Recovery

I woke up a little bit ago. I do not think I have been able to sleep this much in a while. It took heavy sedation and being put to sleep for real to be able to do it though. After not eating for two days and just being able to drink water all yesterday I got to the hospital. I was doing ok until I got into the prep room. I was laying there in the hospital bed with a few minutes to think and I was just so worried. I rolled over and let them take me into te exam room and tried to relax as much as possible. When they put the oxygen in my nose internally I started freaking out. I was freaking out because this was totally different than anything I had been through before. This was not the normal crap I was used to. The anaesthesiologist was really concerned about my blood sugar because I was pretty low. Which is what he said he did not like. This procedure was way different than before and I was not liking it at all. My doctor came in and asked if I had any questions and that was it. They pushed in the stuff to put me to sleep.

I woke up a time later asking when it would begin and someone pushing on my stomach. That was it. My mother came in and they talked to her to instruct her what to do with me for the rest of the day. We made two stops on the way home. Hers was for McDonald's. Te smell from the food actually made me sick. The sound of her eating the hamburger she bought crunching in her mouth made me just want to vomit. I wanted to get out of the car as quickly as possible. Next thing I know I was
asleep.. I woke up on Peachtree not knowing how I got there at all. Dunno why she took that way home considering all the freaking stop lights.

I know we all have problems. I am very self aware of my health problems and get very worried about them. I just wish I did not have to obsess over food. I wish I did not have to watch what I ate and how I have to worry about the side effects of certain things. This is a certain aspect for me that I just see as a weakness, a weakness that I would not want anyone to help me with. Something I do not want to teach or show anyone else or have to explain all over again. But also I feel bad because this is always a monkey on my back and whatever I do in my life will be a monkey on someone else's back. Along with that now this might be heredity and passed on to any children I might have. That worries me like none other.

Yesterday when my mother and I broke down I realized how alone I am down here. I cannot just call someone up and have them run on over and help me or anyone out. I want a life. I want a family. I want to be able to come home to someone.

There is so much going on in my life right now I have to put some things on hold while I try and tend to other more important things. Trying to regain what I might have lost is the highest on my priority list. I am trying extremely hard to reconcile, but I am afraid there is not chance for me no matter how hard I try. I never give up easy and I will keep trying but I feel that as every day passes things will get more and more distant for her to me. Times will be replaced by other people friends will keep her occupied so she would not have a problem moving me right out of her heart.