Christmas Bah Humbagh..

I finally broke down..
I went shopping..
Although I have BEEN shopping now for the past week..
I went to one mall in the past week, but with not REAL intentions of christmas shopping.
So, I finally went with the intentions of shopping for people and their gifts..
I have protested long enough..
I came home rented Napoleon Dynomite and The Manchurian Canidate and watched them both before finally falling asleep.
Then when I did waek up I was groggy and still tired..
My body protesting the actions I was about to perform..
Along with my wallet..
so onward I go to the mall.. I grab a friend to go along since I am hating this shit already why not bring someone else down..
First things first...
We had to eat dinner..
I have been frequenting the places to ea around my apartment thatI can walk to..
Of course no walking last night..
Went to a little Greek/Italian place called Valentino's..
Family owned..
Mom and Pop around 65 years old own it..
More food than you can handle for 3 meals..
Eat very picky..
Stuffed as a turkey on thanksgiving day...
We depart for the infamous shopping trip..
We go to a mall that is really right down the road..
Been there once before but only to pickup something..
In other words I knew exactly which store I was going to and everything..
This time it is different..
Christmas Traffic..
This mall is not like the other ones that I have been to in GA..
This is pretty much an immigrant mall with some african flavor splash in..
To put it nicely it was pretty much ghetto..
But heck Merry Christmas right?

Go through the center court and notice this guy riding the elevator up and down holding his child...
Kind of a troubling situation..
Mall security at both the top and bottom floors trying to get him off..
Aparently he was stuck in the elevator with his screaming child..
Sucks for him..
Bet he will never ride the elevator again in that mall..
Went on the whole time we where shopping there..
Spent 4 hours..
Walked away buying a gift for one person..
I hate this..
Go home and by now it is like 10pm..
I have to sleep considering I did not get much earlier in the day..
Pop in another movie.. since I had already watched my two for the day I went back to blockbuster and got two more..
Hero.. and something else..
Is it not sad..
I look forward now to Tuesdays for one reason only..
Blockbuster has the new releases.. I jusst cannot wait as soon as I get off of work I head straight to PocketBuster.. and get th new movies out..
I lead a boring life right now..
That is all i have to look forward to..
I wish I had motivation to do something else..
But why..
What is the reason..
There really is not one..

Someday I will find motivation again.
Someday there will be happiness again..
I will not delude myself with visions and hopes..
I will achieve and succeed..
I will seek out and take..
Ahh..

My pocket book is tight as of late.. I am not happy about spending money.. but yet I will not go grocery shopping..
I hate cooking for myself only..
I hate being there with myself only..
I find myself dazing off when I have been driving as of late.. Zoning out..
Although on the way home a car caught my interest and I stopped in to look at it..
350Z.. copper color the same color I was looking at for my truck..
Ahhhh... one day.. My dreams will all become my reality..
I am just going to keep plugging away at what I do and keep my chin up..
I know now that hard work will be rewarded..
That time is valuable.. yes..
But that I cannot rush or push something...

I find it sad that I have to wear long johns to work..
I have to wear thermal underwear because this MOTHER FUCKING place for some reason has yet to turn on the heat... With the lows in the teens and the warehouse on the other side of my wall there is not much insulation...
Sitting on my ass all day is not healthy also..

Oh man.. we have secret santa here and I got my boss as the person to buy for.. Geeze lou eeze..
I dunno what to get..
Maybe a gift card to the liqour store?
Do they sell those?
I am going to check into that at the local package store..

Soo the time has come to clean the old apartment..
I have to stop by and start cleaning the place..
So I will not get a cleaning bill..
I am turning off the electricity in the morning.. befor ehte holidays...
Turning that off is going to be like shutting a door on my past..
I can remember like yesterday the day when I called to have everything turned on..
Standing in the kitchen of our ever soo beautiful apartment..
Talking on the phone for like 2 hours getting EVERYTHING setup..
Gas..
Electric..
Newspaper..
All in one phone call..
Ohh yeah and Phone service that never came to the house?

I wonder what happened there?

So it is one chapter in my life that is closing..
The ghetto apartment..
The constant Mexicans..
The offers to buy this STOLEN jewerly and that..
"The car accidents", Both hers and mine.. Both NOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH US..
But Some FUCKING MEXICANS..
Now I am not racists or what not and it may seem I am from this particular post..
But A. They do not know how to drive..
And B. They are more judgemental than Americans..
But that story is for another time..

I understand certain situations..
Why?
because I have been there before and realize..
It is hard to love someone when you do not know what direction you want to go in life..
Why?
Your testing things out..
Your trying things you have never done before..
Your working on fitting in and becoming what we all want in the end...
But working to that end goal is the key..
Where you learn what you like and want in life..

I have had examples my whole life of what to do and not to do..
Examples that where not meant to be seen like that but I took what I saw and said...
"Hey, I do not want to be like that nor end up like that."
Something I did is setup a little goal system..
Not to live my life by..
But something to go by like a guideline..
If I never achieve those goals so be it..
I know I tried and put every effort into what I wanted..
If it is not meant to be then it is not meant to be..
But I know in my heart I gave things a shot..

I am a headstrong and gola oriented person..
I know what I want in life..
I cannot help it..
I know what I went without in my life growing up and it is something I wish I had dearly..
Soo wanting that dearly I try and surround my life with it..
But not everyone sees eye to eye and apge to page..
We all have been brought up different..
The same basic components where there but...
We all live our lives out differently.

Love

It is something we all desire..
A basic yet complex emotion..
Something we cannot live without in one form or another..
It really is not..

The human emotion of love entails different aspects..
Romantic Love..
Unconditional Love..
Sibling Love..
Family Love..

Those are just a few of many..
But each one has it's very own different category..
Each one has its own different stage..
But our lives basically fall in and around that..
Why?
The desire to be accepted.. to be needed and wanted.. to be touched.. to touch.. to share..
everything encompasses love..
It is addictive..
You will do anything for it really..
Without thinking of yourself of other people..
It is because humans crave it soo much..
We have been brought up seeing it, hearing it, speaking it...
It has been force feed into our brain and hardwired into our anatomy..
It is something we will always desire in one way or anther..
Yet at times in our lives we are not ready for one or all of the above..
Nothing is wrong with you..
Your just not ready for what I have to offer you..
It is ok..
I understand..

I am just someone who has a goal in the future something I want to look forward to..
I am not upset that you changed your mind..
I am not worried about what is going to happen anymore..
You are you..
You choose what happiness and what hurt to bring into your life..
But, you can only run for so long from your past..
You must comfront your past and learn how to deal with it..
You never talked to me about it..
I understand..
But you must deal with what happened before you can realize how you can love and how someone can really love you..
Because they really can love you..
I do..
I have told you time and time again trying to get it in your head..
You are a wonderful person..
You have just troubled yourself and clouded your thoughts with past feelings and emotions..
Things that happened in the past that You lament over daily..
It hurt me to see you be soo sad over D...
Everyday waiting and wanting..
Why? Cause you blamed yourself..
You blame yourself for everything..
But somethings are not in your control..
and somethings are not what they seem to be..

People lie..
They lie to cover up what?
Themselves and their feelings..
They hate conflict and hate being hurt..
It is how long they can live that lie that ends up hurting them..
Turning on what they thought would be something easy and good to do...

But who am I?
I am nothing but a person with no real education in life..
Just a bunch of obsevances.. Nothing but a bunch of experiences..
Just a normal person..
Someone who just hurts..
Tries to rationalize his life..
Tries to hard sometimes to give people what he "thinks" they need or want..
I am nothing really..
Just someone who could leave and never be noticed..
I have done it before and did it recently..
Soo it really does not matter what I say or do or think in my life..
It only matters to me..
I can only hope that someone understands and realizes the same hopes and dreams as me one day..
But whatever.. I do it to myself..