Morbid no...

So this past week has not been a good week..
This for me have been going down hill...

Since I was blessed with this disorder that everytime I eat something it is bringing me one step closer to my grave.. I have thought a lot about things.. Past things.. The future of things.. and the present...
All my life I have wanted a family.. You know the simple things that people most of the time create on accident.. With being told what I have, my life will be shortened dramastically.. at least 20 years have been taken from me for whatever reason. This is truth not a morbid outlook..
So as long as I take car of myself and do the right thing in my life I can still do some things normal...
I looked at my past and try to figure things out.
I hold no grudges to anyone for anything I have done. I only accpet my choices and make the best out of them.
Another thing I have wanted to do my whole life is help people. Not change the world just give all that I can give to other people to help them out. People live on in memories so the memories I leave in people's mind I want them to be fond. I would like for them to think he was a great person whose heart was bigger than he was.
When I made the choice to move to Atlanta.. No one wanted me to move. I was warned and warned that what happened would.. I did not care.. I really did not.. I was nervous... Yes.. But I wanted more than anything to help someone out.
Even though we have gone our seprate ways I would still like to keep somewhat in touch with her but it seems that she has pretty much seperated herself from me totally.. For this I feel like I did something wrong.
It has taken many, many, many, talks with myself to come to the conclusion that I did what I was supposed to do in her life and it was time for me to move on. I was no longer needed.
I loved her with everything I could but the type of love is not what she needed. She did not need me. I tried to show her that she is worth while to someone and that there are people willing to love her out there. I showed her the very deepth of my love, tried to show her that she was better than what she had been giving herself credit for.
I am no savior.. nor am I claiming anything that I did was important I just did what I could for her.
Now months later after the fallout we had I just wanna see how things are going in her life.
I just wanna know that she has found someone that makes her happy.
I wanna be able to talk with her.
We did share a bed for almost a good long year.
We had many nights of pillow talk..
Her not wanting me to leave..
Me not wanting to leave..
So I mean I think that we could at least go out and have dinner sometime.. sit and talk.. That is all I want..
Just to know that things are going really good in her life and that she is happy..
I did get an email from her..
just letting me know that she got done with her first houseplans or something..
I promptly emailed her back..

I just want to see how things are...
But nonetheless.. I cannot make someone do something I want them to do..

Since getting sick and all this jazz I have really thought about mortality and how things can end..
I mean considering that most diabetics leave a life of pain in the later years and have lots of problems..
This is something I do not want..
I will make this totally clear right now early on into this..
I am progressing right along in this disease. There are no promises that this insulin is going to keep working forever.. I have rapidly progressed this far.. In a matter of months I went from normal to nothing.. and things have been getting worse this past week. I have been sucking down insulin like it is going out of style.
So this being said I am going to make things CRYSTAL clear right now.
When I go in the hosiptal for complications and I loose my eyesight.. kidneys.. leg.. foot.. ANYTHING..
I will never either come out of the hospital..
or never visit again..
That will be it for me.
I will be selfish and finish it then.
Why?
I do not want people to remember me hurting.. in pain.. handicap.. or someone having to take care of me..
This is how I want it. I do not want to be a burden to people and have them take care of me..
I am in the right mind in saying this..
Things will only go downhill in my life..
Now some people might laugh at this.. but it is the truth..
Someone asked me this weekend if "I get angry at healthy people," I replied "no, this is just how life is."
I mean I am not bitter about things..
If this is what is meant for me then so be it.
I am going to make the best of it and go down swinging like a champ.. I have never been know to take anything lying down.

I do not want to take anything for granted in my life. I appreciate the sunrises and the sunsets everyday. Everyday is unique and will never be the same.
I try not to complain to much about being tired or not feeling good.
There are people with a lot more on their plate and have more problems than me.
I am not that significant...

I have realized that this is why my mother has tried to come back into my life.
She feels guilty.
Yes I was SUPER depressed early this year.
I lost everything that I valued in my life..
It was all stripped away from me violently.
My health... taken away in a matter of mere moments on the timeline of life..
What I got up for everyday and the reason I came home everyday.. MY love.. my heart..
Things where just leaving me left and right at the begining of this year..
I kept thinking there was not much more I could loose besides my job. I had lost everything that I cheerished..
I was at rock bottom..
I have since pulled myself out of that.
I feel better about life.. in general..
I will make the best out of every moment of everyday..
When and if I am able to love someone like that again I will know when to let them go..
I will know that no matter how much you tell them and show them.. They have to love themselves before they can love you back...

All my life I have dreamed to have the family and kids and all that jazz.. That is what makes me the saddest.. That is all.. I could stay single for the rest of my life.. I mean if that is what should happen so be it.
I am not trying or forcing things into my life anymore.
I want them to come to me..

I used to be alive, and love getting up in the mornings.. I had something to get up for.. At one point someone depended on me for basic survival. I felt needed.
I do have the need to feed needed.. I think it is because I have such a big drive to accomplish things in my life.
I have always been the underdog.. been told I couldn't do this and that..
That puched me harder.. made me want to accomplish more... That made me become stronger and find things inside myself to push me more than most people.

There is so much more to this.. There is so much I could say.. but I have to leave something out there to discuss.

At some point when someone else comes into my life that I can open my heart up to this blog will have to cease..
I am still waiting for that..