Good Morning Sunshine..

Wow.. A weekend plus one has gone by and a lot of things have happened..
I do not know really where to even start. Everything is good no less but things are just odd. Life has changed dramastically. Well I will be working some good hours this week.. Talk later..

Wow POWER

So today I have ordering POWER.. I am placing a huge logistical order with our supplier of equipment.. UPS Logistics.. Sticking it to the company that is trying to stick it to me.. MWAHAHAHAH... Anyways not really..
I am working doubles today.. AND NEXT WEEK long hours.. I am going to have to suck it up and work nights for the end of the week.. Ohh well Never hurts to have a nice little check at the end of the day..
Nonethe less the roomates car broke down. :( early morning trips to Marta to help him out.. I feel bad for him..
I talked to one of his friends last night..
Gay of course..
But he made me feel better about my situation..
He has been a diabetic since the ripe old age of 14..
Been on the pump now for years..
Me just starting this voyage..
It is still the first day on the cruise that will last my entire life...
We talked and talked until Liam's phone went dead..
I feel soo much better about handling this problem and taking care of the situation rather than what has been going through my head..
Lots of bad thoughts..
Soo I am going to post this and come back to this topic soon..
I wish life where easier right now..
Christopher..
I wish I had someone to help make it easier.. Ohh well..

Humm days may suck...

Well This may actually stink for me..
I might not like days to much..
But anyways..
Life is still going.. Cannot complain, I mean I am alive and kicking and working. I saw her yesterday for a brief moment. I tried not to show my sadness for her. I tried not to show how much I am hurting. We talked for a little while and had a good conversation. I miss her... I might not just miss her but the things that went on.. Like the dog, the bickering, the arguments, stupid little things that you know you always take for granted. But you cannto complain about anything it will not get any better. She is her own person and makes her own choices. Whether or not she considers other people is another thing but she makes her own choices.
She is really a great person just trying to find herself in her life and the big world we live in.
I was in her shoes. Sort of, I mean I thought things came easy and that there are easy jobs out there to make money. But there is not. The jobs that pay good have restrictions on them. You give up something for something..
She mentioned that she is so desperate that she is going to go and strip or seel stuff for money. Ok got ya. One if you become a strippe it would be so hard to go to class unless your freaking strung out from staying up all night.. because yeah there is a lunch shift at CERTAIN strip clubs but none around here.. 2 if your going to sell something and get caught you would NEVER be able to get help from the government in funding your education. But heck what does my opinion matter to you? I had to yell at you sometimes to get you to believe in yourself and take the steps you needed to get to your dream. I had to push you and kick you in the ass..
I am just no body..
Forget that I came into your life.. Ruined your friendships, moved you to a place where you had no friends.. Kicked you out of the place you where living..
I just wish you could love me like I love you I guess.. But heck that is to much to ask.. I just wish that you are happy in your life..
I know I repeat myself over and over in here..
But I do it because it is what is inside my head.. The ideas floating around not going anywhere..
One day you will find someone that you will realize you will not be able to live without.. When that day comes I will be happy for you.. Because you and I both deserve that feeling.. You and I both want that.. just at different times in our lives. Which is fine..
One day I hope you look back like you do with all your other relationships and friends and realize that you where really happy.. Someday we will sit down and talk to each other and things will be really good..
But unitl then who knows..
I guess I better get back to work.
I just wnated to get those things out of my head..

Hmm

Days days days days..
Yays yays yays yays
Days days days days

How is it easy?

How is this easy?
I mean it seems so easy for you to just forget what happened between us.. WHy am I so upset over this? Maybe because I thought I found someone that wanted to spend their life with me? I do not know anymore.. I do no tknow who I am what I want now.. I am soo fucked up and so stressed about my life.. I just want normalacy.. I just want someone to love me unconditionally. I just want someone who cares.. I have faced this situation before.. I hate being like this and I hate being alone. It is even harder now that she is right here under my nose. Right here within driving distance and I cannot even see her. It is even harder because I feel like I have not only failed myself but failed her in her life. I feel like such a loser. I do not know why. I wish I could just let things go and move on about my life. I just feel so empty without her around. I wish I could block all these painful memories out. I wish that I could just cut off contact with her. But there is something inside me that will not let go..
My love for her is just still so strong.. I cannot stop it or turn it off like I should be able to. I am so attracted to her still.. What is it that makes me so attracted to this person? What is it that I cannot deny my love?
I am soo fucked up in my head guess that I cannot get a clue as to what I should do and not do.. I guess that I will go through life being a dumbass..
I hate myself soo much right now because I feel like am nothign but a failure..
I guess that is what I need..
Forget about me and forget about my needs..

What a tangle we live in..

Well the weekend has come and gone..
Nothing much but work has gone on this past weekend...
I went out Sat night to a local place called Dave and Busters with a friend..
We had a good time..
We played the night away with games..

Won alot of stuff still have alot of points on my card to go back and win alot more.. Err
Cash in my points for prizes..

Anyways..
Life has been really quite lately..
I still have not made it into sleep in my bed yet.
I have been staying on the couch now for a couple of weeks..
I have not been able to bring my self to go and get into the big bed by myself..
I know it would be really lonely and I would just make myself upset..

It is hard to go from sleeping with someone for a while to nothing..
I mean it is not like we had spent years together but the time we did spend together was great and I had always been able to sleep good with her there..
We talked this past weekend on the phone..
Not for a long time but long enough to make me miss what I thought we had. I will eventually heal..... I have been keeping myself pretty busy so that I do not have the leisure time of coming home to an emtpy house. So far it is working..
I will start working days for a little while here shortly and hopefully it will help the whole thing of being alone. I will be able to go out on a normal schedule and have fun. Go out Friday nights and the weekend and not be so tired.. That will be good. But, I am not sure I will like the job itself.. Who knows we will find out shortly.. When I am thrown into it. I Am so stressed right now in life.. I am trying hard not to show it to anyone but it has seemed like the whole world has come down around me and come undone in the past couple months. I know things will get better, it is just hard sometimes holding on to hope. Becasue that is the only thing I have to hold on to.
But, on the other hand I am young attractive and smart..
I have a good job and alot of things going for me. Today this older couple came into Chilis and We talked forever. I was not that busy and they asked me to sit down and talk about life with them. When I first approached the table they promprtly started arguing. When we where talking they said that when they where doing that it did not even phase me. I told them it was just a testament to their love for each other. Their ability to sit down argue and move on that w=quickly. She told me it was because he was such a good man and that she loved him and he agreed.

Ohh yeah this weekend I went to eat at a place called Champs sports Bar and Grille.. It reminded me of Jocks..
Everyone was wearing Black tight pants and black shirts.. I just kept thinking of her.. I just kept ordering drinks as well.. Hoping that I would forget about it.. But nonetheless the food was ok and I even played some golf...
I was glad when we left.. The place was HUGE! Then we went to D&B.. 21 after 9pm.. But when we got in there... KIDS all around.. Dunno why you had to be 21 to get in because there where plenty of children in and around the place..
Well anyways.. I am going to go to work.. Sometime today I have to jet back home to pickup my lunch and my nextel phone so that I can work today.. Woops I forgot it..
I know things will stop hurting soon..

Man..

Maybe it was because I was working for a full 24 hours yesterday or something but..
I grew really down on myself..
I introspected on the way to work and was thinking of how I am such a shitty person. I dunno why..
Then I thought to myself..
I am an island in a vastly endless sea. Someone come and sail out to me and relax.
I guess that is how I approach things. Let them come to me..
I need to go to them..
Christopher

What a day..

Yesterday was pretty big..
I stalked the FREE MONEY FUGITIVE..
I have put together a team so that we can canvass the area alot better.

After the stalking episode I decided to go and meet with her.
We met at Target near her house and talked for a good long while almost an hour.
The air was cleared and things put to rest.
I feel much better about life and about what was said.
I apologized, but of course not her..
I talked she listened and we both agreed on things.
I am just tired of being in the middle of things..
I cannot deal!

So on another note today is going to be a long day. I work here and ALL day at Chilis. I am going to be a play manager. YAY! OTIS!
Soo things will be fun there today.
Free Food..
13 bucks an hour!
What more could you ask for? I am going to get all snazzzzed up and go in there looking like a million dollars! They are going to be SHOCKED..
I am working on plans for this weekend..
Not sure what to do as of yet but I want to go out and meet people..
Since I cannot depend solely on one person..
Which I thought I could..
But it is ok..
I will be ok..
She will be ok..
I am grateful we got to talk..
Anyways..
I am going to run..
Good luck on my search for eternal happiness! :)

As it goes...

Soo as it goes I have not had contact with her in three straight days now..
No word no text message nothing..
She just posted to her LJ so that we can read it..
What to do what to do..

Do I call?
Do I text?
Well I think I am going to leave things up to her.
I would like to still have some sort of contact with her..
Maybe a dinner now and then..
Maybe a date every so often..

Who knows..
We shall see..
I just want the touch..
The somewhat feeling of acceptance from someone again..
The special intimate moments..
It will come in due time..
When everything is right..
Oh well..
Till then
:(

You read what I want you to...

It is kind of funny..
When someone wants me to read what is going on in their life they let me..
When they want you to feel bad for them they post it for everyone to see..
Otherwise they keep the posts "friends only", after I have been taken off that list..
So whatever..
If you want to keep part of your life private cool..
Keep it all private..
I do not want to read only when things are going bad..
What do you want me to do?

Soo today was an adventure in itself..
I get off from working for 12 hours and come home..
Lay on the couch for 15 mins and get a call stating that my roomates car is broke down..
I offered help and drove into downtown ATL.
Ewww..
I get there promptly call a tow and begin the waiting game..
2.5 hours later the truck to tow shows up..
I promptly get cursed out when I tell him where we are going..
G-D traffic..
"Hey budy," I thought to myself, "if you do not like you job then get another one, but do not complain or take it out on me."
He had no idea that I had just worked all night long and that this was cutting into my sleepy time!
Soo after the LONG drive back, because he would not go to fast...
I drift right off to sleep...
Waking up at around the normal 12Am..

Yesterday I was given the clearence for the Day hours..
I will be working days for a little while!!!
At least for a couple of months.. YAY@!@@!@@
I am excited about that!

Soo when things are going bad I have just reminded myself to look at the good..
Because that is all I have anymore..
The good thoughts..
The good memories..
I just need to get my good appetite back..

Well I was given a challenge to get two dates by the end of the week..
Why?
To help me in the moral department..
I am a little down and all so maybe blowing some moey on some random chick will help right?
Wine them and dine them..
I dunno..
We will see..

I think that solitude will do me good for the time being..
Who knows..
I might just hire a prostitute..
I know I will get action at the end of the night no matter what!

Well I guess it is off to the work..
I have surfed and played long enough now..
Remember when you think you know someone and trust them
Most likely..
You have no clue..
Christopher

Friendly friends

Don't you just hate it when your friends give you advice..
Well not when they give you advice but you do not listen to them..
and then they just love saing..
I TOLD YOU SO..

sometimes I hate that..
I need my mojo back that I never had..

I feel like the forrest gump movie sometimes..
Lord.. Make me a bird.. so I can fly far.. Far far away from here..
Repeat
repeat
repeat...
repeat ........
Never stop repeating until I say so..

Ode to the weeekend..

So another weekend has gone by..
Another week at that..
Lonley and dissapointing week..

It seems so easy for you to let go..
To shut that chapter in your life and move on..
Without a thought..
Without a glance back..
Turn your head and there you go..

Will you one day look back?
Will you think of the good times we had?
Will you ever forget what we had together?

I guess those things do not really matter any more..
My mother came down this weekend..
She helped me feel better..
Which is something that has not doen alot in my life..

Someone who has really never been there is now there when I have needed her..
It is really weird in fact..
Ohh well I am not complaining about anything..
She brought our dog down as well..
Made me feel great..
Saber..
The dog I hated fo so long because he chewed my shit up..

I think I am going to get me a little runt..
Something that will keep me company..
Something that will love me for me and not turn it's back on me..
That is what I need..

Be the best relationship I have had in a long time..
I am soo lonely in life..
I guess I have been lonely for a long time..
I never really relaized it..
Ohh well..

Woe is not me..
I will go through life as happy as I can make it..
I will live my life and make no one happy but me..
That is all I can do..
That is all I should have been doing..

I have soo much to be thankful for in my life anyways why should I worry about trivial things anymore..
Why should I let someone bring me down..
I am a good person..
I have high hopes and goals..
I will be just fine..

Well I just wondered why it seemed so easy for one person to go on..
Why not me..
Why is it not as easy for me..
Who knows..

I will just try to live my own life and try to just make me happy..
Live on.........

Random thoughts..

I have worked myself over all day long..
What did I do wrong?
What could I have done better?
Where did I fail?
Why did I let her down?
Could I have given anything else?

I ran these questions and MANY more through my head ALL DAY..
I could not sleep..
I have not slept in the bed since she left..
I cannot bring myself to do it..

The couch is so hugging and comforting..
Though the roomate is helping alot as well..
He is renforcing me and helping me through this..
It is a tough situation..
I thought that she was the one that would marry me and have the life that I dream of..
I thought she might have wanted the same..

I am always wrong about shit like that I guess..
I feel like such a loser in life..
I cannot seem to get things together..

To top it all off now it is hard for me to do normal things..
It is hard for me to just go out and eat a meal..
Ohh I know woe is me..
All these whinings and stupid little things..

But I do not know what else to do..

I wanted to see her and talk to her face tonight..
But she had previous plans..
It is cool.. I guess..
I never expected her to DROP what she was doing for me..
or maybe I did..
Who knows..
We arranged a meeting though tomorrow night at waffle house so that I can talk with her..
that is all I want to do..
Talk to her and listen..
She never has anything to say..
I always just talk..

But after a year and some time..
Moving to another location in the country with her..
Getting her hard headed ass into school to try and reach her dream..
THAT WAS A CHALLENGE..
I kept telling her I believe in her more than she does in her own self..
And that is true..

But we all have our own deamons..
Our own secrets..
What I do not understand is how she could come back to me and lie to my face about things..
That is waht I really want to know.. All I want to know..
Hopefully she can explain.

I have worked myself over all day long..
What did I do wrong?
What could I have done better?
Where did I fail?
Why did I let her down?
Could I have given anything else?
I ran these questions and MANY more through my head ALL DAY..
I could not sleep..
I have not slept in the bed since she left..
I cannot bring myself to do it..
The couch is so hugging and comforting..
Though the roomate is helping alot as well..
He is renforcing me and helping me through this..
It is a tough situation..
I thought that she was the one that would marry me and have the life that I dream of..
I thought she might have wanted the same..
I am always wrong about shit like that I guess..
I feel like such a loser in life..
I cannot seem to get things together..
To top it all off now it is hard for me to do normal things..
It is hard for me to just go out and eat a meal..
Ohh I know woe is me..
All these whinings and stupid little things..
But I do not know what else to do..
I wanted to see her and talk to her face tonight..
But she had previous plans..
It is cool..
I guess..
I never expected her to DROP what she was doing for me..
or maybe I did..
Who knows..
We arranged a meeting though tomorrow night at waffle house so that I can talk with her..
that is all I want to do..
Talk to her and listen..
She never has anything to say..
I always just talk..
But after a year and some time..
Moving to another location in the country with her..
Getting her hard headed ass into school to try and reach her dream..
THAT WAS A CHALLENGE..
I kept telling her I believe in her more than she does in her own self..
And that is true..
But we all have our own deamons..
Our own secrets..
What I do not understand is how she could come back to me and lie to my face about things..
That is waht I really want to know..
All I want to know..
Hopefully we can figure it out...
I just want closer to things..
Seems like I am leaving sooo many things just dangling over the edge..
Well back to work.. someon has to do it..

Friends..

Soo another day turns the bend and I am sitting here at my computer STILL..
My life has completely changed from what I had envisioned and hoped for just from a few weeks ago...
I lost the person that I cared for..
Well not lost they made their own choices..
But had to loose..
I do not want to be lied to..
I do not want to make them feel like they have to lie to me..
If that is the case then things should be different..
Like they are now..
I was once a very important role in their life..
But now I am moving back to the shawdows and just going to listen to their stories..
Let them tell me about their life and how things have gone..
I have made my own mistakes in life..
Why try to stop other people from doing it?
I guess we all need that little learning experience sometime..
But she got her dream..
I gave her that..
I stuck things through to make sure that she would have what she thinks she wants out of life..
That is the least I could do..
I mean heck.. ya know..
So for a while things will be hard because I am going to be very lonely..
No one to have in wakeup to..
On the other hand..
Things might be changing at work drastically..
50-50 chance of me going to days..
Ohh yeah..
I will be loving that!.. Normal schedule!!
But things are up in the air right now..
Because our beloved dispatcher could be leaving..
She has been to some interviews..
Gone to some drug screens..
Seems like pretty promising..
Soo then ultimately her position will be opening up..
WOO hoo..
We shall see...

But life right now is not in the best of shape..

If I am never in your life again.

If I am never in your life again I understand.
If I hurt you soo much I understand..
This street does goes both ways..
The hurting is felt by both of us..
Sometimes it just seems like you like to not think about the effect from the cause...
Sometimes you act without wondering what if..
Anyways..
I will miss being apart of your life..
You have helped me out soo much I could not begin to thank you...
As much trouble and trying ties as we have had it has been fun..
I will ove you for who you really are..
I was always there for you... answering you calls and texts.. Helping you when others failed you..
I just want you to know that...
I was there for you..
I hope you find someone that will be there for you better than me and take better care of the relationship than I ever did..
I guess there are times when we have to let go..
I have to let go sometime..
I cannot wait for the phone to ring...
I will not..
You where not ready for what I offered you..
Live you life...
Make your mistakes..
If you ever need any help know that I will be there for you no matter what..
I promise that..
Even after all we have put me through..
I would drop what I needed to and help you out..
Just remember to ask..
I will love you..
But I think it is time I let you go and me be alone...
You are a smart woman..
You will do it on your own..
I still believe and have faith in your strength as a person..
Just set your sights high and NEVER look back!!
I wish you all the best...
Christopher

Diabetes

So today I went to my new college course..
Diabetes 101
Well it is not really a college course but a class that will cost as much as a college course would...
To the tune of
$1600...
Insurance will not cover it..
The doctor bills are starting to stack up for all this..
Medication..
Hospital visits...
Colonoscopy..
EGD..
Cat scan..
Ultrasound..
Diabetes doctors visits..

On top of the overwhelming amount of money I am about to shell out my personal life has fallen apart..

I have thrown the person I love and lived with for the past year and months out..
They lied to me more than once..
They have no idea what they want in life..
They just do not love me like I love them..
I was holding out trying to see if things changed..
I was doing so well..
Until I found out about the lies..
All the lies..
To many to justify anymore..
But I have been told by people close to me that know my situation..
"Don't worry, everything will be ok," and "Your such a good guy why are you worrying?"
Why am I worrying..
Because I care about this person..
I love this person to death..

But if things are not returned..
Then what is the point of doing it?
What is the point of trying and trying and trying to make things work when there is an obvious?
The obvious being she does not want me in her like right now like I want her to be..
She needs to be young and free..
Making her own mistakes..
Making her own goals and dreams..

Well..
I guess she made her first one..
By letting me go..
By pulling the fleece over my eyes over and over again..
By helping her out and her not returning any of the favors..

I am done..
I have tried..
I can admit failure in my life..
and this is most definately a failure..
To bad though cause she is a great person underneath her confusion.
She will figure that out for herself one day..

Truth honesty?

In one fail swoop my life changed..
Well in one fail high actually...
When you find out you have been betrayed and lied to what else is there to do?
When you give you whole heart to someone and they trample on it where do you turn when they are done with you??

The hardest thing I had to do I did it today..
No more lies..
No more asking for attention..
It is over..
I did not make the choice for her to leave..
She choose it herself..

She knew..
Well she knew when it was over..
But all the lying and covering up..
Will no longer go on..
I will be alone..
I would rather be alone than be lied to..
Well that is life though isn't it?
I loved her with all my heart..
I still do..
But she apparently has no heart for me to trample on..

But she no longer can hurt me..
One day we will look back at this..
We will look back at this and say how stupid things where.
How dumb the choices we made.
She will never regret anything she has done.
For she was always right.

But I will regret the way things happened..
Because I was stupid for so long...
Because I was blinded and did not want to see what was going on..
But love is blind..

I am the worst person in the world..

Life with a needle...

Soo Friday it started.
I started my life with diabetes and sticking myself with a needle to give myself insulin so that my body can try to be normal.
Once a day now at eleven am I stick myself at give me a dose of 24 hour insulin.
It is helping a little but not contrilling it all the way.
Also My personal life is changing again.
She is moving out.

Chosing to leave because of whatever reason..
I will be lonely in the next weeks...
But I cannot help it..
Maybe I should move on and let her figure herself out..
But if and when I move on she would lose me and we would lose each other..
Our paths could cross another day down the road..
Who knows..
I guess it does not matter anymore what happens...