I do not know why..

I have not been able to sleep tonight..Maybe it is because of Monday and tuesday when I was sick that all I did was sleep and now my body will not let me go to sleep..

I keep having thoughts over and over about BB.. I just feel that there is not something right.. I feel like there is a problem..
If you where still in my life I would tell you that I love you...
If you where smoeplace close I would.. I would gladly see you in my life again..
People will always think I am crazy for loving and caring for you..
But you cannot help who you care about in life.. Many people are jealous about what you had from me.. I learned a lot about having you in my life and I wish you where still here a lot of the times.. You would be so proud of me.. Things that Iw ould not have ever thought about doing or tryingto do I am gong to attempt because you always wanted me to..
I have laid on my couch now for a long time trynig to fall asleep but thoughts about you keep crossing my mind.. It has been months now since we have even saw each other or even interacted.. But it seems like yesterday when we where sitting at the table in our apartment in Nashville.. Living our lives.. Sitting at the table and making plans for your future.. Going over the school Pamplet that AI sent you in the mail that you soo anxiously awaited.. When it came I saw your eyes brighten up like it was Christmas morning or something..
Then the move down here..
The the fallout of me holding you back.... trying so hard not to let you go.. squeezing so tightly that I chased you away..
I have been finding things that I have not seen since I moved to georgia by packing up.. This move that I am about to do is going to be a weirdpoint in my life..

I am going to move from this place that I choose just for you.. Just beacuse it had a garden tub.. cause you loved your baths and a spare bedroom that I thought you would want to decorate.. or have a roomate.. Moving onto the second floor to keep away from any bugs, because it backed up to the forrest... This place was hand picked for you.. now the move..
This place was picked for me..
I will be leaving a lot of memories in thisplace.. It is weird..
I have already left a lot of memories here in Ga...
I only wish that you knew the depth of my love and what I would have done for you.. Some day I hope you find your love and you feel the same way..
I hope those "butterflies", that you are searching for find you.. I think you have learned a lot from what we had.. I know I did..
I can never be thankful enough for what you did..
Just remember though the love that you see portrayed in things is not the real love that you have in life..
Those emotions that you feel in real life are much more deep and real than anyhitng that can be described in words or pictures.. Some people can sum it up.. But it is never the real thing until you feel it..
Untilyou know with all your being that no matter what you will be there..
This WHOLE journal cannot even sum up a quarter of my thoughts and dreams and wishes I ever had with you.. I could not even begin to FATHOM the amount of time I spend/spent thinking and wondering about you..

I feel that once I leave this place that I picked in hopes you would like it that the healing process will continue.. I still cannot let myself let you go.. As much as I try I have thoughts about you constantly.. I mean look here I am unableto sleep and have to be at work in four hours because I have been stewing on this thought for days now..

Everytime I start packing things up I notice a little bit more about the peices you left me.. I hope that I left you enough pieces to remember me and think about me..
I try everyday to push the thoughts about you out ofmy head.. When I went to Nashville the past twoweekends I even went to the old apartments.. The one where it all started and the one where our lives ended in Nashville..

I hope someday soon that you would somehow read this journal.. I know that you may never care or you may NEVER read it.. But at least I know and feel better that I am lettingit out.. I have always tried to write things out.. so there is some record of my life.. I have a few hand written journals as well.. But nothing compares to this..
I just want you to nkow if sometime you come across this that I wll be there for you BB.. I will hopefully watch you graduate from school..
I will love you for the rest of my life because of what you have done for me.. Regardless of what people say.. You came into my life when I needed something in my life to have..
I think we shared a lot to gether and I am glad that you where there..
I hope that someday I can be there for you again..
I will never ask for anything in return..
To this day I do not hink I ever did really ask for anything.. Excpet one thing..
I always took what was given to me..
I am sure that you have bad strong feelings towardme and toward the relationship we had.. I am sure you look at it as I destroyed everything you had in your life.. for that I am sorry.. But I feel that we pulled ourselves through a lot together.. just know..
I would do it all over again.. I wouldbe there if you called because no one else would come to your aide..
I loved you for you...
Nothing compares to how much emotion I have put in these words..
Nothing willprobaly ever come close..
My few friends that I keep have stuck by me and reassured me in times that I needed it.. I thank them for that..
I have been put in many trials from being a normal person to having a chronic life changing disease. ... I know that because of that my life will be shortened if it has not been already.. I will live my life to the best of my ability and I hope that everyone knows that..

If it can happen it happens to me.. I roll with the punches..
I am still not down for the count yet..
Just beacue I get hurt does not mean that by some way I will not bounce back.. I will bounce back..
I always have..
I know that someday though the bouncing will be over.. and I would be down for the count..
That is why as long as I can I will strive to help anyone and everyone I can.. From the strangeron the street.. to the person that I end up loving the rest of my natural life.. And even if there is a life for me after that.. I would watch over tehm and love them with all I could..

You know sometimes in life we think that things happen for a reason.. Well people never thought that the reason is really there own.. They make themselves the reason and make the things happen.. That is the real reason..
We make things happen.. they do not have a mind of their own.. Whatever the reason I have made my life the way itis I am coming to grips with it.. I am learninf more and more about things as they come..

I have always said that "Life is a learning journey that we teach ourselves how to die..." It is what we do with that knoweldge that really matters.. I talk alot anyone who knows me will tell you that.. I have a BUNCH of useless facts and figures that I have gathered from various places.. I could go on a car trip and tell you about something the whole way.. from one sight to the next..
The importnat thing is that I am not trying to sit on what I have learned.. Peoplesay I make them feel stupid.. I try not to I just try to give them the things that I have learned.. So that way me and my thoughts will live on through life.. through history.. I may never become the astronaut or surgeon likeI wanted to be.. But I will become one of the best father figure I can to my kids.. I will teach them things that I never had the chance to learn about from my father..
That is why I talk and talk and talk like I do about useless thingfgs.. Not to try to ACT smarter than people but try to give up some of the things that are in my head.. I dunno maybe it is becauseI have not had a long post in quite some time now..
But I have had so much of this on my mind.. Just gathering things from what people have been telling me..
oh well.. just more ramblings of what is in my head..

I have notcied one thing though..
My hit counter that I have.. It has been some constant hits.. more thatn the normal 2 people that read this blog..
J and P....
Ohh J is new..
Never meet her.. Just someone that wanted to get to know me more..
She caught this blog off of a site called Myspace. So I guess I am building a subscription tom y blog..
Along with the 20 other million people that have blogs..

Ohh well.. P and J.. Now I just need a B and we will be good to go...
Ohh well. I am getting up and getting ready for work.. I guess packing a few more things will not hurt..