as I want.. Sit on my ass and finish the movies I had slated for viewing yesterday..
Ohh and the mobile blog.. Works.. Works good..
I like it and the idea of it..
I thought you could do it but I had not seen the link on the site until this morning..
I get soo wigged out when I do not get sleep..
I am that way right now..
Everything is in slow motion..
Well looks like I will have a passenger on the way back from N-ville after Christmas..
She asked If I could bring her back to get her car..
I have no problem with that..
There they come again.. My hands
Well I do not know how to explain things..
I guess I do not have to..
Back to boredomeville..
My life..
I cannot explain what happens when I stay up for long periods of time..
The weird thing is the ability to do so..
Yesterday was a prime exampl..
And today I am surviving off of three hours of interupted sleep...
Left work yesterday at or around noon..
Went to Mall hell..
Met up with a friend to accomplish some Christmas shopping..
Boy what a chore..
OHHHH I got the biggest paycheck yesterday I have ever recieved..
Put it this way..
Simple math..
58.75 hours..
Everything over 40 is time and a half..
Hummm..
Considering that I am doing pretty good now..
That was a big chunk of change in the ole pocket book..
I hope more weeks are like that to come..
So after leaving work with a hot check in my hand I go to the bank and cash it..
Not my bank cause there was not one around the mall area..
BTW took me an hour and fifteen to get into the mall area..
Suck hardcore..
Cash it and go on my way.
Get into the mall and know exactly what store I was going to hit first..
Since my boss claims to be an extreme Irish man I went and found him a pint mug and had it engraved..
Of course this time of year it takes at least 2 hours to get it done..
1:30 is when I was in the shop..
2:30
3:30 ETPU (estimated time of pickup..)
Ok so this puts me past the 15 hour awake rule..
That is fine...
Walk around the mall looking for other useless gifts..
Find nothing and resort to getting my mother and AUnt a gift Card..
Woooo big spender I know..
Go back @ 3:30 and pick up the beer pint with his initials..
Get into the car and decided to grab a bite to eat..
Mistake..
Went to Chilis.. Not my home store..
Got SHAFTED by management there..
Which is ok..
Promptly called in a complaint to my manager about the crap..
Go to T.J. Max my FAV store in the whole wide world..
Got my christmas presents..
Actually did something odd.. Put them on layaway..
2nd time I have ever done that..
Layaway that is..
Lower interest than my credit card PLUS.. I will not have to blow money on me just yet...
Save the mula for the other presents that I will not buy..
Leave the Max and have to go to Wal-Mart to buy the supplies to begin my baking escapade..
1 pumpkin cheesecake pie
1 pumpkin pie
1 apple pie..
100% homemade... Cept for the filling..
What you think I am going to scrap a pumkin? They are really out of season..
Soo come home and begin baking..
Makes the crusts...
Start to try to make the filling..
Realize I have no can opener... Nor Mixer.. Nor spatulas..
Shit.. at one point I had some..
Choose to go to Target @ 8pm...
Mental ability really lacking..
I should have written everything down...
Get to Target..
They DO NOT have the mixer I wanted..
FUCK..
Buy a cheapo.. Get a set of ORANGE spatulas and a mixing bowl..
Come home and start on the cheecake filling..
Finish and fill the pie..
Go to open the cans of milk and pumpkin mix..
LOW AND FUCKING BEHOLD I FORGOT a can opener!!!
9:15 timeline..
Go to the nearest type of store..
Eckerd..
NEVER GO THERE FOR EMERGENCY BAKING SUPPLIES!
No luck ok getting to can opener there..
Ohh I tried to ope the cans with a knife..
FFR ( for Future REference) Does not relly work to well..
Hop back in the truck and go to K-Roger
Walk in buy a $2.16 can opener and go home..
Now.. Finish the pies.. In oven..
Nap time until they get done...
1 hour 15 mins later.. Wakeup and check them...
11:35 timeline..
Need 15 more mins to brown the apple pie crust..
Sleep 15 get up turn over off and oopen door..
Wakeup late for work.. as usual..
Leave for work and realize I have 2 voicemails.. Funny
I listen to them and it is Chilis calling telling them that the police called and they have my wallet!
What????????
I jot the number down and call the police in NORCROSS..
Nontheless not where I live currently..
I live in Duluth and had not been in Norcross all day...
So I am fearing the worst now.. Luckily earlier in the day I kept my CASH in my coat pocket..
Not in my wallet..
Soo I call the police and they said some nice couple turned it in..
Probaly felt bad for me with my out of state liscense..
Soo I pass the station on my way to work everyday and stop in and they give me my walle..
Not one card missing or out of place..
BUT I was soo lucky because just that day I had pulled Becky's (my chilis manager) card out of my wallet at the other Chili's... so it was on top..
That is why they called them.. Go figure...
Soo I get to work and I am kind of behind but not really..
Things are slow so we have been goofing off today..
My boss is going to love his present...
Heck.. I am thoughtful guy ;0)
So I got a call yesterday and I was not sure how to handle it..
Someone needed to talk and let it out of their system so I sat there and listened..
That is all I have wanted anyways..
Venting done short conversation..
I dunno she said she had nothing to talk about..
But I thought she did..
I was shaking by the time the phone call was over..
The same thing that happens to me all the time..
Anytime I would head over there to pickup the mail or do anything it was like pre-show jitters..
I have them now just typing about them..
It is like your cold but your not at all cold...
You cannot control it...
I do not know what it is but I guess it is built up tension..
But up hurt..
Whatever it is I want it gone..
I do not like it..
It is not a good feeling...
Today I am going to sleep as much as I want.. Sit on my ass and finish the movies I had slated for viewing yesterday..
Ohh and the mobile blog.. Works.. Works good..
I like it and the idea of it..
I thought you could do it but I had not seen the link on the site until this morning..
I get soo wigged out when I do not get sleep..
I am that way right now..
Everything is in slow motion..
Well looks like I will have a passenger on the way back from N-ville after Christmas..
She asked If I could bring her back to get her car..
I have no problem with that..
There they come again.. My hands
Well I do not know how to explain things..
I guess I do not have to..
Back to boredomeville..
My life..
Word to your mother it worked..
$$$$ DOLLARZ.. Money it is working i am excited that i have the ability to just update anywhere anytime i FUCKING want to.. I could be sitting right next to you blogging about your ass and you not even know it.. HA.. now my life will be more easy to write about... Hells yeah..
Why am i excited about this venture?
i do not know really..
Will finish today online cause there is mucho to talk about pretty bad day but all and all it ended pretty good...
Later from Mobileland
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
Why am i excited about this venture?
i do not know really..
Will finish today online cause there is mucho to talk about pretty bad day but all and all it ended pretty good...
Later from Mobileland
These words brought to you by Ogo. Find out more at www.ogo.com
Well here goes..
I am going blogging mobile.. Why not?.. I mean most of my thoughts and feelinga are through the day an dI just come in here and compose them at night.. I mean not like I rough draft things or something but I mean I think of stuff remember it by one word then come in and jot it all down... Alot of it down and it flows from my fingers freely..
Wednesday, December 22, 2004
Christmas Bah Humbagh..
I finally broke down..
I went shopping..
Although I have BEEN shopping now for the past week..
I went to one mall in the past week, but with not REAL intentions of christmas shopping.
So, I finally went with the intentions of shopping for people and their gifts..
I have protested long enough..
I came home rented Napoleon Dynomite and The Manchurian Canidate and watched them both before finally falling asleep.
Then when I did waek up I was groggy and still tired..
My body protesting the actions I was about to perform..
Along with my wallet..
so onward I go to the mall.. I grab a friend to go along since I am hating this shit already why not bring someone else down..
First things first...
We had to eat dinner..
I have been frequenting the places to ea around my apartment thatI can walk to..
Of course no walking last night..
Went to a little Greek/Italian place called Valentino's..
Family owned..
Mom and Pop around 65 years old own it..
More food than you can handle for 3 meals..
Eat very picky..
Stuffed as a turkey on thanksgiving day...
We depart for the infamous shopping trip..
We go to a mall that is really right down the road..
Been there once before but only to pickup something..
In other words I knew exactly which store I was going to and everything..
This time it is different..
Christmas Traffic..
This mall is not like the other ones that I have been to in GA..
This is pretty much an immigrant mall with some african flavor splash in..
To put it nicely it was pretty much ghetto..
But heck Merry Christmas right?
Go through the center court and notice this guy riding the elevator up and down holding his child...
Kind of a troubling situation..
Mall security at both the top and bottom floors trying to get him off..
Aparently he was stuck in the elevator with his screaming child..
Sucks for him..
Bet he will never ride the elevator again in that mall..
Went on the whole time we where shopping there..
Spent 4 hours..
Walked away buying a gift for one person..
I hate this..
Go home and by now it is like 10pm..
I have to sleep considering I did not get much earlier in the day..
Pop in another movie.. since I had already watched my two for the day I went back to blockbuster and got two more..
Hero.. and something else..
Is it not sad..
I look forward now to Tuesdays for one reason only..
Blockbuster has the new releases.. I jusst cannot wait as soon as I get off of work I head straight to PocketBuster.. and get th new movies out..
I lead a boring life right now..
That is all i have to look forward to..
I wish I had motivation to do something else..
But why..
What is the reason..
There really is not one..
Someday I will find motivation again.
Someday there will be happiness again..
I will not delude myself with visions and hopes..
I will achieve and succeed..
I will seek out and take..
Ahh..
My pocket book is tight as of late.. I am not happy about spending money.. but yet I will not go grocery shopping..
I hate cooking for myself only..
I hate being there with myself only..
I find myself dazing off when I have been driving as of late.. Zoning out..
Although on the way home a car caught my interest and I stopped in to look at it..
350Z.. copper color the same color I was looking at for my truck..
Ahhhh... one day.. My dreams will all become my reality..
I am just going to keep plugging away at what I do and keep my chin up..
I know now that hard work will be rewarded..
That time is valuable.. yes..
But that I cannot rush or push something...
I find it sad that I have to wear long johns to work..
I have to wear thermal underwear because this MOTHER FUCKING place for some reason has yet to turn on the heat... With the lows in the teens and the warehouse on the other side of my wall there is not much insulation...
Sitting on my ass all day is not healthy also..
Oh man.. we have secret santa here and I got my boss as the person to buy for.. Geeze lou eeze..
I dunno what to get..
Maybe a gift card to the liqour store?
Do they sell those?
I am going to check into that at the local package store..
Soo the time has come to clean the old apartment..
I have to stop by and start cleaning the place..
So I will not get a cleaning bill..
I am turning off the electricity in the morning.. befor ehte holidays...
Turning that off is going to be like shutting a door on my past..
I can remember like yesterday the day when I called to have everything turned on..
Standing in the kitchen of our ever soo beautiful apartment..
Talking on the phone for like 2 hours getting EVERYTHING setup..
Gas..
Electric..
Newspaper..
All in one phone call..
Ohh yeah and Phone service that never came to the house?
I wonder what happened there?
So it is one chapter in my life that is closing..
The ghetto apartment..
The constant Mexicans..
The offers to buy this STOLEN jewerly and that..
"The car accidents", Both hers and mine.. Both NOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH US..
But Some FUCKING MEXICANS..
Now I am not racists or what not and it may seem I am from this particular post..
But A. They do not know how to drive..
And B. They are more judgemental than Americans..
But that story is for another time..
I understand certain situations..
Why?
because I have been there before and realize..
It is hard to love someone when you do not know what direction you want to go in life..
Why?
Your testing things out..
Your trying things you have never done before..
Your working on fitting in and becoming what we all want in the end...
But working to that end goal is the key..
Where you learn what you like and want in life..
I have had examples my whole life of what to do and not to do..
Examples that where not meant to be seen like that but I took what I saw and said...
"Hey, I do not want to be like that nor end up like that."
Something I did is setup a little goal system..
Not to live my life by..
But something to go by like a guideline..
If I never achieve those goals so be it..
I know I tried and put every effort into what I wanted..
If it is not meant to be then it is not meant to be..
But I know in my heart I gave things a shot..
I am a headstrong and gola oriented person..
I know what I want in life..
I cannot help it..
I know what I went without in my life growing up and it is something I wish I had dearly..
Soo wanting that dearly I try and surround my life with it..
But not everyone sees eye to eye and apge to page..
We all have been brought up different..
The same basic components where there but...
We all live our lives out differently.
Love
It is something we all desire..
A basic yet complex emotion..
Something we cannot live without in one form or another..
It really is not..
The human emotion of love entails different aspects..
Romantic Love..
Unconditional Love..
Sibling Love..
Family Love..
Those are just a few of many..
But each one has it's very own different category..
Each one has its own different stage..
But our lives basically fall in and around that..
Why?
The desire to be accepted.. to be needed and wanted.. to be touched.. to touch.. to share..
everything encompasses love..
It is addictive..
You will do anything for it really..
Without thinking of yourself of other people..
It is because humans crave it soo much..
We have been brought up seeing it, hearing it, speaking it...
It has been force feed into our brain and hardwired into our anatomy..
It is something we will always desire in one way or anther..
Yet at times in our lives we are not ready for one or all of the above..
Nothing is wrong with you..
Your just not ready for what I have to offer you..
It is ok..
I understand..
I am just someone who has a goal in the future something I want to look forward to..
I am not upset that you changed your mind..
I am not worried about what is going to happen anymore..
You are you..
You choose what happiness and what hurt to bring into your life..
But, you can only run for so long from your past..
You must comfront your past and learn how to deal with it..
You never talked to me about it..
I understand..
But you must deal with what happened before you can realize how you can love and how someone can really love you..
Because they really can love you..
I do..
I have told you time and time again trying to get it in your head..
You are a wonderful person..
You have just troubled yourself and clouded your thoughts with past feelings and emotions..
Things that happened in the past that You lament over daily..
It hurt me to see you be soo sad over D...
Everyday waiting and wanting..
Why? Cause you blamed yourself..
You blame yourself for everything..
But somethings are not in your control..
and somethings are not what they seem to be..
People lie..
They lie to cover up what?
Themselves and their feelings..
They hate conflict and hate being hurt..
It is how long they can live that lie that ends up hurting them..
Turning on what they thought would be something easy and good to do...
But who am I?
I am nothing but a person with no real education in life..
Just a bunch of obsevances.. Nothing but a bunch of experiences..
Just a normal person..
Someone who just hurts..
Tries to rationalize his life..
Tries to hard sometimes to give people what he "thinks" they need or want..
I am nothing really..
Just someone who could leave and never be noticed..
I have done it before and did it recently..
Soo it really does not matter what I say or do or think in my life..
It only matters to me..
I can only hope that someone understands and realizes the same hopes and dreams as me one day..
But whatever.. I do it to myself..
I went shopping..
Although I have BEEN shopping now for the past week..
I went to one mall in the past week, but with not REAL intentions of christmas shopping.
So, I finally went with the intentions of shopping for people and their gifts..
I have protested long enough..
I came home rented Napoleon Dynomite and The Manchurian Canidate and watched them both before finally falling asleep.
Then when I did waek up I was groggy and still tired..
My body protesting the actions I was about to perform..
Along with my wallet..
so onward I go to the mall.. I grab a friend to go along since I am hating this shit already why not bring someone else down..
First things first...
We had to eat dinner..
I have been frequenting the places to ea around my apartment thatI can walk to..
Of course no walking last night..
Went to a little Greek/Italian place called Valentino's..
Family owned..
Mom and Pop around 65 years old own it..
More food than you can handle for 3 meals..
Eat very picky..
Stuffed as a turkey on thanksgiving day...
We depart for the infamous shopping trip..
We go to a mall that is really right down the road..
Been there once before but only to pickup something..
In other words I knew exactly which store I was going to and everything..
This time it is different..
Christmas Traffic..
This mall is not like the other ones that I have been to in GA..
This is pretty much an immigrant mall with some african flavor splash in..
To put it nicely it was pretty much ghetto..
But heck Merry Christmas right?
Go through the center court and notice this guy riding the elevator up and down holding his child...
Kind of a troubling situation..
Mall security at both the top and bottom floors trying to get him off..
Aparently he was stuck in the elevator with his screaming child..
Sucks for him..
Bet he will never ride the elevator again in that mall..
Went on the whole time we where shopping there..
Spent 4 hours..
Walked away buying a gift for one person..
I hate this..
Go home and by now it is like 10pm..
I have to sleep considering I did not get much earlier in the day..
Pop in another movie.. since I had already watched my two for the day I went back to blockbuster and got two more..
Hero.. and something else..
Is it not sad..
I look forward now to Tuesdays for one reason only..
Blockbuster has the new releases.. I jusst cannot wait as soon as I get off of work I head straight to PocketBuster.. and get th new movies out..
I lead a boring life right now..
That is all i have to look forward to..
I wish I had motivation to do something else..
But why..
What is the reason..
There really is not one..
Someday I will find motivation again.
Someday there will be happiness again..
I will not delude myself with visions and hopes..
I will achieve and succeed..
I will seek out and take..
Ahh..
My pocket book is tight as of late.. I am not happy about spending money.. but yet I will not go grocery shopping..
I hate cooking for myself only..
I hate being there with myself only..
I find myself dazing off when I have been driving as of late.. Zoning out..
Although on the way home a car caught my interest and I stopped in to look at it..
350Z.. copper color the same color I was looking at for my truck..
Ahhhh... one day.. My dreams will all become my reality..
I am just going to keep plugging away at what I do and keep my chin up..
I know now that hard work will be rewarded..
That time is valuable.. yes..
But that I cannot rush or push something...
I find it sad that I have to wear long johns to work..
I have to wear thermal underwear because this MOTHER FUCKING place for some reason has yet to turn on the heat... With the lows in the teens and the warehouse on the other side of my wall there is not much insulation...
Sitting on my ass all day is not healthy also..
Oh man.. we have secret santa here and I got my boss as the person to buy for.. Geeze lou eeze..
I dunno what to get..
Maybe a gift card to the liqour store?
Do they sell those?
I am going to check into that at the local package store..
Soo the time has come to clean the old apartment..
I have to stop by and start cleaning the place..
So I will not get a cleaning bill..
I am turning off the electricity in the morning.. befor ehte holidays...
Turning that off is going to be like shutting a door on my past..
I can remember like yesterday the day when I called to have everything turned on..
Standing in the kitchen of our ever soo beautiful apartment..
Talking on the phone for like 2 hours getting EVERYTHING setup..
Gas..
Electric..
Newspaper..
All in one phone call..
Ohh yeah and Phone service that never came to the house?
I wonder what happened there?
So it is one chapter in my life that is closing..
The ghetto apartment..
The constant Mexicans..
The offers to buy this STOLEN jewerly and that..
"The car accidents", Both hers and mine.. Both NOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH US..
But Some FUCKING MEXICANS..
Now I am not racists or what not and it may seem I am from this particular post..
But A. They do not know how to drive..
And B. They are more judgemental than Americans..
But that story is for another time..
I understand certain situations..
Why?
because I have been there before and realize..
It is hard to love someone when you do not know what direction you want to go in life..
Why?
Your testing things out..
Your trying things you have never done before..
Your working on fitting in and becoming what we all want in the end...
But working to that end goal is the key..
Where you learn what you like and want in life..
I have had examples my whole life of what to do and not to do..
Examples that where not meant to be seen like that but I took what I saw and said...
"Hey, I do not want to be like that nor end up like that."
Something I did is setup a little goal system..
Not to live my life by..
But something to go by like a guideline..
If I never achieve those goals so be it..
I know I tried and put every effort into what I wanted..
If it is not meant to be then it is not meant to be..
But I know in my heart I gave things a shot..
I am a headstrong and gola oriented person..
I know what I want in life..
I cannot help it..
I know what I went without in my life growing up and it is something I wish I had dearly..
Soo wanting that dearly I try and surround my life with it..
But not everyone sees eye to eye and apge to page..
We all have been brought up different..
The same basic components where there but...
We all live our lives out differently.
Love
It is something we all desire..
A basic yet complex emotion..
Something we cannot live without in one form or another..
It really is not..
The human emotion of love entails different aspects..
Romantic Love..
Unconditional Love..
Sibling Love..
Family Love..
Those are just a few of many..
But each one has it's very own different category..
Each one has its own different stage..
But our lives basically fall in and around that..
Why?
The desire to be accepted.. to be needed and wanted.. to be touched.. to touch.. to share..
everything encompasses love..
It is addictive..
You will do anything for it really..
Without thinking of yourself of other people..
It is because humans crave it soo much..
We have been brought up seeing it, hearing it, speaking it...
It has been force feed into our brain and hardwired into our anatomy..
It is something we will always desire in one way or anther..
Yet at times in our lives we are not ready for one or all of the above..
Nothing is wrong with you..
Your just not ready for what I have to offer you..
It is ok..
I understand..
I am just someone who has a goal in the future something I want to look forward to..
I am not upset that you changed your mind..
I am not worried about what is going to happen anymore..
You are you..
You choose what happiness and what hurt to bring into your life..
But, you can only run for so long from your past..
You must comfront your past and learn how to deal with it..
You never talked to me about it..
I understand..
But you must deal with what happened before you can realize how you can love and how someone can really love you..
Because they really can love you..
I do..
I have told you time and time again trying to get it in your head..
You are a wonderful person..
You have just troubled yourself and clouded your thoughts with past feelings and emotions..
Things that happened in the past that You lament over daily..
It hurt me to see you be soo sad over D...
Everyday waiting and wanting..
Why? Cause you blamed yourself..
You blame yourself for everything..
But somethings are not in your control..
and somethings are not what they seem to be..
People lie..
They lie to cover up what?
Themselves and their feelings..
They hate conflict and hate being hurt..
It is how long they can live that lie that ends up hurting them..
Turning on what they thought would be something easy and good to do...
But who am I?
I am nothing but a person with no real education in life..
Just a bunch of obsevances.. Nothing but a bunch of experiences..
Just a normal person..
Someone who just hurts..
Tries to rationalize his life..
Tries to hard sometimes to give people what he "thinks" they need or want..
I am nothing really..
Just someone who could leave and never be noticed..
I have done it before and did it recently..
Soo it really does not matter what I say or do or think in my life..
It only matters to me..
I can only hope that someone understands and realizes the same hopes and dreams as me one day..
But whatever.. I do it to myself..
Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Hurt.
Man.. I left work yesterday and my head had started hurting..
Did it ever hurt when I got home..
I put in a movie like usual and tried to go to sleep..
But my head hurt soo much..
I fianlly went to sleep..
Woke up around 6pm..
Head throbbing..
I stood up to get water..
I fell right back down..
I had a migraine and had not taken anything for it..
I did not move from the couch..
I wanted to throw my cat out the window becuase of the little noise he was making by eating...
I felt like SHIT..
I stayed on the couch until 1am where at that time I needed to jet because I had to be at work..
I wasked someone from work to brig me some medicine and they stopped by around 11:30.. I woke up long enough to take to advil and fall back asleep..
I didnot have any medicine around the new place.. Soo
I was shitouttaluck!
Like that?
I have been soo incredibly busy today at work it isnot even funny..
My boss poked his head in the door at 3AM.. I was like WHAT?
But anyways..
My head is still hurting...
It is a dull pain though not a sharp pain...
Texted her yesterday..
She said she made a mistake about moving back..
I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything..
"It's Nothing Nevermind",
So I guess that is it?
I dunno..
She for real does not know...
Soo.. My aching head.. I am taking this ass to the house..
I do not think I can watch a movie.. The light was hurting me yesterday and as I am sure it will hurt me today..
OHHHHHHHH
HUGE NEWS THOUGH
I GOT INSURANCE!
Not really big for anyone but me..
But lately I have been having problems..
Stress and what not but the doctor visit is soon in my future..
I think the stress part has contributed to the problems..
So onward we go in to the day..
Ho hum..
So glum..
I HATE CHRISTMAS!
HUMBAGH
Did it ever hurt when I got home..
I put in a movie like usual and tried to go to sleep..
But my head hurt soo much..
I fianlly went to sleep..
Woke up around 6pm..
Head throbbing..
I stood up to get water..
I fell right back down..
I had a migraine and had not taken anything for it..
I did not move from the couch..
I wanted to throw my cat out the window becuase of the little noise he was making by eating...
I felt like SHIT..
I stayed on the couch until 1am where at that time I needed to jet because I had to be at work..
I wasked someone from work to brig me some medicine and they stopped by around 11:30.. I woke up long enough to take to advil and fall back asleep..
I didnot have any medicine around the new place.. Soo
I was shitouttaluck!
Like that?
I have been soo incredibly busy today at work it isnot even funny..
My boss poked his head in the door at 3AM.. I was like WHAT?
But anyways..
My head is still hurting...
It is a dull pain though not a sharp pain...
Texted her yesterday..
She said she made a mistake about moving back..
I asked her if she wanted to talk about anything..
"It's Nothing Nevermind",
So I guess that is it?
I dunno..
She for real does not know...
Soo.. My aching head.. I am taking this ass to the house..
I do not think I can watch a movie.. The light was hurting me yesterday and as I am sure it will hurt me today..
OHHHHHHHH
HUGE NEWS THOUGH
I GOT INSURANCE!
Not really big for anyone but me..
But lately I have been having problems..
Stress and what not but the doctor visit is soon in my future..
I think the stress part has contributed to the problems..
So onward we go in to the day..
Ho hum..
So glum..
I HATE CHRISTMAS!
HUMBAGH
Monday, December 20, 2004
Another one of those recaps...
Well let's see where to begin..
Firday night.. man what a weird night..
I got off work around 1:30 pm. Long day! OVERTIME YAY!!
I went home got some more movies and decided to try to sleep for a while..
I was watching the movies and sleeping on and off..
Around 6pm I finally went to sleep sleep..
11:08 pm I sat straight up..
I had this awful feelingI cannot explain it..
I felt like someone needed something..
I felt her..
I cannot explain this nor am I trying..
I am just saying what I thought and felt waking straight up from dead sleep..
I had this rush of emotions and feelings..
I started worrying..
I started thinking..
It was soo weird..
I did not like it..
I turned back over and tried to sleep..
I could not.. I got up and started pacing around.
Walking.. I wanted to get up and go..
Go to someplace..
But I could not..
I knew that this was the last night that she would be here..
I guess that must have been it..
Just something that passed..
I went back to bed around 12:30.. only after compulsively cleaning..
I finished laundry and folded and folded clothes..
Turned the movie back on and went to sleep..
Woke up Sat witht the normal tradition now of leaving for work early to get breakfast..
I hate being there by myself so I have been leaving to go to the weekend job early..
I found this bakery that has some great bagels on my way to work..
I have been bringing them in for myself now for a few weeks..
Co-Workers caught on..
I am not even out of the shower yet and they have called me wanting me to pick them up some..
So I go to the bakery and end up placing an order for like 12 bagels..
Yummy they are good..
I go to work with the hot stuff and pass them out..
Gone in an instant..
Worked Sat.. Slow day.. One of the worst days I have ever worked there no money..
Came home and did shit..
I was supposed to go christmas shopping..
But someone bailed on those plans so I went home..
I was going to sleep and sleep I did..
I texted an ex neighbor/friends and she unloaded on me about her problems..
Which is ok..
I am sure I have done the same..
She asked what I was doing and I said nothing..
So I went back to my movie marathon..
I watched four movies SAT.. One of which twice because I fell asleep during it the first time..
Sunday..
Co-workers called WHILE I was at the bagel shop.. I had already placed my order and was waiting on the toaster..
They where out of bagels so I waited the five minutes to get the fresh ones..
Well fifteen/five mins what is the difference..
Left for work with HOT bagels out of the oven and TONS of cream cheese..
Get to work and decided that I did not want to work and gave my shift away..
I could have worked to make extra Christmas money but that is ok..
Other people are hurting worse than I am ...
Go home..
The person that bailed on shopping with me from earlier in the week..
They called and we went..
Get to the mall and my best friend called..
He had been in town all weekend and wanted to hang out..
I had just fought my way through holiday traffic..
Shouldered my way in to a parking spot..
Walked the mile to get inside the mall..
and was walking around the madness trying to shop..
I was not about to up and leave to go hangout when he would be here all next week..
So going to the mall was a bad idea..
I saw a present for her..
I saw another present for her...
Man I was kicking myself in the ass..
I could not stand it anymore so we finally did leave..
Went to the weekend job... ate and left..
came home to a cat that would not shutup..
returned a movie and got another..
Went to sleep trying to watch it..
I caught myself trying to put an arm around the couch back..
Man that is pretty pathetic..
I have yet to sleep in my bedroom since I got my couch..
I cannot bring myself to using a queen sized air mattress all by myself..
I like that fake person the couch gives me...
I started my drive in this morning and I knew there was something different..
I got halfway here and started feeling soo alone..
So empty..
Yeah so I have been alone now for a few weeks..
No big deal right..
I get close to the old place..
The anticipation grew.
I wanted to stop in and just shoot the shit..
See how things where going..
But then I realized no matter how much I wanted to do it..
I couldn't..
There was no one there..
It was an empty box..
Like the one I just came to..
I was alone.. officially..
There was no one here nor there..
See before I was alone but, I was not..
Anytime I did not want to feel that way I stopped over there..
I stopped in maybe just to see her sleeping..
But I knew that she was here.. somewhere here in the same area at least..
Yeah we where at our seperate places..
But there was always this ability to go and see her in the back of my head..
It was gone..
Well now it sucks..
I still have not gone to the old place to get anything that was left there..
I am dreading it.
I feel as though she is still here and that is the last hold out..
I was shut out for soo long I guess it should be different...
But it is really not..
I kept hope alive..
I waited for her to call all the time..
But it is ok..
I can understand about things..
I need to..
I must..
I cannot let myself think that anyone is going to change for me or be different...
I cannot ask anyone to change what they want in their life or how they want to live it..
All I can do is say here I am..
This is what I want in life..
Take it whole or leave it..
I cannot be divided..
I cannot be any different..
I have tried..
I have to live with the choices that I have made... and no one else..
I wish I could leave me choices to someone else..
I would be a happier person in my life..
I live to love..
I love to live..
I can only ask and not do..
I can only ask and not beg..
I can remember when I was little..
I wanted to be older..
I can remmeber when I was older..
I wanted to be little..
Is it not funny on how our opinion and attitude and perspective changes?
We are young and look at things like we are always right..
Headstrong and knowing..
We know I know what is best for me.
I know what I am going to do..
Get out of my way I can do it..
But sometimes maybe is it possible to fit a WE in there?
I can talk and talk until I cannot breathe anymore..
I can only hope that my words go someplace in your head..
That somehow someday you will understand how I feel...
Someday you will realize what I say..
But until that day..
All I can do is talk..
That is all I know to do..
I cannot do anything else but offer up my heart and help...
It hurts soo much to turn something you love away..
But when it is the right thing to do... you have to do it..
I feel like shit and such a failure..
I feel like there had to be something that I COULD have done..
But in reality..
I guess I did what I could..
I have to look at things not from my perspective..
I have learned that it is always going to be skewed..
I have to take a third person view..
Step outside of the box and the situation..
Hover above and see what is really going on..
Well..
Soo here I am now.. sitting waiting for work to do..
I got to work a little early today..
Nothing special just want some extra time..
No heat in here currently so I have my Down jacket on..
Why not devulge this until after?
Why?..
You have to make your choice without knowing what I think and feel..
I told you all this to your face..
I do not matter in the choices you make anymore..
When I started this it is what you wanted..
You wanted space..
You wanted a life..
Whatever you wanted you excluded me from it..
You had your own friends and did your own thing..
I was just there whenever I could fit into your schedule..
I know this may sound harsh..
But look at it..
I worked 2 jobs and still found time for you..
You talked to everyone else but me..
It is ok..
I understand and take it..
Like I have said before..
I hold no grudges..
I am not mad..
It is ok..
You are the only one that can fix and choose..
That is what I kept trying to tell you..
Your not stupid.. Your human..
Everyone makes mistakes..
All that matters is what you take away from those mistakes..
So..
You have a key to my apartment..
You know my phone number if you need to talk..
You know how to get in touch with me..
All I can do is tell you I am here for you...
I cannot take that step for you..
Firday night.. man what a weird night..
I got off work around 1:30 pm. Long day! OVERTIME YAY!!
I went home got some more movies and decided to try to sleep for a while..
I was watching the movies and sleeping on and off..
Around 6pm I finally went to sleep sleep..
11:08 pm I sat straight up..
I had this awful feelingI cannot explain it..
I felt like someone needed something..
I felt her..
I cannot explain this nor am I trying..
I am just saying what I thought and felt waking straight up from dead sleep..
I had this rush of emotions and feelings..
I started worrying..
I started thinking..
It was soo weird..
I did not like it..
I turned back over and tried to sleep..
I could not.. I got up and started pacing around.
Walking.. I wanted to get up and go..
Go to someplace..
But I could not..
I knew that this was the last night that she would be here..
I guess that must have been it..
Just something that passed..
I went back to bed around 12:30.. only after compulsively cleaning..
I finished laundry and folded and folded clothes..
Turned the movie back on and went to sleep..
Woke up Sat witht the normal tradition now of leaving for work early to get breakfast..
I hate being there by myself so I have been leaving to go to the weekend job early..
I found this bakery that has some great bagels on my way to work..
I have been bringing them in for myself now for a few weeks..
Co-Workers caught on..
I am not even out of the shower yet and they have called me wanting me to pick them up some..
So I go to the bakery and end up placing an order for like 12 bagels..
Yummy they are good..
I go to work with the hot stuff and pass them out..
Gone in an instant..
Worked Sat.. Slow day.. One of the worst days I have ever worked there no money..
Came home and did shit..
I was supposed to go christmas shopping..
But someone bailed on those plans so I went home..
I was going to sleep and sleep I did..
I texted an ex neighbor/friends and she unloaded on me about her problems..
Which is ok..
I am sure I have done the same..
She asked what I was doing and I said nothing..
So I went back to my movie marathon..
I watched four movies SAT.. One of which twice because I fell asleep during it the first time..
Sunday..
Co-workers called WHILE I was at the bagel shop.. I had already placed my order and was waiting on the toaster..
They where out of bagels so I waited the five minutes to get the fresh ones..
Well fifteen/five mins what is the difference..
Left for work with HOT bagels out of the oven and TONS of cream cheese..
Get to work and decided that I did not want to work and gave my shift away..
I could have worked to make extra Christmas money but that is ok..
Other people are hurting worse than I am ...
Go home..
The person that bailed on shopping with me from earlier in the week..
They called and we went..
Get to the mall and my best friend called..
He had been in town all weekend and wanted to hang out..
I had just fought my way through holiday traffic..
Shouldered my way in to a parking spot..
Walked the mile to get inside the mall..
and was walking around the madness trying to shop..
I was not about to up and leave to go hangout when he would be here all next week..
So going to the mall was a bad idea..
I saw a present for her..
I saw another present for her...
Man I was kicking myself in the ass..
I could not stand it anymore so we finally did leave..
Went to the weekend job... ate and left..
came home to a cat that would not shutup..
returned a movie and got another..
Went to sleep trying to watch it..
I caught myself trying to put an arm around the couch back..
Man that is pretty pathetic..
I have yet to sleep in my bedroom since I got my couch..
I cannot bring myself to using a queen sized air mattress all by myself..
I like that fake person the couch gives me...
I started my drive in this morning and I knew there was something different..
I got halfway here and started feeling soo alone..
So empty..
Yeah so I have been alone now for a few weeks..
No big deal right..
I get close to the old place..
The anticipation grew.
I wanted to stop in and just shoot the shit..
See how things where going..
But then I realized no matter how much I wanted to do it..
I couldn't..
There was no one there..
It was an empty box..
Like the one I just came to..
I was alone.. officially..
There was no one here nor there..
See before I was alone but, I was not..
Anytime I did not want to feel that way I stopped over there..
I stopped in maybe just to see her sleeping..
But I knew that she was here.. somewhere here in the same area at least..
Yeah we where at our seperate places..
But there was always this ability to go and see her in the back of my head..
It was gone..
Well now it sucks..
I still have not gone to the old place to get anything that was left there..
I am dreading it.
I feel as though she is still here and that is the last hold out..
I was shut out for soo long I guess it should be different...
But it is really not..
I kept hope alive..
I waited for her to call all the time..
But it is ok..
I can understand about things..
I need to..
I must..
I cannot let myself think that anyone is going to change for me or be different...
I cannot ask anyone to change what they want in their life or how they want to live it..
All I can do is say here I am..
This is what I want in life..
Take it whole or leave it..
I cannot be divided..
I cannot be any different..
I have tried..
I have to live with the choices that I have made... and no one else..
I wish I could leave me choices to someone else..
I would be a happier person in my life..
I live to love..
I love to live..
I can only ask and not do..
I can only ask and not beg..
I can remember when I was little..
I wanted to be older..
I can remmeber when I was older..
I wanted to be little..
Is it not funny on how our opinion and attitude and perspective changes?
We are young and look at things like we are always right..
Headstrong and knowing..
We know I know what is best for me.
I know what I am going to do..
Get out of my way I can do it..
But sometimes maybe is it possible to fit a WE in there?
I can talk and talk until I cannot breathe anymore..
I can only hope that my words go someplace in your head..
That somehow someday you will understand how I feel...
Someday you will realize what I say..
But until that day..
All I can do is talk..
That is all I know to do..
I cannot do anything else but offer up my heart and help...
It hurts soo much to turn something you love away..
But when it is the right thing to do... you have to do it..
I feel like shit and such a failure..
I feel like there had to be something that I COULD have done..
But in reality..
I guess I did what I could..
I have to look at things not from my perspective..
I have learned that it is always going to be skewed..
I have to take a third person view..
Step outside of the box and the situation..
Hover above and see what is really going on..
Well..
Soo here I am now.. sitting waiting for work to do..
I got to work a little early today..
Nothing special just want some extra time..
No heat in here currently so I have my Down jacket on..
Why not devulge this until after?
Why?..
You have to make your choice without knowing what I think and feel..
I told you all this to your face..
I do not matter in the choices you make anymore..
When I started this it is what you wanted..
You wanted space..
You wanted a life..
Whatever you wanted you excluded me from it..
You had your own friends and did your own thing..
I was just there whenever I could fit into your schedule..
I know this may sound harsh..
But look at it..
I worked 2 jobs and still found time for you..
You talked to everyone else but me..
It is ok..
I understand and take it..
Like I have said before..
I hold no grudges..
I am not mad..
It is ok..
You are the only one that can fix and choose..
That is what I kept trying to tell you..
Your not stupid.. Your human..
Everyone makes mistakes..
All that matters is what you take away from those mistakes..
So..
You have a key to my apartment..
You know my phone number if you need to talk..
You know how to get in touch with me..
All I can do is tell you I am here for you...
I cannot take that step for you..
Friday, December 17, 2004
Admiration..
I admire her..
She has done something for herself..
She choose something and stuck to it..
Not yeilding nor bending for anyone..
Sticking to what she wants..
That is admirable..
The choice has been made..
Saturday is the last day of her living here..
Her parents are coming down and moving her out..
Moving back to where she came from..
Where we met..
Without me in her life..
I will be lonely..
I will be..
I already am..
I know that I cannot make her be the person she does not want to be..
I know that I cannot help her without her wanting the help..
I know I cannot make choices for her..
She is the only one that makes the choices for herself..
She is the one who has to live with it..
I just deal with it and accept it as it comes..
I just follow the flow of things...
Whatever will be shall be..
I do not know what is going to become of me now..
What am I going to do?
Soo many things to think of and do..
I feel incomplete..
But I need to understand her needs..
I need to realize I am not the right thing for her..
I bring her down..
I am not as acceptable as other people...
We talked..
Yesterday for a good while..
I thanked her for being in my life and showing me the things she did..
I thanked her for changing my life..
I thanked her for putting me here..
I do not know where I would be without her..
I was in such a depression when I met her..
When she came into my life everyone noticed..
People knew that she made me happy..
That she cared about me..
Sh still cares about me..
That is why she is doing what she is doing..
She knows how I feel..
Understands that it hurts when things happen..
But she knows she cannot and will not change herself..
I cannot express enough thanks..
People might say that is weird..
But it is not..
Thanks is thanks.. Thanks is greatfullness..
Which I have plenty of..
She came into my life with a bang and is leaving with one to..
She will grow..
She will leave me in the back of her mind..
Which is good..
The place where I need te be..
I do not need to be in her thoughts..
I hurt..
I am sure she hurts as well..
But it is ok..
We all live our lives the way we choose and want..
We all have heartbreak and despair at somepoint in our lives..
Some of us just more than others..
My attitude about things sucks sometimes..
The weekend is fast approaching..
The time right before Christmas where everything is going to be crazy..
Where was I?
1 year ago?
Meeting her..
2 years ago? alone..
3 years ago? alone but not.. on the brink of heart break...
So my track record stands..
Not to swell around the holidays.. as you can see..
But I will press on..
I will get my own christmas presents..
I will do it all myself like I have done before..
I am just ready to have that holiday time..
The time of family..
The time of getting together..
Spoiling someone..
Loving someone..
Them loving me back..
What is wrong with me?
Is there something?
Is there a bigger plan for me that I cannot see?
Well I guess the only thing that I know for sure is to wait..
Wait and let time tell..
Because time will always tell..
Tells the truth and nothing but..
I miss you already..
I miss the times..
I miss the laughs..
I miss the touch..
I miss you..
I will press on..
back to work...
Today mindless and numbing..
She has done something for herself..
She choose something and stuck to it..
Not yeilding nor bending for anyone..
Sticking to what she wants..
That is admirable..
The choice has been made..
Saturday is the last day of her living here..
Her parents are coming down and moving her out..
Moving back to where she came from..
Where we met..
Without me in her life..
I will be lonely..
I will be..
I already am..
I know that I cannot make her be the person she does not want to be..
I know that I cannot help her without her wanting the help..
I know I cannot make choices for her..
She is the only one that makes the choices for herself..
She is the one who has to live with it..
I just deal with it and accept it as it comes..
I just follow the flow of things...
Whatever will be shall be..
I do not know what is going to become of me now..
What am I going to do?
Soo many things to think of and do..
I feel incomplete..
But I need to understand her needs..
I need to realize I am not the right thing for her..
I bring her down..
I am not as acceptable as other people...
We talked..
Yesterday for a good while..
I thanked her for being in my life and showing me the things she did..
I thanked her for changing my life..
I thanked her for putting me here..
I do not know where I would be without her..
I was in such a depression when I met her..
When she came into my life everyone noticed..
People knew that she made me happy..
That she cared about me..
Sh still cares about me..
That is why she is doing what she is doing..
She knows how I feel..
Understands that it hurts when things happen..
But she knows she cannot and will not change herself..
I cannot express enough thanks..
People might say that is weird..
But it is not..
Thanks is thanks.. Thanks is greatfullness..
Which I have plenty of..
She came into my life with a bang and is leaving with one to..
She will grow..
She will leave me in the back of her mind..
Which is good..
The place where I need te be..
I do not need to be in her thoughts..
I hurt..
I am sure she hurts as well..
But it is ok..
We all live our lives the way we choose and want..
We all have heartbreak and despair at somepoint in our lives..
Some of us just more than others..
My attitude about things sucks sometimes..
The weekend is fast approaching..
The time right before Christmas where everything is going to be crazy..
Where was I?
1 year ago?
Meeting her..
2 years ago? alone..
3 years ago? alone but not.. on the brink of heart break...
So my track record stands..
Not to swell around the holidays.. as you can see..
But I will press on..
I will get my own christmas presents..
I will do it all myself like I have done before..
I am just ready to have that holiday time..
The time of family..
The time of getting together..
Spoiling someone..
Loving someone..
Them loving me back..
What is wrong with me?
Is there something?
Is there a bigger plan for me that I cannot see?
Well I guess the only thing that I know for sure is to wait..
Wait and let time tell..
Because time will always tell..
Tells the truth and nothing but..
I miss you already..
I miss the times..
I miss the laughs..
I miss the touch..
I miss you..
I will press on..
back to work...
Today mindless and numbing..
Thursday, December 2, 2004
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