Stressed

So today I decided to come in eeaaaaaaaaaaaaaarly..
Boy am I glad that I did... Let me tell you.. I walked into a shit storm..
Work being hectic and I saved myself some heartache this morning by getting some of the people to do what I needed of them..

I could not sleep to well last night..
I still have not been able to migrate into the bedroom..
I get bothered alot more from people coming and going through the apartment but..
It is just that bed stands for something I do not have anymore..
People ask me why I choose the couch..
That bed signifies everything that I had.... and lost...
I got that bed for us...
Becasue the full size bed that I had was a little to small for us..
When my mother was looking for a couch to get hers and I wanted a couch my mother saw a mattress and bought it.. I conned her out of letting go of that mattress and brought it over to our apartment..
Even the couch was ugly in her opinion but I loved it.. Because it is the first peice of NICE furniture that I have bought.
Cost me half of my months salary but I love it still..
Nothing goes with it at all...
But I do hold to it..
So anyways that bed has had it share of a lot of memories..
lots of tears shed.. lots of sleepless nights..
When I moved into the place I am in now I let her use it until the very last minute so that she would have a place to sleep on,..
I just wanted to make sure that she was comfortable...
Everyone that sits on it is in awe that it is a comfortable bed yet I choose the couch still..
Well it is like the bed is still apart of her..
I actually still smells like the lavender massage oil.. and the lotion she used to use..
But heck it is nothing big just a year and a half or so of my life...
Lots of changes and new things have been experienced in that bed..
One day I will get over it..
But I am still healing..
slowly and surely I will be able to trust and love someone again..

I can remember when Sam and I split..
It took me 1 year and some months.. and then..
One night out I run into a co-worker..
December 17th..
I had thought she was cute and VERY attractive the whole time working with her...
But BB walked right into my life..
Her eyes just got me front the very first time I looked into them..
We went through some hard times but I believed in her..
As I still do..
I know she will be great.. at whatever she does..
Sometimes though she puts herself down soo far under the table she cannot pull herself out from under it..
I just wish she saw what I do in her..
But only she can realize that...
From time to time I look at the pictures and the book that she made me.. I keep in it my underwear drawer.. Funny enough..
I know what heart she has..
I just feel bad because I made it hard to express her heart to me..
What she wants and feels...
But I know in mine that I tried with everything I could to show her I care and want her to follow her dreams..
I know now that I am in no way going to hinder her dreams or hold her back from doing the things she wants to do..
Still hurts but it is what she wants and thinks is the best right now..

Well.. Time has flown by..
I am in dire need of wrapping things up..
soo I must jet on and get shit done so I can go home and get me some dinner..
Pressing on