Another one of those recaps...

Well let's see where to begin..
Firday night.. man what a weird night..
I got off work around 1:30 pm. Long day! OVERTIME YAY!!
I went home got some more movies and decided to try to sleep for a while..
I was watching the movies and sleeping on and off..
Around 6pm I finally went to sleep sleep..
11:08 pm I sat straight up..
I had this awful feelingI cannot explain it..
I felt like someone needed something..
I felt her..
I cannot explain this nor am I trying..
I am just saying what I thought and felt waking straight up from dead sleep..
I had this rush of emotions and feelings..
I started worrying..
I started thinking..
It was soo weird..
I did not like it..
I turned back over and tried to sleep..
I could not.. I got up and started pacing around.
Walking.. I wanted to get up and go..
Go to someplace..
But I could not..

I knew that this was the last night that she would be here..
I guess that must have been it..
Just something that passed..
I went back to bed around 12:30.. only after compulsively cleaning..
I finished laundry and folded and folded clothes..

Turned the movie back on and went to sleep..

Woke up Sat witht the normal tradition now of leaving for work early to get breakfast..
I hate being there by myself so I have been leaving to go to the weekend job early..
I found this bakery that has some great bagels on my way to work..
I have been bringing them in for myself now for a few weeks..
Co-Workers caught on..

I am not even out of the shower yet and they have called me wanting me to pick them up some..
So I go to the bakery and end up placing an order for like 12 bagels..
Yummy they are good..
I go to work with the hot stuff and pass them out..
Gone in an instant..

Worked Sat.. Slow day.. One of the worst days I have ever worked there no money..
Came home and did shit..
I was supposed to go christmas shopping..
But someone bailed on those plans so I went home..
I was going to sleep and sleep I did..
I texted an ex neighbor/friends and she unloaded on me about her problems..
Which is ok..
I am sure I have done the same..

She asked what I was doing and I said nothing..
So I went back to my movie marathon..
I watched four movies SAT.. One of which twice because I fell asleep during it the first time..
Sunday..

Co-workers called WHILE I was at the bagel shop.. I had already placed my order and was waiting on the toaster..
They where out of bagels so I waited the five minutes to get the fresh ones..
Well fifteen/five mins what is the difference..
Left for work with HOT bagels out of the oven and TONS of cream cheese..

Get to work and decided that I did not want to work and gave my shift away..
I could have worked to make extra Christmas money but that is ok..
Other people are hurting worse than I am ...
Go home..
The person that bailed on shopping with me from earlier in the week..
They called and we went..
Get to the mall and my best friend called..
He had been in town all weekend and wanted to hang out..
I had just fought my way through holiday traffic..
Shouldered my way in to a parking spot..
Walked the mile to get inside the mall..
and was walking around the madness trying to shop..
I was not about to up and leave to go hangout when he would be here all next week..

So going to the mall was a bad idea..
I saw a present for her..
I saw another present for her...
Man I was kicking myself in the ass..
I could not stand it anymore so we finally did leave..

Went to the weekend job... ate and left..
came home to a cat that would not shutup..
returned a movie and got another..
Went to sleep trying to watch it..

I caught myself trying to put an arm around the couch back..
Man that is pretty pathetic..
I have yet to sleep in my bedroom since I got my couch..
I cannot bring myself to using a queen sized air mattress all by myself..
I like that fake person the couch gives me...

I started my drive in this morning and I knew there was something different..
I got halfway here and started feeling soo alone..
So empty..
Yeah so I have been alone now for a few weeks..
No big deal right..

I get close to the old place..
The anticipation grew.
I wanted to stop in and just shoot the shit..
See how things where going..

But then I realized no matter how much I wanted to do it..
I couldn't..
There was no one there..
It was an empty box..
Like the one I just came to..

I was alone.. officially..
There was no one here nor there..
See before I was alone but, I was not..
Anytime I did not want to feel that way I stopped over there..
I stopped in maybe just to see her sleeping..
But I knew that she was here.. somewhere here in the same area at least..
Yeah we where at our seperate places..
But there was always this ability to go and see her in the back of my head..
It was gone..
Well now it sucks..
I still have not gone to the old place to get anything that was left there..
I am dreading it.
I feel as though she is still here and that is the last hold out..

I was shut out for soo long I guess it should be different...
But it is really not..
I kept hope alive..
I waited for her to call all the time..
But it is ok..
I can understand about things..
I need to..
I must..
I cannot let myself think that anyone is going to change for me or be different...
I cannot ask anyone to change what they want in their life or how they want to live it..
All I can do is say here I am..
This is what I want in life..
Take it whole or leave it..
I cannot be divided..
I cannot be any different..
I have tried..
I have to live with the choices that I have made... and no one else..
I wish I could leave me choices to someone else..
I would be a happier person in my life..

I live to love..
I love to live..
I can only ask and not do..
I can only ask and not beg..

I can remember when I was little..
I wanted to be older..

I can remmeber when I was older..
I wanted to be little..

Is it not funny on how our opinion and attitude and perspective changes?
We are young and look at things like we are always right..
Headstrong and knowing..
We know I know what is best for me.
I know what I am going to do..
Get out of my way I can do it..
But sometimes maybe is it possible to fit a WE in there?

I can talk and talk until I cannot breathe anymore..
I can only hope that my words go someplace in your head..
That somehow someday you will understand how I feel...
Someday you will realize what I say..

But until that day..
All I can do is talk..
That is all I know to do..
I cannot do anything else but offer up my heart and help...
It hurts soo much to turn something you love away..
But when it is the right thing to do... you have to do it..
I feel like shit and such a failure..
I feel like there had to be something that I COULD have done..
But in reality..
I guess I did what I could..

I have to look at things not from my perspective..
I have learned that it is always going to be skewed..
I have to take a third person view..
Step outside of the box and the situation..
Hover above and see what is really going on..

Well..

Soo here I am now.. sitting waiting for work to do..
I got to work a little early today..
Nothing special just want some extra time..
No heat in here currently so I have my Down jacket on..

Why not devulge this until after?
Why?..
You have to make your choice without knowing what I think and feel..
I told you all this to your face..
I do not matter in the choices you make anymore..
When I started this it is what you wanted..

You wanted space..
You wanted a life..
Whatever you wanted you excluded me from it..
You had your own friends and did your own thing..
I was just there whenever I could fit into your schedule..
I know this may sound harsh..
But look at it..
I worked 2 jobs and still found time for you..
You talked to everyone else but me..
It is ok..
I understand and take it..
Like I have said before..
I hold no grudges..
I am not mad..
It is ok..
You are the only one that can fix and choose..
That is what I kept trying to tell you..
Your not stupid.. Your human..
Everyone makes mistakes..
All that matters is what you take away from those mistakes..
So..
You have a key to my apartment..
You know my phone number if you need to talk..
You know how to get in touch with me..
All I can do is tell you I am here for you...
I cannot take that step for you..