What the fuck is wrong with me?

I have a chance of a lifetime..
A once in a blue moon occurence..
Never happened never will happen ever again..

I lament daily about the love that I have lost..
Yet why do I turn it away?

I write and write and write about what happened and what I miss..
And yet I turn it away?..

I am soo scared..
I am unsure of myself..
I mean I am not sure I could keep and make this person happy to be able to stay where she wants to stay..
I could not do it before..
I do not think I could do it now..
We turned each other away..
We fought at each others throat..

How do I know that this time it could be for real>?
Do you want me or the friends that you have here?
What do you want?
You say me but are you sure..
How can you be sure when you are unsure of yourself..
I dunno..
I am just looking for answers that maybe you cannot give..
I am just looking for something you may not be willing to give..
Maybe it is reverse and you are willing to give you just do not know how..
I make this harder on myself than I should..

I think my head will be clearer after Friday..
Who knows..

So the weekend went pretty good..
I could not ask for a better time with someone I care so much for..
I mean we are great together..
Titans Game..
Stopping by her parents house..
I miss all that..
Spending nice time with her...
Coming home to her..
her waking me up..
I mean it is all good..
But is it all to good?
What happens if she comes back?
I am soo afraid of heartbreak..
I am soo afraid of hurt..
I tormented myself of what I did wrong before..
I am scared that I am taking something away from her..
I am worried that I am not good enough for her..

I dunno..
Maybe I am just stupid..
Maybe I am just right..
I want her to be happy..
Does she know how to be happy?

I think that me thinking about it for a few days I will have a better hold on things..
By then it will be to late..
SHe will have been set in her ways..

But something she wanted she might get..
She has always wanted to have a place with her roomates err get some roomates..
Soo she might have a a good deal out of this..
Who knows..
I know I do not ..

Christmas came and went like it always does..
Family fueds..
Over dinner..
We had the usual cast of characters this year..
The matriach.. the grandmother... Cooking all day...
My aunt trying to help..
Me stepping in where my aunt fails..
Man it is kind of sad..
My aunt and mother.. They can sort of cook..
But when it comes down to it..
Those helping of genes went straight from my grandmother to me..

It is awfully funny though..
I mean I have to give them some credit they can cook just a little..
but.. like I said theymake something and I perfect it..
Not trying to gloat or anything..
I just tell the truth..

But it is all good..
I got presents from my mother..
Unexpected..
Nothing really important..
Always the same stuff..
Clothes that are to big for me..

Useless items that I will never use..
But it is the thought that counts..
I would rather them not think about me at all really..
Well not at all is a little harsh..
Maybe just not buy me things I do not need..