Admiration..

I admire her..
She has done something for herself..
She choose something and stuck to it..
Not yeilding nor bending for anyone..
Sticking to what she wants..
That is admirable..

The choice has been made..
Saturday is the last day of her living here..
Her parents are coming down and moving her out..
Moving back to where she came from..
Where we met..
Without me in her life..

I will be lonely..
I will be..
I already am..
I know that I cannot make her be the person she does not want to be..
I know that I cannot help her without her wanting the help..
I know I cannot make choices for her..

She is the only one that makes the choices for herself..
She is the one who has to live with it..
I just deal with it and accept it as it comes..
I just follow the flow of things...

Whatever will be shall be..
I do not know what is going to become of me now..
What am I going to do?
Soo many things to think of and do..

I feel incomplete..
But I need to understand her needs..
I need to realize I am not the right thing for her..
I bring her down..
I am not as acceptable as other people...

We talked..
Yesterday for a good while..
I thanked her for being in my life and showing me the things she did..
I thanked her for changing my life..
I thanked her for putting me here..
I do not know where I would be without her..

I was in such a depression when I met her..
When she came into my life everyone noticed..
People knew that she made me happy..
That she cared about me..

Sh still cares about me..
That is why she is doing what she is doing..
She knows how I feel..
Understands that it hurts when things happen..
But she knows she cannot and will not change herself..

I cannot express enough thanks..
People might say that is weird..
But it is not..
Thanks is thanks.. Thanks is greatfullness..
Which I have plenty of..

She came into my life with a bang and is leaving with one to..
She will grow..
She will leave me in the back of her mind..
Which is good..
The place where I need te be..
I do not need to be in her thoughts..
I hurt..

I am sure she hurts as well..
But it is ok..
We all live our lives the way we choose and want..
We all have heartbreak and despair at somepoint in our lives..
Some of us just more than others..

My attitude about things sucks sometimes..


The weekend is fast approaching..
The time right before Christmas where everything is going to be crazy..
Where was I?
1 year ago?
Meeting her..
2 years ago? alone..
3 years ago? alone but not.. on the brink of heart break...

So my track record stands..
Not to swell around the holidays.. as you can see..
But I will press on..
I will get my own christmas presents..
I will do it all myself like I have done before..
I am just ready to have that holiday time..
The time of family..
The time of getting together..

Spoiling someone..
Loving someone..
Them loving me back..

What is wrong with me?
Is there something?
Is there a bigger plan for me that I cannot see?
Well I guess the only thing that I know for sure is to wait..
Wait and let time tell..
Because time will always tell..
Tells the truth and nothing but..

I miss you already..
I miss the times..
I miss the laughs..
I miss the touch..
I miss you..

I will press on..
back to work...
Today mindless and numbing..