Random thoughts..

I have worked myself over all day long..
What did I do wrong?
What could I have done better?
Where did I fail?
Why did I let her down?
Could I have given anything else?

I ran these questions and MANY more through my head ALL DAY..
I could not sleep..
I have not slept in the bed since she left..
I cannot bring myself to do it..

The couch is so hugging and comforting..
Though the roomate is helping alot as well..
He is renforcing me and helping me through this..
It is a tough situation..
I thought that she was the one that would marry me and have the life that I dream of..
I thought she might have wanted the same..

I am always wrong about shit like that I guess..
I feel like such a loser in life..
I cannot seem to get things together..

To top it all off now it is hard for me to do normal things..
It is hard for me to just go out and eat a meal..
Ohh I know woe is me..
All these whinings and stupid little things..

But I do not know what else to do..

I wanted to see her and talk to her face tonight..
But she had previous plans..
It is cool.. I guess..
I never expected her to DROP what she was doing for me..
or maybe I did..
Who knows..
We arranged a meeting though tomorrow night at waffle house so that I can talk with her..
that is all I want to do..
Talk to her and listen..
She never has anything to say..
I always just talk..

But after a year and some time..
Moving to another location in the country with her..
Getting her hard headed ass into school to try and reach her dream..
THAT WAS A CHALLENGE..
I kept telling her I believe in her more than she does in her own self..
And that is true..

But we all have our own deamons..
Our own secrets..
What I do not understand is how she could come back to me and lie to my face about things..
That is waht I really want to know.. All I want to know..
Hopefully she can explain.