Tired...

Can you ever wonder to much about something?

There are so many what if's that you have to put hings behind you...
I understand that I am a good person some place inside me....
Sometimes it is just so hard to think that I am a great person... yet why am I so life deficient..
I am a well rounded person and have a lot ot offer someone but it is just finding that somene that is willing to put up with me..
I am alot to handle I am sure..
I try to be a patient and loving person making sure that the person I have fallen in love with knows it on a constant basis.
I always had a rule that whenever I left I would tell someone, anyone my grandmother whoever that I loved them. I made sure that they knew that I cared about them. You never know when it could be your last time to see them and their beautiful being.

Still I have not found the reason to email BB..
I am sure that she has a life that she wants and has an abundant source of caring peeople.
I wonder if she has moved on.
I mean I know that she told me all the time that she did not love me like I did her.. but none the less I had to have left some impression on her. I have to had to shown her at some point that I did love her for who she was and everything that she was. I knew things that she wanted to accomplish and I cared enough to make sure, to the best of my ability, that she would have a chance to do it. I gave her something.... hope... A little self confidence trying to show her that stop listening to every one telling you that you cannot do something and do it. Prove them wrong....

I have proved people wrong all my life..

If I never trust or love anyone again in my life I will still be happy. I have always held up to my word. When I would say I would do something for someone or be someplace in their life I was their. I have my feeling of accomplishment. If I shall never do anything with my life I know that I have done something for someone else in my life. That is all that really matters. I have always said that I am not a selfish person. If I shall ever be accused of being selfish then that person has no idea of who I am or what I stand for.

Now that people have left for college and I am still in someplace that I never thought in a million yearsI would be.. I do not know what to do with myself.
I have drown myself with work. 70-75 hours a week. I come home only to sleep and feed the animals...

I wish that I could let myself let her go.. I do not know why she is constantly in my head... There was only one other person I lamented over and thought about for a long time after they left my life. S..... But after as long as we where "together" and the things we went through as well it is understandable.
BB even constantly told me that she did not want what I wanted and that she just felt like she could not love me like I did.

Oh well.. I just put down what is in my head..

I just hope that she is happy.. I say that all the time. I hope the best for S as well. I hope that the sun graces their smiles everyday like it should. I hope they never want nor need anything and that the people they choose to surround themselve with care as much for them as they do. S seemed so happy with the guy she was with.. I hope if BB is with someone they make her happy.

I think I mad her happy.. I tried to at least make her smile everyday.. I try to make every one smile every day so that it does not show my true inside.. I do hurt alot. I am very hard on myself. I wsh I was a better person all the time..

Things that people really do not know.

I just wish that BB would email me sometime and say...
"You know your a really great guy.. Thanks so much for kicking my ass.. I did truely care for you.. I was just not ready for what ou had to offer me.. " You know.. Something that wold reassure me that it really is no me.. That I do not have to be so hard on myself...

I hate failure..
But Everything was as much my fault as it was hers. Things in a relationship is a shared responsibilty. It will always take two people to make anything like love work.. So when there is failure it falls on both people.

I go through these phases were I write alot and not write alot...
Sometimes I am so exhausted I jus come home and let my thoughts go into the past.. forever falling into the massive thoughts that run through my head...

Well with that.. knowing I have at least ONE reader I am going to bed.. P we will see you this weekend when I come home..
I will be back in Nashville this coming weekend..
Trying to blow off some steam and get some R&R..